From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE…
Late Night Snark: Serious Candidates Edition
"Rick Santorum is saying the kids that go to college are snobs. Rick Santorum has a new program for children. It's called Every Child Left Behind."
---David Letterman
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“Rick, I'm sorry that hearing that JFK speech on religion makes you throw up. But if it makes you feel any better, if JFK were alive today, knowing you were running for President would make him shit his pants.”
---Jon Stewart
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"In yesterday's Michigan primary, Newt Gingrich came in fourth place. Or as the ice cream in his freezer put it, 'It's gonna be a long night.'"
---Jimmy Fallon
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"Newt Gingrich said we should use covert operations to assassinate Iran's nuclear scientists. Gingrich also said the key to covert operations is announcing them on the campaign trail."
---Conan O'Brien
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"Gas prices are so high that Mitt Romney's wife can only afford to drive one Cadillac."
---Jay Leno
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"Do the Girl Scouts of America have a secret agenda? I think those Thin Mints are just to fatten us up before they cook us!"
---Stephen Colbert
Oh, and the elves at
Netroots Nation would appreciate your votes in the "Grab A Booth" contest going on now. Which groups would you like to see at the coonvention? Check out
the list of entrants and vote 'em up!
Okay, Jeeves…you may start pouring. Your west coast-friendly edition of Cheers and Jeers starts below the fold... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
Cheers and Jeers for Friday, March 2, 2012
Note: I love this note, ladies and gentlemen. The letters are just the right height. I love the kerning---not just the big kerning but the little kerning and so forth and whatnot, my friends. Hahaha... Gosh, I really do.
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By the Numbers:
Days 'til the general election: 249
Days 'til the Kelseyville Olive Festival in California: 16
Number of registered Kossacks as of this morning: 335,478
(Source: jotter)
Percent of Americans who now believe the earth is getting warmer, up from 55% in the spring of 2011: 62%
Portion of them who say they base their belief on, respectively, temperatures they've experienced, melting glaciers, and media coverage: 1-in-4, 1-in-7, 1-in-8
(Source: University of Michigan/Muhlenberg College survey)
Rank of the mafia among Italy's largest lending institutions: #1
(Source: Harper's Index)
Number of uses of the pun "Snowe storm" since Sen. Olympia Snowe's resignation announcement: Eleventy Billion
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Puppy Pic of the Day: Clark G, the most famous talking dog on You Tube, gets a promotion!
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CHEERS to following in history's footsteps. With the anniversary of the 1965 Selma-to-Montgomery civil rights marches looming, the National Action Network is kicking off The March Against Voter Suppression Sunday:
Marchers must be in Selma, AL on March 4 and be willing to take the 54 mile journey from Selma to Montgomery. Marchers must also be willing and capable to march 11 miles per day and capable of living and sleeping outdoors in campsites that will be set up along the march route. All marchers will be responsible for returning back to their original location on Friday, March 9th following the closing rally at the Dexter Avenue Baptist Church in Montgomery, AL.
Our meager outdoor advice: wear comfy shoes and pack a sturdy box spring. Meanwhile, you might want to sit down for this: the U.S. House actually voted
unanimously yesterday to
honor the 1965 marches. Golly…I may make it through one column without having a good reason to call Republican leaders total dicks!
JEERS to Republican leaders: total dicks! Ladies and gentleman, I give you the comments by GOP dictator Rush Limbaugh on the women's contraception issue, during which he chooses to retaliate against Georgetown student Sandra Fluke for expressing her opinion. This is after he called her a "slut" and a "prostitute," but before the entire Republican apparatus refused to rebuke him:
So Miss Fluke, and the rest of you Feminazis, here’s the deal. If we are going to pay for your contraceptives, and thus pay for you to have sex. We want something for it. We want you post the videos online so we can all watch.
Given their silence, we can only conclude that the above is what's considered in GOP circles as their "mainstream opinion." But what about Democrats? Sandra Fluke answers that question during an
interview with Andrea Mitchell:
Mitchell: You were in our green room getting ready to come on and the white house said we can reveal that you just got off the phone with the President?
Sandra Fluke: Yes I did.
