The government people all went off to govern. Axelrod, Geitner, Emmanual - he was still there at that point - the guy from Microsoft who runs Watson II, the associative computer designed to channel what Saul Alinsky would have done. Even the Secret Service guys. They were just outside, but they had left the room.
President Obama said softly, "You can come in now." A closet door opened and George Soros emerged. He had with him a spiral notebook and a legal pad.
"Well?"
"It's like I was saying, Mr. president. We've put the Citizen United case to work. Incumbents can do that, and it will be a good two years before anyone realizes that untraceable donations means you have no idea who you owe favors to."
"It won't matter. Everything we do, they're going to come back and find some political motive."
"This is true."
"I'm sure you got a bunch of money from the lovers of gay soldiers."
"They're way ahead of us. They have their own Super-PAC, which in turn donated to the SEIU Super-PAC. They gave it all to us."
"What did you have to promise them?"
"Again, that's the beautiful thing. I told them: I can't speak on the President's behalf. It's all do-what-you-want-with-it cash. So we can buy anything."
"We can buy anything."
"We Can Buy Anything."
The President had been standing. He had never really gotten used to not having to stand up when someone else entered the room, and sometimes didn't notice that the person with him was standing as well. He moved behind his desk and sat, motioning for Soros to do the same.
"So what do you want to buy?"
"How much do we have?"
"Let me put it this way: If you said to me now, 'George, go buy all the add time on the three major networks - "
" - Four."
"I assumed you'd not spend a penny on even the entertainment side of Fox."
"I'll have to think on that one."
"But, let's say four major networks." Soros wrote a few numbers on the top page of his legal pad. "then all the time on CNN, MSNBC, CNBC, Fox I guess - "
" - not Fox news. I want on Idol, not Greta."
"That makes the math easier. Then, add the three ESPN networks."
"Not Classic?"
"I'll get to that in a minute. All the different Law and Order and CSI reruns. Lifetime movies."
"Clone Wars?"
"Yes, and South Park."
The president smiles and nods. "Good."
"All the baby-factory reality shows on TLC. You buy them all up from third week of September through Election Day."
"Including the Series?"
"Including the Series. Buy them all now and the Other Guy is effectively shut out. Value of no primary challenge."
"Make a note that we - choke - owe Kucinich."
"Already written into the budget. Now. ESPN Classic."
"Yes."
"You run the dumbest Republican ads from the last 10 cycles during the events they are generally contemporary to."
"Super Bowl I?"
"George Romney on Vietnam."
"Aaron's 715th?"
"We have 15 spots of congressmen opposing impeachment."
"Bird-Dr. J."
"That idiot bear metaphor spot."
"Ali-Liston?"
"Girl picking daisy. Mr. President. I've got it all."
"How?"
"Well, that leads me to the other thing we could do. I bought all the ads."
"You bought them?"
"Well, I didn't buy them. The Archive for the People Who Long for a Stronger, Freeer World bought them."
"From whom?"
"Different people. A couple of ad agencies hold the copyrights. The estates of a couple of campaign managers. Mostly from the G.O.P. itself."
"You boughht ads from the G.O.P???"
"The Archive for The People Who Long for a Stronger, Freeer World did."
"And they have no idea it's you."
"I have no idea if they have no idea. I just know they liked the money. that's how I got this other idea."
Soros paused. Their eyes met. This was one of those student-tetacher moments Obama had enjoyed with the medical-marijuana activist ever since Watson II had recommended recruiting Soros to Project You Da Manchuria back in 1986.
"I'd have to raise about 20 million more to pull this offi, but-" Soros took a deep breath. "We buy the Republican Party." He grinned. the President laughed.
"We buy the G.O.P."
"It would involve about 80 separate transactions. Fifth state parties. A few key sSuper-PACs, a think tank or two, EDS."
"EDS? Ross Perot's old computer company?"
"The Republicans trust it. It's not Microsoft. It's not Apple. it's the key thing here. Let me ask you something, Mr. PresidentL: If you were the Puppet Master."
"The movie Puppet Master or the Fantastic Four villain."
