There are more or less two thousand children in my pediatric medical practice. No fewer than thirty are the children of same-gender couples. Some are adopted, some the biological offspring of one of the parents from a previous heterosexual relationship, and some were conceived by artificial insemination. All are loved and treasured, as all children should be.
Which is why I was stunned this week when a parent, whose child had been called back as one of my same-gender couples was exiting, asked me in a whisper as the nurse was weighing his child how it was that I could "condone" children being raised "unnaturally". "I feel bad for that kid (a boy), having two moms and no dad", he said.
I answered that I didn't feel bad at all for him, that he had two parents who loved him very much, and that little else mattered. He looked at me as if I had two heads, shook his slightly, and we moved on to his child's appointment.
Families in America today come in all shapes and sizes. Be they unwed mothers raising children alone, divorced or separated parents raising their children in split fashion, remarried parents raising their children and stepchildren, or grandparents parenting again, American families of the 21st century are more diverse than the one-mom, one-dad, 2.1-children model of yesteryear.
And yet Americans give almost no second thought to this bewildering variety of nontraditional family structures, with one exception: the same-gender parent family structure.
Almost no issue is as polarizing today as whether to grant or deny gays and lesbians the right to marry. Meanwhile, as the debate rages in statehouses and houses of worship, in courtrooms and living rooms, more same-sex couples than ever before are quietly and lovingly and responsibly raising children.
Across America, families with two dads or two moms are becoming boringly normal. Between 1 million and 6 million children in the United States are being reared by committed lesbian or gay individuals or couples. Nearly one-quarter of same-sex couples are raising children, in at least 96 percent of all counties in the U.S.
What was once unheard of has become a mundane fact of American life.
Opponents of gay marriage frequently argue that children who grow up in same-sex parent households are harmed. It is, they argue, as did the father in my story, an "unnatural upbringing". They fear the end of family life as we know it.
However, the overwhelming consensus of decades of study shows that children born to and raised by lesbian and gay couples seem to do just as well in every measure of health and well-being as children whose parents are heterosexual.
Put simply, there is ample evidence that conscientious and nurturing adults – whether they are men or women, heterosexual or homosexual – can be excellent parents.
Opponents of gay marriage often point to studies showing that children raised in families headed by a father and a mother fare much better in childhood, and later as adults. Apples and oranges – such studies are not applicable here, because they compared families with opposite-sex parents to single-parent families, not with those headed by a same-gender couple.
Besides, if children can never succeed without both male and female role models at home, should we then forbid single parents from raising children?
More than three decades of research shows that there are no significant differences in psychosocial development between children raised in same-gender versus heterosexual households. Moreover, studies repeatedly show that children of single heterosexual parents experience greater overall difficulties now and later than children being responsibly reared by two parents of the same sex.
Most remarkable is that research demonstrates higher levels of social, emotional, academic, and total competence in adolescents raised by same-gender couples than in gender-matched samples, a finding which may be explained in part by a greater commitment on the part of same-gender couples even before their offspring were born or adopted to be fully engaged in the process of parenting.
Opponents of gay marriage further argue that the raising of a child in a same-gender parent household leads to gender-identity confusion, and increases the likelihood of homosexual orientation. This is utter fallacy.
By that thinking, if gay parents will raise gay children, then straight parents would raise only straight children. Sigh. There is absolutely no basis on which to assume that a parent’s homosexual orientation causes gender-identity confusion in the child, or induces a homosexual orientation in adolescence or adulthood.
Notwithstanding the complex cultural, moral, and religious issues related to same-gender couples and their children, the case for denying these couples legal access to civil marriage – and all its attendant benefits, rights, and privileges – cannot and must no longer be defended by claiming the best interest of the child. The child’s best interest is served foremost by attachment to committed, nurturing and competent parents, no matter those parents’ sexual orientation.
What has been consistently demonstrated is what common sense tells us: that greater stability and nurturance within a family system, irrespective of the parents’ gender, predicts greater security and fewer behavioral problems among children. Sexual orientation of the parents has no bearing on quality of parenting.
Gays and lesbians have been raising children for many years, and will continue to do so. Our society cannot vote or legislate this fact away.
Thankfully, societies do change, and ours is increasingly recognizing that nontraditional families are here to stay. Homosexual parents will one day come to seem another variety in the bewildering gamut of family structures. The day is gladly not long off when we will collectively grant the security of two legally recognized parents that their children deserve.