I'm a recovering addict named Joe. I have been clean since January 25th, 1995 using the twelve steps, first through Alcoholics Anonymous, and then beginning in 2004 Narcotics Anonymous.
Today, with heavy heart, I took a key back from an addict who I was sponsoring, who was living with me as he worked to straighten his life out, after finding out he stole money from me. I have decided to document my journey in recovery through a personal journal.
These are my experiences, no one else's, and I will work to preserve the anonymity of my fellow recovering addicts through the application of my programs' twelve traditions. If you have a problem with drugs, be they legal or otherwise, help is available today through a broad spectrum of programs, your life can get better. Although I speak from a perspective of twelve step programs, there are a smorgasbord of treatment options. Find one that works for you and change your life!
I first met Drew through a shaky phone call from a mental health unit. My number was given to him, and he asked for a ride to a meeting that night.
When I picked him up, he was a skeleton. Like many newly clean addicts, his mind was running so rapidly it was hard to get a word in edgewise through his internal dialogue, but in between interjections from his disease I managed to share my story as an addict in long term recovery from opiate addiction. He seemed to find some hope in what I had to share.
I learned he had a wife who used with him, and two young children, a son and a daughter in foster care. After a meeting he promised me, and the other clean addict riding with us, that he would stay clean that night.
The next day he called again, clean, and I took him to another meeting. He chattered constantly, so much that a mutual friend finally suggested he close his mouth and listen for a while. He did. He followed suggestions.
Within two weeks he had chosen a sponsor, who immediately assigned him step work and encouraged him to call other recovering addicts and get to as many meetings as possible. Between his sponsor and me, we ran him all over our part of Ohio.
As Drew became more comfortable around us, his nervous chatter changed to the easy dialogue found between friends. A brilliant, if devious, sense of humor emerged, as did a genius for inventiveness and a delight in learning. Drew regained lost weight and the sparkle came back into his eyes. Over the period of a few months he moved back in with his wife, who had joined him in recovery, and they began the process of rebuilding their family.
Supervised visits with the children became unsupervised sleepovers. In short order, the family was reunited and happy. Through counseling the children began to deal with the issues of seeing their parents high, and being abandoned for long periods of time when mom and dad went out chasing dope.
From the outside looking in everything seemed to be heading in the right direction, but issues kept as secrets began to affect Drew's relationships. I watched the sense of humor dim, and the brilliance slowly fade as lethargy began to take Drew away from us.
We tried pointing out to him the danger he was facing, but a fierce streak of independence kept him aloof. His wife, very codependent, also began closing up to her friends. We said what we could say, and did what we could do, but they drifted away.
His first relapse came a year ago, after sixteen months clean, and I was called by his wife. We went to comfort her, and Drew came through the door. We can second guess. He wasn't ready. He wasn't expecting us to talk to him. In any case, when he returned to meetings after the first relapse he was different. He was remote. He was arrogant. He was unwilling to listen.
The second relapse occured around the holidays. His wife followed him out into the world, and we heard nothing from them for several months.
Early in the spring I got a call from him. He sounded ready to come in from the cold. I welcomed him into my home, and I took him on as a sponsee. I let him know, early on, his conditions for living with me. No stealing. No using. If either happened, he was gone. I also let him know that I would only do this for him once.
He seemed to be getting better, and he returned to his family. His wife was clean again. They seemed to be rebuilding. If nothing else, this time they hadn't crashed quite as badly as they had when they came into the program the first time. That was a minor success.
Still. There are several strong suggestions in the 12 step programs. Two of the most significant, and probably most ignored, are "make no major changes in your first year" and "don't get into a relationship in your first year." Drew asked me to move back in. He and his wife were "having problems."
I found out after he was back on my couch that he had hooked up with a newcomer in a nearby town, and they were in "luv." I did everything short of kicking him out and firing him as a sponsee to discourage the new relationship, but he would not listen. I explained. I over-explained (tried to manipulate -- shame on me.) I shared my own miserable experience getting into a relationship as a newcomer. Ultimately, this was something he needed to experience for himself.
The same two rules still applied, no stealing, and no using. He was working, and visiting his girlfriend over the weekend. He was babysitting his own children during the week and on alternating weekends he was spending days with them. I sounded like a stuck record: responsibility, responsibility, responsibility.
Sadly, this morning I came downstairs to find my wallet empty and Drew gone. When he came home, I confronted him, and he admitted to stealing money and going to get high. Today and tonight, Drew is on his own, and it's going to be cold outside.
One thing I have learned in recovery that at the end of the day, personal experience is still the best teacher. It's the only thing guaranteed to bring us to our senses. Unfortunately, sometimes death or imprisonment comes before we've had enough experience.
It's my prayer to hug Drew again at a meeting, and let him know how much I care about him, but it is my very real fear that Drew may not live long enough to get to a meeting.
If you pray, fellow Kossacks, pray today for Drew, and for every addict who still suffers. If prayer and a higher power aren't your thing, maybe send some positive thoughts Drew's way, and be aware that there are people out there in the wide world for whom living clean is a challenge they don't know how to meet.
With love and respect, thanks for reading.