The Grim Reaper of Extinction is sleeping late this morning, after another rough night.
The remaining GOPasaurs – Brontosaurus romneii, Struthiomimus santorum, Libertariasaurus paulii, and stegasaurus Newtii – continue to rise from the ashes of their repeated self-immolation to live another day.
Those of you who’ve been following my dinosaur diaries have seen evolutionary theory subverted time and time again, as candidates who should have been tossed onto the ash-heap of history continue to survive, even thrive, against all odds.
Last night’s results from Minnesota, Missouri, and Colorado confirm at least one thing: the voters will embrace almost anyone besides the formerly-inevitable and always odious B. romneii.
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Paleontologists have finally made a stunning breakthrough that may explain B. romneii’s soul-less persona,cold-blooded regard of others of its own species (and unforgivably heartless treatment of canids), and utter lack of core values.
It turns out that this inept creature is in fact an animatronic dinosaur, built in the 1960s, kept hidden in various lavishly-appointed caves, then re-animated – although only with a few rudimentary updates – to participate in presidential campaigns. The clumsy gait, the absurd plaid camouflage, the gaffe-prone vocalizations, the inability to relate to others… Now we know why: this creature is from the laboratory, not the Mesozoic morasses, and is nothing more than the sum of its outdated hardware and software.
Speculation abounds that the same laboratory responsible for B. romneii may also have produced the Stepfordian Callistasaurus tiffanii, whose unwavering demeanor and immutable coif and smile had long aroused suspicions of a cyborgian provenance. As the primary season has dragged on, the perfect ash-blonde hair has grown, revealing darker roots, a charmingly human touch that will endear C. tiffanii to the legions of busy professional women voters whose schedule prevents the necessary salon appointments to sustain the illusion of perpetual youth.
In other evolutionary paradoxes, S. santorum emerged as the winner in all three states, proving that those few conservative voters who bothered to drag their posteriors to the polls will cast their lot with a self-righteous, sweater-vested homophobe obsessed with the possibility that someone, somewhere, might be having fun in the privacy of their cave. Nothing better exemplifies “freedom” and “small government” than having a potential president camped out in your bedroom watching and criticizing your every move.
While the fossil record will eventually consign S. santorum to well-deserved “footnote” status, we’re not done with him just yet, and his pompous pronouncements will echo across the land as he simultaneously campaigns for the presidency while keeping his vice-presidential options open by feigning respect for his competition.
Libertariasaurus paulii continues to hold his own despite his advanced age and increasingly bizarre views. This wily septuageneriasaur has co-opted the youth vote, evoking the “kindly grandpa who lets me do whatever I want” persona to convince them to devote their efforts to his campaign. Little do they suspect that they are simply cannon fodder in L. paulii’s perplexing shuffle towards the possibility of leading the very government he claims is the source of all evil. At the end of the era, these naïve young supporters will find themselves tossed into the volcano along with the elderly, the poor, the sick, the unemployed, and pretty much anyone else… including those of you reading this. Sorry.
Finally, what can we say (without the use of extensive profanity) about Stegasaurus Newtii? This bloviating behemoth has managed to stuff himself into a seat on the Extinction Roller Coaster of Doom, one day gloating at his inevitability, the next biting his opponents in the ankle and spewing venom, the next teetering on the brink of extinction, then Up, Up, and Away – to the Moon!
Paleo-prognosticators are predicting extinction once S. newtii devours the last donations from Casinosaurus Adelsonii and is forced to confront financial mortality. In the interim, S. Newtii will continue playing out this Mesozoic melodrama, sharing his aspirational visions of lunar conquest for the elite, and his Dickensian janitorial plans for the less fortunate, as he continues his quest to ensure that his party and country suffer the most divisive and destructive campaign possible, yielding the election to Obamasaurus Rex.
Maybe THEN these Mesozoic mouth-breathers will shuffle off to extinction. One can only hope.