"Let's go with the villain. In particular, that story where he did mind control to create a happy, serene life for Alicia that involved The Thing marrying her and all of that."
"That isn't exactly how the story went, but OK."
"What would you have the Republican Party do during the next three years?"
The surprise on The President's face was quickly replaced with a grin, a grin the preceded him leaning back in his chair, Instinctively, his hand moved to his shirt pocket before realizing he no longer keyp cigarettes there. He quickly adjusted, continuing the motion to move his fingers to his chin.
"Oh, wow. I see what you mean. Let me think."
"Can I start you?"
"Sure. What you got?"
"You define the primary. Start with losers. People who make Terry McAuliffe look-"
"-like Walter Conkite."
"Right. You start with a candidate the voters soundly reflected in 2008."
"That would be Mitt Romney."
"That's what I'm thinking. Nobody really liked McCain but they liked him more than Romney. So get Romney as one of your major candidates. Then, go for the shrill."
"You mean kill?"
"No shrill. Michelle Bachman."
The president laughed out loud.
"How in the world could she think she could run for president? She is more insulated from the real electorate than Katherine Harris was when she ran for senator. And we're talking about running for president."
"I'm glad you brought Katherine Harris up. We got her to run."
"We?"
"Well, actually, the idea was planted in her head by Floridians for Femininity.
Bill Nelson's people set the group up back when Paula Hawkins was senator."
"And Floridians for Feminity convinced Katherine Harris-"
"-to abandon a Congress seat she could have kept for life to run a stupid campaign against an incumbent who was only vulnerable on paper."
"Brilliant. Go on."
"OK, we need a sad sack. Some Republican who lost in 2006, preferably a senator."
"Liddy Dole ran once. Is she too old to run again?"
"I've got a better idea. Rick Santorum."
"Two-term senator from pennsylvania. Hard-right Roman Catholic. Anti-Gay. Anti-abortion."
"Anti-contraception, Mr. President. And the enemies he made will make him funny."
"Santorum funny? There's nothing funny about the guy."
"Believe me. if we can get him to run for president, it will be funny."
"OK. Romney. Bachman. Santorum. Who else?"
"We get Rick Perry to run to remind America of how stupid they thought Bush was."
"How will that help? It could backfire."
"It won't. Perry is bush minus the gravitas. He will make Bush look smart, which will then remind voters that they don't really think Bush is smart, that he created this whole mess because we were snookered into thinking anyone could do president after Clinton."
"Yeah, I can see that."
"I've already arranged for Perry to seem to support Texas's right to secede."
"Oh, you're bad, George, you're bad."
"It will be funny. He will be funny. The more funny we get-"
"-Let me stop you there. We need a black guy."
"Black guy."
"A black Republican who's not Alan Keyes, not some evangelical. A business guy, big success story."
"Honestly, Mr. President, I don't know."
"No. George - The success story is important because it has to be someone seriously in favor of a 15 percent tax rate on capital baines without thinking about how that looks to everyone else."
"We've got Romney for that."
"But get a black guy. The press will love it, and it will really mess with the base."
"OK, a black former CED. maybe someone who is trying to sell a book."
"Yes, there are a bunch of people selling books. Hell, get them all to run for president."
"That brings us to Sarah Palin."
"Does she run?"
"I could take 49 states against her."
"Yes, but it wouldn't be responsible. What if something happened and she actually won."
"She couldn't."
"Reagan couldn't. Both Bushes couldn't. I don't think she could, but I don't want her to run."
"So why bring her up?"
"I want her to tease running. Get on Fox a lot, do a bus tour, a book tour, sure. Set it up so she makes a ot of money."
"She'd have to quit being governor."
"We'd have her resign on some kind of misguided principle."
"And her role."
"She makes everyone look bad by the end. That's what I'm thinking."
"So Romney, Bachman, Santorum, a black CEO. Anyone else?"
"Ron Paul will likely run whether we want him to or not."
"How do we keep hium from simply going Libertarian."
"Get his son elected. Bunning's retiring. We get him to run there and put Conway up against him."
"I like Jack."
