From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE…
"Name That Duck!"
The nominations closed Sunday night without incident (although we did drunk-dial the cops a couple times---oops). The entries have been culled, condensed, collated, cross-referenced, cross-indexed and cross-pollinated. Now it's your turn to give the C&J mascot (above) its official Kossack-approved name. Out of the roughly 165 suggestions we received---and thanks to everyone who sent one in---the five finalists I picked are:
Rubber Duckworth I chose this nominee because it exudes class and distinction but also lets you point at it and go, "HuhHuhHuh…Rubber." Rubber doesn’t squeak. He makes the butler squeak for him. If you get on his good side, he'll lavish you with hedonistic pleasures that'll make your toes curl. His pond is full of peeps and chicks, minus the ones who went swimming with too much jewelry on and sank.
DK This one's a little complicated, so I'll let a rocket scientist explain: "It's the initials of Daily Kos and it's the first and last letter of duck. Can I have my five-dollar consulting fee now?" [Fwipfwipfwipfwipfwip] Yes, ma'am, here ya go. Plus "DK" is fun to say because it kinda sounds like "Takei." If it turns out DK is gay, we could start a campaign called, "It's OK to be DK!"
Quacktor the Bloginator "What is that thing? Why, it's a…it’s a…aieeeeeee!!!" This choice is for folks whose ideal duck is 80 feet tall and able to go on city-wide rampages at your command. Screw Citizens United---Quacktor will protect your hand-picked candidates for office and snarf the opposition. Keep in mind that, should this choice win, you'll be responsible for getting it the proper ducky license from City Hall. Oh, and also the neutering. Good luck.
Kevin What's not to like about Kevin? This is a duck you'd be proud to introduce to your parents. Well, unless they were insatiable cookers and eaters of duck. But seriously, give Kevin a chance---he volunteers at the old folks home, recycles, goes the speed limit and downloads music legally. He's literally the perfect duck in every respect as long as you don’t look in his cellar.
Socialist Duckstick: This bad boy worships at the altar of the fevered Republican imagination. Socialist Duckstick is the dirty communist marxist Kenyan colonial Muslim feminist pagan Hispanic Black anarchist slacker hippie union duck that haunts their nightmares. Socialist Duckstick demands universal healthcare and income equality. The Koch brothers have a bounty on his head, plus his breast, thighs and wings.
Now it's up to you. Once you've presented your photo I.D., birth certificate (long form) hair sample, urine sample, plate of brownies and basket of kittens, you may vote. Oh, and if the Diebold voting machine doesn't reflect your choice the first time around, bang on it with a hammer for a few minutes until it changes. If that doesn't work, try plugging it in.
Cheers and Jeers starts below the fold... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
Cheers and Jeers for Tuesday, March 20, 2012
Note: Sugar caffeine sugar caffeine sugar caffeine sugar caffeine. Our motto: keep it simple.
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By the Numbers:
Days 'til Tax Day (April 17 this year cuz the 15th is Sunday and the 16th is Emancipation Day in D.C.): 28
Days 'til the Catawba Valley Pottery Festival in Hickory, North Carolina: 4
Airline on-time arrival rate in January, 2012, up from 76% in Jan. '11: 84%
(Source: Transportation Dept.)
Length of the west coast "Electric Highway" on I-5 that runs from the CA border to Cottage Grove, OR, with charging stations every 25 miles: 160
Approximate time it takes to "power up" a Nissan Leaf with the Level-3 chargers along the route: 20 minutes
(Source: AP)
Year in which sales of music downloads exceeded sales of music CDs: 2011
(Source: USA Today)
Minimum number of close relatives that Maine Gov. Paul LePage has put on the payroll: 2
(Source: The Portland Press Herald)
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Tuesday Words of Wisdom from the Right-wing Blogosphere:
[I]f you you’re (sic) black and you don’t support the President, well then you’re practically just standing around with your hands in your pockets while a brother gets lynched.
---Roger Clegg at The Corner
All together now: 1…2…3…
Classy!
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Puppy Pic of the Day: Welcome to the doggie pool…
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CHEERS to Spring! Q: Where do people go to learn about the seasons? A: At the School of Hard Vernal Equinox! Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha!!! No, but seriously... At 1:14 this morning, I donned my tutu, strapped on my fairy wings, ran outside and skipped barefoot through the barley fields with the wee village folk to celebrate the official end of winter. As usual, I ended up squishing several of them (they're really wee), but the point wasn't lost among their screams of agony: it's happy time! (High temps for inland Maine over the next three days: 80, 83, 85.) Memo to daffodils: start poinking.
P.S. The swallows returned to the San Juan Capistrano Mission in California yesterday. The annual event is popular with budding young lovers who are on a budget. It's a cheep date.
JEERS to the nattering nabobs of news. Recapping the GOP primary season thus far from the beltway media's perspective:
Iowa was "Make or break!"
