You’re no art expert, but you know what you like, which explains all the meatball sandwiches hanging on your walls.
The stars foresee a second job promotion in the days to come, though they should probably be telling Dave about it instead of you.
When you were born they threw away the mold. Also, they threw away the glass womb, the intravenous feeding tubes, the contaminated petri dishes, and most of the funding.
Sometimes it is best to simply let events unfold. However, doing so for the past 25 years was probably a mistake.
That bottle of whiskey might help you sleep, but then, there's probably an easier way than smashing it over your head every night.
Looking back on it now, letting Sam Peckinpah direct your home movies was probably a big mistake.
Low-Risk Mutual Funds and Tax-Exempt Municipal Bonds might seem like a safe bet.
But then, picking a racehorse based solely on its name is never the way to go.
It seems your own cat isn’t one of those cats that dials 911 when its owner sets fire to the apartment while trying to figure out how to deep-fry Snickers bars.
After decades of being repeatedly hit by buses, you’ll finally sit down and talk with one face-to-face and realize that was just their unique way of expressing their affection all along.
It's nice that you're trying to become closer to your coworkers, but really, by now you should have noticed they're trying to edge away as politely as possible.
You will undergo a profound personal and spiritual change this week, but no one around you will notice since it doesn't make you put on pants any more often.
Your plan to dig an escape tunnel over the next three years using only a spoon stolen from the cafeteria will utterly dumbfound everyone else at the office.
When all's said and done, some people will actually admire the way you stand your ground and don’t let the escaped zoo elephant just push you around.
There's almost certainly a more efficient way to get through life, but by this point you're pretty used to just joining any old conga line that goes by.
Okay, the stars are sorry that they made you wear a gorilla suit all last week for what turned out to be no reason, but it's really, truly, vitally important that you wear a Carmen Miranda fruit hat everywhere for the next few days.
No one can argue effectively without the correct set of tools, so make sure you have a hammer in each hand.
The sun is in Virgo, the moon is in Capricorn, and Cancer is in Taurus this week. You, however, are still single.
You've tried everything you can think of to stop yourself from gaining weight.
Unfortunately, you have your best ideas while eating entire coconut-cream pies.
Your life story will bring much-needed happiness and laughter to the world, especially the hilarious ending.
Being bright, handsome, and exceptionally talented isn't all that it's cracked up to be. So at least you've got that going for you.
Turns out it was the butler, in the study, with the candlestick. But enough about your love life.
Follow your dreams this week. When delivering a presentation at work, turn into a giant eggplant and fly away.
What you'll later choose to describe as a "through the looking glass" moment will actually be more of a "down a set of stairs, through a plate-glass window, and out into heavy traffic" sort of afternoon.