"We all like Jack. If he wins, fine. We gain a seat. My gut is he won't."
Soros jots down a few things next to Palin's name on his legal pad. He has written intermittently the entire conversation. The first page is almost full.
"Mr. president, what else would you want if you owned the G.O.P?"
"We,, Id' want Newt Gingrich to run."
"Newt? Would people believe it?":
"It wouldn't matter at first. It would be just this vanity exercise. But we arrange for him to become the Conservative Al-Ternative to Romney."
"Because he's - "
" - He's a less reliable conservative than Romney, less authentic as a person, brings up the whole Mormon thing about having mroe than one wife, and he doesn't realize it but he's just as foolishly rich. The only think you can say about Newt is that he didn't inherit his wealth. But when he earns it, it's bad for everyone else."
"So they're like Doom and Rama-Tut."
"You missed what John Byrne did with that. Actually Rama-Tut turned out to be descended from Reed Richards. But you've got it. Either Newt beatsRromnmey by calling attention to things that, by the general, are just as true about Newt, or Romney beats Newt by calling attention to thinks that are just as true about Romney."
"Romney dumps wives?"
"I don't think that is going to be romney's issue, but at some point, someone is going to ask why Mitt's father was born in Mexico."
"I didn't know he was."
"It was a minor issue when he made noises about running for president in 1964 and 1968. You could say it waas about religious prejudice, and that is going to bring up polygomy."
"I still don't see that, but the rest works. OK, a presidential field that includes romnmey, Gingrich, Bachman, a black guy, Rick Perry, maybe Ron Paul and maybe we'll throuw in someone to get in the race and then get outafter soemthing stupid like the Iowa Straw Poll."
"By the way, do we have anyone on the ground in Iowa? I'd likethem to spend the next couple of years making corn dogs a bigger part of the State Fair."
"Sure, we can do that. Any other early-state wants?"
"Yeah, get Florida to move up even earlier."
"Earlier? it did that last time."
"Even earlier. Get it so even the Republicdans penalize them for jumping the gun. Cause you also get them to hold their convention in Tampa."
"Tampa? It's miserable in Tampa in the summer."
"Exactly. And this is the kicker. The G.O.P. Republicdan primary needs to be winner take all."
"I can do that one. The convention will be tougher, but it can be done. OK, candidates, early primaries, convention in Tampa. Any more?"
"Well, we need Grover to pop up and make noises about impeaching me."
"For what?"
"Not signing the Bush tax cuts. I think the key is to put them off until just after the election. If Grover takes the bait, and I think he will, he will talk before the election about wanting to take the senate back so that they can pass an extension, which I'll veta, and then they'll impeach me."
"Is Grover that stupid?"
"He's that full of himself. If he was any fuller of himself, you couldn't have him and Limbaugh and Gingrich in the same room -"
" - and George H.W. Bush wouldn't have a joke to tell."
"Am I that transparent?"
"You're a statesman, Mr. President."
"And find some dwebb - Do you know what a dweeb is, George?"
"A twit that aspires to be a nerd."
"That's good. You find some dweeb to compare me to a real scoundrel in the news at the time. We'll have to wait for the right moment forhtis, but you've got a teem of Googlers keeping track of that kind of stuff, right?"
"Twentyfour bleeping Seven, Mr. President."
"At the right moment - matybe a few days after State of the Union, but this one's really event driven - have some dweeb compare me to a real bad actor in the news. Stupider analogy the better."
"We can precede that, Mr. President, by arrangging for one of the cand'dates to make really obvious, silly and clearly scripted remarks about celebrities."
"Yeah, but go easy on that one. I still owe Paris Hilton from 2008."
"Has she settled on a country yet."
"No, thank God. By the way, it was a good idea to have Nicole Richie remind her of the reasons she didn't want her name reassociated with the French."
"I'm just hoping she doesn't choose Thailand."
"Her chief of staff mentioned Cancun. Paris quickly told him it wasn't a country."
"Anyway, we would wipe out much of our Super-PAC funding to buy the Republican Party, which would mean they would have air time available."
"All the better, George. Every time they open their mouthes, we win. Seal the deal, now."