New Hampshire was "Do or die!"
South Carolina was "Now or never!"
Florida was "In or out!"
Nevada, Colorado, Minnesota and Arizona were "The point of no return!"
Maine was…um…"A giant clusterfuck!"
Michigan was "The last firewall!"
Ohio was "The tipping point!"
Oklahoma and Tennessee were "Shit or get off the pot time!"
Alabama and Mississippi were "The Final gasp!"
And today in Illinois, the final four---Romney, Gingrich, Santorum and Dobby---find themselves back at "Make or break" and the cycle repeats itself for another three months. With a Romney victory in the bag today, I wouldn’t fault Kos for liveblogging something more exciting. Like, say, anything.
CHEERS to Great Moments in Bad Euphemisms. Headline in USA Today yesterday:
Pope’s Mexico trip a chance to tap faithful
The writer was either ignorant, in a hurry to hit a deadline…or a little devil.
CHEERS to strategic cutting and running. On March 20, 1942, General Douglas MacArthur pulled out of the Philippines during World War II so his forces could live to fight another day. His words made history: "I shall return." Not so historic were the words that followed: "Accelerator's on the right! Go Go Go Go Go!!!!"
JEERS to vigilante justice. What makes the senseless killing of Trayvon Martin (age 17 and heavily armed with Skittles and a bottle of iced tea when he was shot) so infuriating is: Florida has that fucked-up 2005 "stand your ground" law (heckuva job, NRA) saying you can shoot someone straight between the eyes if they so much as cock an eyebrow menacingly in your direction. So Trayvon's shooter, Dickwad Zimmerman, can use it to help shield him from prosecution. Think Progress has a handy list of things you should know about this story, which could finally re-focus some national attention on batty gun laws and what Washington Post reporter Jonathan Capehart calls "being a black male [and] carrying the heavy weight of other people’s suspicions." The mayor of Sanford, Florida travels to Washington today to meet with federal officials, who have a hate-crimes law at their beck and call. Stay tuned---this story is just beginning to unspool.
JEERS to very bad things happening very badly. Okay, let's talk Iran for a sec. Seems the Pentagon brainiacs in Cardigan sweaters have been gaming out likely scenarios of an Israeli attack on that country's nuclear facilities. Let's just say that for our bucks we'd get more bang than we bargained for:
[T]he strike would lead to a wider regional war, which could draw in the United States and leave hundreds of Americans dead, according to American officials. …
The initial Israeli attack was assessed to have set back the Iranian nuclear program by roughly a year, and the subsequent American strikes did not slow the Iranian nuclear program by more than an additional two years. However, other Pentagon planners have said that America’s arsenal of long-range bombers, refueling aircraft and precision missiles could do far more damage to the Iranian nuclear program---if President Obama were to decide on a full-scale retaliation. … In the end, the war game reinforced to military officials the unpredictable and uncontrollable nature of a strike by Israel, and a counterstrike by Iran, the officials said.
The neocon wing of the Republican party was planning to issue a statement on the report. Instead they just stood in front of a microphone, smiled real big, and peed their pants.
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Five years ago in C&J: March 20, 2007
CHEERS to a pleasant stroll. Over the weekend, on the eve of the Iraq war's fourth anniversary, war demonstrations broke out all over the country (including in 100 communities here in Maine). The right-wingers were out, too, but their chant---"Two, Four, Six, Eight, give the president's plan time to work at least until the end of the summer and maybe early fall so that the Maliki government can establish some sense of order in the parliament!"---just didn’t have the usual zip to it. Paging Frank Luntz...
CHEERS to feeding table scraps to your pooch. As I read it, virtually the entire supply of wet pet food is tainted by who-knows-what. If you've given your dog or cat any recently, you should watch out for these and other symptoms: 1) Seems excessively thirsty 2) Urinates much more than usual 3) Vomits. But enough about me. What about my dog??
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And just one more…
CHEERS to little adjustments. Wow, this morning you're in for a real treat as I morph into my new self! See, I've always been told that, having been birthed in 1964, I'm a Baby Boomer. It even says so in the Sacred Pedia of Wiki. But last Friday I read in the nation's only nation-approved newspaper that I'm not a Baby Boomer at all, but rather a member of the pack known as Generation X. I accept their judgment. And now, without further ado, watch as I undergo the necessary transformation into my new identity right in front of your eyes. Caution: this may be a little tough to sit through:
Ngggghhh!!!! Errrgghmmmmm!!! Aghhhhh!!!!!!
[Turns baseball cap backwards]
[Collapses on floor]
If you need me for anything this afternoon, I'll be out buying pants that are ten sizes too big. Yo.
Have a nice Tuesday. Men…step right up. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial:
When George Clooney found himself detained Friday after being arrested outside of the Sudanese Embassy in Washington, he says he did what many of us would do in that situation: He used his one phone call to ring Bill in Portland Maine.
---The Marquee Blog
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