The stakes have been raised pretty high. What did he say to you?
He encouraged me and supported me and thanked me for speaking out about the concerns of American women and what was really personal for me was that he said to tell my parents that they should be proud. And that meant a lot because Rush Limbaugh questioned whether or not my family would be proud of me. So I appreciated that very much. […]
I'm just happy that what seems to be happening in the process is that America is hearing the voices of the women affected by lack of contraception coverage and who will benefit from this policy. That is really what is most important for me, and that is why I've been working on this---for years, honestly.
After he heard the interview, Limbaugh immediately rushed to find a dictionary so he could look up the word
honestly.
CHEERS to the land of milk and hippies. Happy birthday, Vermont!!! You became our 14th state on Sunday's date in 1791. Besides Ben and Jerry, Bernie Sanders, Patrick Leahy and a nuclear power plant that makes me nervous, Vermont is home to Howard Dean, who became the first governor to pass civil unions for same-sex couples and exclaimed, "YOU have the power!" It's also the home of the 30th U.S. President and founding member of The Village People, Calvin Coolidge, who slept ten hours a day and once murmered, "When a great many people are unable to find work, unemployment results." Saaaaaa…lute!
JEERS to the dog and phony show. In Iran, citizens went to polling places today, where they stuffed pieces of paper into a box indicating their preference for their parliamentary representatives. The candidates were all pre-approved by the senior religious hardliners, and the ballots are being counted behind closed doors to assure that the results match their pre-ordained results. Conservatives from the United States spent the day at various polling places there observing. Or, as they like to call it, "idea gathering."
JEERS to Democrats denied. On March 2, 1877, Republican Rutherford B. Hayes was handed the 1876 win over Democrat Samuel J. Tilden, even though the latter won the popular vote by 250,000 votes. Here's how it went down (via Anything for A Vote by Joseph Cummins):
The struggle over the twenty remaining electoral votes lasted from November 8, 1876 to March 2, 1877. Republican-controlled "returning boards" (groups in each state who tallied electoral votes) simply threw out enough Democratic votes to swing Florida, Louisiana and South Carolina to Hayes. Democrats cried foul, officials of both parties flocked to the south, and President Grant sent federal troops, just in case. In the end, an Election Commission was established, consisting of five U.S. senators, five congressmen, and five Supreme Court Justices, all of whom split along party lines. With the commission tied at 7-7, the Supreme Court justice who had the deciding vote resigned---and a Republican justice took his place. Hayes was voted into office with 185 electoral votes to Tilden's 184.
And Ralph Nader was like, "Hey…don't looka me! I'm not even born yet!"
CHEERS to walking into a hornet's nest. Man, talk about hitting the ground running. On Sunday's date in 1861, Abraham Lincoln was inaugurated. And on March 4, 1933, Franklin Roosevelt was inaugurated. Lincoln led the country through the Civil War. FDR led the country through the Great Depression and World War II. This year's crop of Republican candidates who believe they can rise to the same level of greatness include Newt Gingrich, Mitt Romney, Ron Paul and Rick Santorum. I wrote that last sentence because, per our contract, it's my job to make you laugh.
CHEERS to home vegetation. Plenty of great stuff for couch potatoes this weekend, starting with a live performance of "8" that'll be live-streamed on You Tube tomorrow night. It's an account of the trial over California's Prop. 8, based on the actual transcripts. Check out the cast:
George Clooney, Brad Pitt (as Judge Vaughn Walker!), Jane Lynch, Martin Sheen, Jamie Lee Curtis, Yeardley Smith, Chris Colfer, George Takei, Kevin Bacon, Jesse Tyler Ferguson, John C. Reilly and Christine Lahti
This is the court case the anti-gay forces hope you never see. Click
here for more info and double-check your popcorn supply.
What else? On HBO's Real Time, Bill Maher explains why he gave $1 million to the pro-Obama SuperPAC, and talks with Russ Feingold, Bob Lutz, James Carville, John Heileman and Neil deGrasse Tyson. New DVD releases include 5-time Oscar winner Hugo (a Marty Scorsese joint), and the Blu-ray release of 1957's The Buccaneer, starring Charlton Heston as…Andrew Jackson! (Harry's list is here.) Lindsay Lohan hosts SNL, and she'll be better than anyone expects. On 60 Minutes: why the Catholic priest child abuse scandal is far from over.
