Yesterday I had to say farewell to a very special friend. I've had a lot of cats as friends (pets) over the years but Panda was one of those very very rare and special cats that transcend all others. He wasn't particularly bright ... not stupid exactly in fact a bloody genius when he needed to be but he was "different"
For instance when he'd use the litter box he's paw the wall after he was done doing his business, or the side of the box ... or the floor beside the box but never the litter and he never managed to cover anything ... ever ... luckily we also have a much more pragmatic cat who is a tad more finicky about such matters and would do it for him.
He had his own special way of communicating ... "open" which was to paw anything he wanted "open" in a very specific way while occasionally looking at you and asking vocally for your assistance. I've seen this behaviour before in many many animals before but Panda's request always seemed "more" somehow ... I can't explain it.
He developed a habit that was particularly endearing to me in the last few years. He would jump to the back of my computer chair and, by spreading the cushion from the back of the chair he would create a "V" indent where he would lounge. It basically destroyed the top of the chair over time but I didn't mind. He'd nudge himself deep into the groove and was quite secure up there. While there he'd occasionally demand love by nuzzling into my neck and cheek ... talking to me all the while ... then he'd give me a neck massage and nuzzle again while we "talked" .. it was super sweet and very endearing. He'd spend the majority of his day snuggling as close as he could get.
He was ALWAYS near. Didn't matter where I went in the house .. if Panda realized I had moved .. so would he. He liked to sit in front of me on the computer desk and lie on top of my mouse arm. When I nixed that he switch to lying beside the monitor .. or on the printer ... he especially liked sitting on the printer when it was running ... he'd race to it whenever it started up ... must have liked the vibrations .. hehe ...
I can still see him in my minds eye ... looking up at me demanding something ... he was hard to refuse and he NEVER gave up .. so you either gave him what he wanted or you'd pay the price of listening to him .. for hours ... until he finally got whatever it was ... yeah he was spoilled ... and I don't regret it.
I am writing this diary .. not to be noticed .. not to get rec's ... not even for sympathy or hugs. I am writing this diary as a way to face my grief, which is a LOT stronger than I thought it would be. For closure. The hole this cat left is gargantuan. I didn't expect that. I knew I'd miss him but I didn't quite realize how MUCH I'd miss him. I've lost other pets over the years and I mourned them all, some more than others but this one .. this incredible nondescript cat with a big heart absolutely stole mine. I liked to complain about him ... he had some very annoying traits, a particularly nasty one of peeing on anything that reminded him of his little box ... any pile of clothes on the floor would do ... towels left in the bathroom ... kids backpacks carelessly thrown in the front hall ... yeah it wasn't pretty but it sure taught everyone not to leave stuff lying around! Like I said he wasn't particularly bright about some things ... or maybe he was ... but above it all he managed to get us to forgive him ... to make allowances ... to improve our own behaviour so as not to encourage "accidents" and still he managed to make us love him in spite of his faults. He was .... just ... that ... sweet. Not sure I would have tolerated that behaviour from any of my other pets ... in fact I am sure I wouldn't.
In the end he started to lose weight ... a LOT of weight. He was eating like a horse ... always hungry but getting smaller and smaller ... before Christmas he was diagnosed as hyperthyroid ... so we put him on a special diet ... which he hated ... so basically he refused the food ... I kept telling myself no cat would starve themselves intentionally when there was food being offered .. but he did .. he was stubborn to a fault ... and then came the first crash ... he stopped eating altogether and became listless ... he'd still follow me from room to room but the spark was gone and eventually he started to hide ... I was sure he was dying ... so first emergency visit ... subcutaneous fluids to help his dehydration ... kick the bloody diet and start meds ... the change was immediate and dramatic ... for 2 weeks I had my gorgeous soft sweet kitty back ... and he was eating like a horse again, all his favourite foods ... he was in heaven ... then the second crash ...stopped eating again ... for 3 days ... so I stopped the meds to see if that would perk him back up ... nada ... he was fading fast.
I took him back to the vet yesterday determined to do whatever was necessary to save him ... but in the last 2 weeks of eating well he STILL lost weight ..600g in fact ... the writing on the wall was getting clearer ... the vet broached the idea of euthansia vs treatment but I said if there was any hope I would do whatever it took ... she agreed. I asked what she would do in my case and she told me that she would try and save him too and recommended a chest xray to check his lungs as that was a nagging concern for her ... so we did and found he had a very enlarged heart ... congestive heart failure ... no hope considering his other complications ... and there were other signs of further problems that she did not get into ... so I kissed my baby goodbye and helped him pass with as much grace as I could. In his final moments my kitty, the kitty that refused to ever be held or cuddled unless it was on his terms, hid his face into my chest, allowed me to cuddle and cradle him and purred ever so weakly something I had not heard for days.
To hear him purr in the vets office ... moments away from death ... cradled in my arms ... showed me he trusted me. Trusted me to do the right thing in his hour of need. So I did.
When we get pets, they give us a lifetime of joy and pleasure but sadly the end is always full of heartbreak as we fulfill the promise that we ultimately give them on their first day with us, whether we realize it at the time or not. We, as their caregivers must know and recognize when the time has come to say goodbye and to help them leave this world as peacefully as possible in the arms of someone they love and trust to do right by them. It is the hardest thing we will ever have to do for our pets. It is also the most loving.
Goodbye sweet Panda. You will be missed ... you ARE missed and it will be a long long time before I can think of your memory without shedding a few tears. Farewell my friend ...