Last year when I heard the incredible news Newt Gingrich was thinking of running for President, I logged onto his website so that I could see it with my own eyes. I got on his mailing list and ever since, I get periodic emails from him and his small band of True Believers asking for money. Consistently, these emails have the most ludicrous titles and the most absurd spins on the latest political developments. The latest email to me comes directly from the Grand Transformational Historical Figure himself and is entitled, "Conservative Dream Team":
Dear Fellow Conservative,
Yesterday afternoon I took the stage at CPAC to deliver a message to the Washington establishment in both parties: "Your days are numbered."
For decades, the forces of the status quo in Washington have stood in the way of the bold conservative changes we need to remain safe, prosperous and free. We can't continue to let those forces continue to dominate the day ...
We have put together a "Conservative Dream Team" to win the nomination, defeat Barack Obama, and then break the back of the Washington establishment which stands in the way of bold, conservative change..It includes conservatives like Governor Rick Perry, Fred Thompson, Herman Cain, Chuck Norris, Kellyanne Conway and more in supporting my campaign. I ask you right now to join the conservative dream team right now by making a generous donation to keep this campaign strong.
Your friend,
Newt
So I decided to send off a warm reply to my good friend Newt, to wit:
Dear Newt,
I do not know if you realize this yet, but you are well on your way to becoming a self-parody in the national historical consciousness. You know what I did when I saw your words "conservative dream team"? I laughed out loud. Yes.
Because to most of the American people, for Newt Gingrich to say "Conservative Dream Team", we would think of that team as being you and your three most prominent "conservative" endorsers: Herman Cain, Rick Perry and ....oh, who's that third one? Uhhh. Hmmmmm... uh,oh well...Oooops!
Stay in the race, buddy. You're going to have your pound of flesh on election night in November when Ro-Money loses by 10 points to Obama. This is going to be a transformative election this year, as you say. This election is going to transform the Republican Party into a truly minor party, much like the Whigs became two centuries ago, and ultimately, into a defunct national party.
This presidential campaign is exposing the Republican Party to the light of critical analysis and is revealing very clearly to the American people its most hateful, anti-democratic and plutocratic elements. The Perfect Storm of the Occupy Movement, the growing economic recovery, the maturing of the 24 hour news cycle and its concomitant populist-driven political blogosphere and your Republican Party's narcisisstic factionalism have made it clear to a growing number of Americans that you and your fellow GOP candidates have no business being anywhere near the White House ever. Even your own partisan pundits are saying this for each one of you, and no matter how hard you try, the vilest motivated among you cannot agree on a single Great White Hope to challenge Obama, because the other historical trend that you have failed to understand, the civil and human rights movement that has been growing since 1954, is another part of this Perfect Storm that you, in your historian's prescience, have failed to factor into your political strategy.
So keep your Conservative Dream Team coming, Newt. You are absolutely evolving into a grand transformational historical leader, and we on the Left thank you and Callista for everything you do!
Warm wishes, your pal,
SiliconKossack