Tomorrow morning on Up! with Chris Hayes: Josh Barro of the Manhattan Institute, Donna Crampell of The New York Times, "Media theorist" Doug Rushkoff and Vince Warren of the Center for Constitutional Rights.
And here's your Sunday morning lineup. Just for shits and giggles, I'll indicate conservative guests/pundits with a (C), and liberals with an (L) and then add 'em up. Place your bets on who comes out ahead:
Meet the Press: Newt Gingrich (C); roundtable with Mike Murphy (C), Mark Halperin (C), Atlanta Mayor Kasim Reed (L) and NBC reporter Savannah Guthrie.
This Week: Newt Gingrich (C); David Axelrod (L); roundtable with George Will (C), Donna Brazille (L), Peggy Noonan (C) and Howard Dean (L).
CNN's State of the Union: Newt Gingrich (C); Ron Paul (C); Ron Brownstein and Dana Bash on Retirement Fever in Congress; former U.S. Ambassador to Israel Martin Indyk (C) and former Under Secretary of State Nicholas Burns (C) on the bullshit saber-rattling over Iran.
Face the Nation: Newt Gingrich (C); Ron Paul (C); roundtable with John Dickerson, Norah O'Donnell and Michael Gerson (C).
Bill Moyers & Company: Bill talks with Winner-Take-All Politics authors Jacob Hacker and Paul Pierson, and shares some love with Occupy Wall Street.
Washington Week: The GOP circus with John Dickerson and Gloria Borger; Capitol Hill retirement madness with AP's Charles Babington.
Fox GOP Talking Points Sunday: Rick Santorum (C); Sen. Lindsay Graham (C); Sen. Richard Blumenthal (L); roundtable with Bill Kristol (C), Juan Williams (L), Jeff Zeleney and Kimberly Strassel (C).
Final tally: 17 conservatives, 6 liberals---and men outnumber women 5-to-1. Damn you, liberal feminist media!
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One year ago in C&J: March 2, 2011
CHEERS to taking the first swan dive into the wood chipper. Looks like the Republican campaign season has gone from ice-cold to barely-tepid, now that Newt Gingrich has thrown his hat into the preliminary exploratory committee ring which, after close scrutiny of the pros and cons plus fundraising resources, may or may not lead to the hat actually making it into the declaring-my-Quixotic-candidacy ring. He has all the charm of spamloaf and all the empathy of my grandma after she'd drain a bottle of tequila and chase us around the house with a flyswatter. But I hope Newt runs---it'll be fun having a chance to use his own tactics (call your opponent an America-hating extremist and then stick out your tongue) against him. Plus I already have a name for a Bravo TV series that follows his campaign: White Louse for the White House.
CHEERS to fourteen more days of FABULOUS RICHES! The Senate, bless their ch'chingin' little hearts, voted to keep the republic awash in money for two more weeks. So now, instead of the government being non-functional due to a lack of money, the government will continue to be non-functional due to it being the government.
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And just one more…
CHEERS a little more late-night levity. I haven’t posted a Letterman Top 10 list in years. But this one I want preserved in my time capsule. It's too perfect:
Top Ten Other Things Mitt Romney Says He Likes About Michigan's Trees
10. "I seem less wooden standing next to one"
9. "In a pinch, sap makes a great hair gel"
8. "They're also just the right width"
7. "It's fun hiring illegal immigrants to rake up their leaves"
6. "They're not gay, like palm trees"
5. "They don't shed their foliage as quickly as those slutty Rhode Island trees"
4. "They look great next to my wife's Cadillacs"
3. "Trees don't whine when strapped to your car roof"
2. "They're not afraid to stand up to the auto industry"
1. "Like me, they lean whichever way the wind blows"
Hopefully not downwind from a Michigan sugar beet plant. I wouldn't wish that on my worst enemy.
Have a nice weekend. Whatever you do, act natural. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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