Everybody knows that tonight's debate is the most important thing that has ever happened anywhere, ever. 1,000 years of darkness are at stake here, people!
So game-changers and October Surprises are the way to go. Each candidate will unveil a series of crazy surprises, each crazier than the last, because everybody knows that appearing to be an unstable stockpile of dramatically withheld secrets is the key to victory in the debates, just as it is on "Survivor."
But I have the inside scoop on this shit- here are what we can expect tonight!
Mitt Romney:
-Mitt Romney will humanize himself by repeatedly producing adorable puggle puppies from his jacket when asked difficult questions.
-He will unveil recently-discovered clips from Obama's appearance in a 1987 pornographic movie, entitled "Taxin' and Spendin'."
-He will laughingly describe Paul Ryan's attempts to get him started on an exercise regimen, but trail off in his words and stare blankly at some spot in the distance while describing Ryan's taut washboard abdominals.
-In an attempt to appear more youthful, he will apply his "Just For Men" all the way to the bottom of his sideburns, completely eliminating his grayed temples.
-In an attempt to appear more vulnerable and appeal to older voters, he will allow his gray hair to expand, taking over a larger portion of his head.
-As you can see, the above two points appear to contradict each other. Not so- he will die his hair completely on ONE side of his head, and allow the gray room to roam on the OTHER side. Depending on how he wants to appear when answering specific questions, he will turn to a different side.
-His biggest game-changer of the season arrives when he releases Obama's Internet History, showing a deep and abiding love for teenaged lesbian cheerleaders.
Barack Obama:
-Obama will quickly counter that that's actually Biden's search history, and will chastise the Vice President publicly for using his office again.
-Obama will appear tough by repeatedly ignoring the moderator's pleas to put out his cigarette.
-Obama will set fire to a one-dollar bill, causing Romney to fall to his knees and sobbingly attempt to glue the ashes back together.
-Upon Obama's uttering the words "this statement is false," Romney's neural net will fail in the face of the logical paradox- the paradox being the straw that broke the camel's back after two years of self-contradictory statements. Romney will collapse to the floor in a pile of scrap metal and fried circuitry.
-With one kiss, Obama will cure Michelle Malkin.
-Taking some ill-advised advice, Obama's "yo momma" rebuttals will cause him to slide horribly in the polls.
-Obama will continue to surprise Republican voters by not revealing all his secret hatred of America for another consecutive day.