Nation, with this election day looming, everyone is trying to read the tea leaves. Except Romney, who, as a Mormon, is allowed only to read the caffeine-free Diet Coke. But that's not looking good either, because Obama currently leads Romney by 10 points in Ohio, 9 points in Florida, and 12 points in Pennsylvania, which wouldn't be a problem, if between now and November 6th, we could just get 290 million people to move to Arkansas.
Arkansas! Come for the meth, stay because you traded your car for meth. (audience laughter and applause)
But, folks, there's no reason to panic over these poll numbers. Just ask Mitt.
9/26/2012:
DAVID MUIR: I'm curious what you would say to some of your supporters tonight, your donors who might be concerned that this could be slipping away.
MITT ROMNEY: Well, I'm very pleased with some polls, less so with other polls, but frankly, at this early stage, polls go up, polls go down.
Exactly. It's still early. There are 40 days left until the election. A lot can happen in 40 days. Obama could make a gaffe, Mitt could win the debates, God could send a flood to destroy all mankind. So there's hope.
In fact, the election is so far off, why are we even talking about it? Mitt isn't talking about it. Last week, when a reporter asked him if he was going to start campaigning harder, Romney responded:
MITT ROMNEY (9/20/2012): Ha ha. We're in the stretch, aren't we? Look at those clouds. It's beautiful. Look at those things.
(shocked audience laughter)
Look at those things! Look at those pretty clouds, that one kinda looks like a bunny! Or if you turn your head the other way, crushing poll results. But... I'm gonna go with bunny.
Besides, you can't trust polls. Right, Fox News?
PETER DOOCY (9/20/2012): The latest Fox News poll gives President Obama an edge in three key swing states. He's up 5 in Florida, 7 in Ohio, and 7 in Virginia. But, that's with all likely voters. Once you isolate voters who are extremely interested in the election, the race is much closer.
Yes. Much closer among the extremely interested. And Romney's tied when you focus on the inexpressibly intrigued.
And he's up by 2 points when you count only voters who are psychotically engaged.
The point is, the polls showing Romney behind have to be wrong.
KARL ROVE (9/11/2012): We have a bunch of polls, Gallup, Pew, and uh, the CNN, which either oversampled Democrats, or at least in the case of CNN, appeared to grossly underestimate the percentage of independents.
LOU DOBBS (9/26/2012): It's really lousy sampling in these polls.
TY YOUNG (9/26/2012): I don't believe them because I think the sampling's probably skewed.
STEPHEN HAYES (9/26/2012): It is clear that many of these polls are oversampling.
9/26/2012:
SEAN HANNITY: The polls are skewed.
STUART VARNEY: Look, look, I don't believe 'em.
SEAN HANNITY: Neither do I.
STUART VARNEY: I mean, you can go through all the scientific gobbledegook you like. I don't believe 'em.
(in British accent) Yes! They're basing all of this on scientific gobbledegook! Which is also the name of Stuart Varney's character on Harry Potter. Professor Poppycock Gobbledegook! That's very hard to say without swallowing your own tongue!
Now, luckily, folks, I've got my own source of polls — conservative blogger Dean Chambers, who analyzed these polls favoring Obama, and then reached the scientific conclusion that they "just didn't look right".
So Chambers set up his own polling site, UnSkewedPolls.com, where he unskewed all the national polls by skewing them in favor of Romney, and surprisingly found that Mitt actually had a nearly 8-point lead!
And that doesn't even count the margin of error. And, given how many errors Romney's made, I think he should get all of it!
Now, no surprise, folks, this feels accurate polling has caught the attention of some GOP intellectuals, like Texas Governor Rick Perry, who tweeted:
Amen! If we had only had more accurate polling during the primaries, Perry could've dropped out way sooner! (audience applause)
And folks, Chambers' work throws all polls into doubt now. Even the internal ones I've taken of myself. I mean, the results say I'm not that excited about Mitt Romney, but as a conservative, I feel like I should love him. I mean, maybe the sample size is too small. Or, maybe I checked the wrong box, and I'm actually Latino, you know? ¿Quién sabe?
Thankfully, Fox News is fighting back with its own fair and balanced polling.
BRET BAIER (9/26/2012): We asked you tonight, who will win Ohio? 10% of you said President Obama, 90% of you said Mitt Romney. Thanks for your votes, we had more than 20,000 of them tonight.
(shocked audience laughter)
Hmm, I don't know. I don't know, that polls looks like it oversampled Democrats by 10%. Well folks, I am so inspired, that tonight, I am conducting my own properly weighted poll. So go to colbertnation.com, and make your voice heard by answering this question.
President Obama currently leads Mitt Romney in the polls. Why are the polls so skewed?
A) People tend to choose the first option they are offered.
B) I don't answer polls.
C) When in doubt, always pick "C".
Remember, this is a scientific poll, in that the results will be tabulated by a lab chimp. We'll be right back.
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