ARCTIC STATION, TORONTO—Scientists at this bleak arctic weather station far to the north of the United States announced last week that thanks to global warming, they believe that by 2050 the vast, frozen tundra known as 'Canada' will be fit for human habitation.
The claim has generated enormous controversy in the scientific community and beyond. "Although perhaps surprising, we feel that our climate models accurately reflect the reality of human-made global warming," said lead climatologist Page Wildmon.
"What had been an icy, snow-bound hell will, in our lifetime, be fit for limited human settlement," she added, "similar to Siberia or maybe northern Wisconsin: brutal and unforgiving, but still possible."
Such change will not come without a cost: many species will suffer, with some even becoming extinct. "The large populations of migratory penguins that summer on the northern shores of Lake Ontario will almost certainly be wiped out," said wildlife biologist Dr. Harold Reade. "And the vast herds of musk ox near Detroit will be forced to range far to the north, perhaps as far as Sudbury."
The native peoples living in isolated and primitive villages such as Montreal and Ottawa will also see massive change as their traditional seal hunting grounds are impacted. "For example, can the tribes that summer around Hamilton survive without access to whale blubber, a staple of their diet and animistic religion?" asked Dr. Reade.
"We just don't know."
Cross Posted At The Smew, the best in Canadian Snark