I am Romney, hear me lie,
Kiss the middle class goodbye,
'Cause I'm here to send your factory jobs to China.
I believe that Greed is Good,
Serving Mammon like I should,
Gosh, you folks I fired are a bunch of whiners!
Yes, I am rich,
All my money comes from Bain.
Yes, I've sold my soul,
But look how much I've gained.
If I want to, I can buy anything!
I am wrong!
I am unprincipled!
I am Romney!
I don't drink or smoke at all,
'Cause those sins are much too small,
I prefer the ones that cause a lot of suffering.
Closing factories, cutting hair,
Causing all kinds of despair,
By reducing all your pension plans to nothing.
Yes, I'm a dick,
But I've got a dancing horse,
Cadillacs for Ann,
With rooftop dogs, of course.
If I want to, I can fire everyone!
I am wrong!
I am unconscionable!
I am Romney!
First they came for the locust capitalists, but I didn't speak out because I wasn't a locust capitalist.
Then they came for the car elevator repairmen, but I didn't speak out because I wasn't a car elevator repairman.
Then they came for the venn diagram artists, but I didn't speak out because I wasn't a venn diagram artist.
Then they came for me, and there was no one left to speak out for me.
So I fueled up my private jet and flew to Geneva to visit my money.
Turns out I was a locust capitalist after all!
Romney. Believe in America. Or Switzerland. Whatever.
Previously on Mitt & Harry:
Harry: "Mitt didn't pay his taxes!"
Mitt: "Harry, put up or shut up!"
And now, the conclusion:
Harry: "OK, Mitt, I'll put up. (Takes out his cell.) Hello, get me the director of the I.R.S. Hello, Mr. Director? This is the Senate Majority Leader. I hereby order you to release Mitt's tax returns!"
Director: "I'm sorry sir, but you don't have that authority."
Harry: "Oh, that's OK. I'll ask the President to make this call."
Director: "I'm sorry sir, but the President doesn't have the authority either."
Harry: "Oh, well, I tried. But tell me, who does have the authority?"
Director: "Only Mr. Romney himself, sir."
Harry: "Oh, no problem! Hold on a second. Hey Mitt! He wants to talk to you!"
And now, a word from our sponsor.
Hi, Mitt Romney here.
If you're a severe conservative like me, you know the value of a good investment.
That's why I invest in Stericycle, the aborted fetus disposal company that'll put a smile on your face... and a dividend check in your mailbox!
You see, Stericycle collects aborted fetuses from clinics across America, and then wrings every last dollar of profit out of each and every one of them!
And Stericycle is efficient, so you'll really clean up -- so to speak --- while ridding yourself of those pesky principles!
See this pile of aborted fetuses? Gross, I know. But just watch how easy it is to turn
this, -- SNAP! -- into a tidy pile of cash!
Sure, the nervous nellies will tell you abortion is controversial. But there's nothing controversial about profits, my friend!
And to all you liberals out there who want abortion to be safe, legal, and rare... well, let's not make it TOO rare, shall we!
So go ahead! Say goodbye conscience, hell-o sweet cash! Buy yourself a few blocks of Stericycle today!
Stericycle.... mmmmm, I love the smell of burning fetuses in the morning!
It's the smell of PROFIT!
There's a man who doesn't pay his taxes,
About his wealth he won't say what the facts is,
With every lie he tells,
The worse and worse he smells,
Odds are he won't win the next election.
Secret candidate,
Secret candidate,
He's pissing on your country,
And telling you it's rain.
All his plans for you are marked Top Secret,
He'll give his promise, but he'll never keep it,
With every pledge he makes,
Another smile he fakes,
Odds are all the Kochs have got erections.
Secret candidate,
Secret candidate,
He's pissing on your country,
And telling you it's Bain.
“I’m not familiar precisely with exactly what I said, but I stand by what I said, whatever it was,”
“Corporations are people, my friend.”
“I like being able to fire people.”
“I’m not concerned about the very poor.”
“I’m also unemployed.”
“Ann drives a couple of Cadillacs, actually.”
“Ten thousand bucks? Ten thousand dollar bet?”
“I have some great friends that are NASCAR team owners.”
"Middle income is $200,000 to $250,000 and less."
“There were a couple of times I wondered whether I was going to get a pink slip.”
“I’m running for office, for Pete’s sake; we can’t have illegals.”
"Nice ponchos. Really went for the big bucks."
"I'm not sure about these cookies. They don't look like you made them. No, no. They came from the local 7-Eleven."
"That dog enjoyed himself."
"There are 47% of the people who will vote for the president no matter what. All right, there are 47% who are with him, who are dependent upon government, who believe that they are victims, who believe the government has a responsibility to care for them, who believe that they are entitled to health care, to food, to housing, to you-name-it. That that's an entitlement. And the government should give it to them. And they will vote for this president no matter what.... These are people who pay no income tax."
You heard it straight from the horse's ass.
Ever hear the B side of Willard's rendition of America The Beautiful? He wrote the words himself:
Piss on America,
Land that I lord,
Stand astride her,
And ride her,
While I cheat and I steal and I hoard.
Closing factories,
Firing workers,
Stealing pensions,
Left and right.
Piss on America,
It's my birthright.
Piss on America,
It's My. Birth. Right.
No, Willard. Piss on you.