Hello... anybody? Wanna give a girl a break? Please?
Once again, we sit in breathless anticipation of the latest numbers. The voters have spoken, and it's all over but the interminable and incomprehensible speeches, disingenuous and dubious spinning of the numbers, sanctimonious and self-evident analysis by pompous pundits, and of course days of hand-wringing across the blogosphere. Oh, and picking up loose bits of popcorn from your living room carpet.
Given the absurdity of the GOP campaign season, your intrepid diarist will once again cover this pivotal event in limerick form, since prose should be reserved for matters of greater gravitas.
Here are a few limericks to get us started. Feel free to join in with your own poetic contributions or to suggest other topics for limerick coverage. Check back for updates as the evening unfolds (or unravels...)
Rick Santorum is on a crusade
Every speech has become a tirade
He's been carefully taught
He's freaked out by the thought
That somebody somewhere's getting laid
Among canids Mitt Romney is famous
For mistreating a setter named Seamus
On the roof of his car
Over distances far
(We'd sh*t too, and nobody could blame us)
Is Ron Paul in this campaign for real?
Or just working his own VP deal
For his creepy son, Rand
To take over the land
When Mitt Romney becomes the big wheel?
Newt is still in the race, so it seems
For Callista, whose head's filled with dreams
With her eyes on the prize
She just cannot disguise
All her Machiavellian schemes.
So, these four are the best we could find?
To their fate GOPasaurs are resigned
"2012 is a bust
In four years we just must
Get our candidates better aligned."
While this seems like great news for "our side"
Please think twice before getting too snide.
Get complacent? No way!
'Til that November day
We've no reason to bask in our pride.
While Rush Limbaugh keeps spewing his bile
In his vicious, misogynist style
Advertisers are gone
Still the beast blathers on
But the Left is now wearing a smile.
Women voters will not soon forget
(And the GOP hasn't learned yet)
That no fury hath Hell
Like the women they tell
"You're a slut!" (This mis-step they'll regret!)
4:24 PM PT: Well, this is so exciting... Gingrich declared the winner in Georgia; and in Virginia...
Romney claimed a predictable win.
So he's sporting that flip-floppy grin
When you're one of two guys
And you win - big surprise.
But I'm sure we'll be hearing some spin.
4:36 PM PT: Well, Ohio is too close to call
Votes are counted, but just some, not all
Guess these pundits must wait
Even stay up real late
(Maybe shop for a bit at the mall?)
4:54 PM PT: Now Vermont's known for beautiful trees
So Mitt Romney wins there, in a breeze
Though New Hampshire's his home
Through Green Mountains he'll roam
But before the political freeze.
5:20 PM PT: Oklahoma polls closed, now we hear
That Santorum will win, so it's clear:
One state won't go to Mitt
(But Santorum won't quit)
The GOPocalypse feels really near.
5:32 PM PT: Tennessee shows St. Rick in the lead
But more voting results they will need
Before someone declares
He's the winner and shares
In the limelight on which they all feed.
7:13 PM PT: I don't mean to complain or to kvetch
But that Romney speech just made me retch
It's so vile to hear
Something that insincere
Like an illness I don't want to catch.
7:18 PM PT: North Dakota looks likely for Rick
These results must be making Mitt sick
Or perhaps what we see
Is "hilarity"
Telling Mitt "whoa, slow down! Not so quick!!"
7:48 PM PT: In Wyoming, the voters have said
That Mitt Romney is quite far ahead
He's still down in the mouth
For he can't win the South
But at least he's been beating the spread.
7:56 PM PT: Looks like Romney will take Idaho
What's the Western appeal? I don't know
But I think he'd prefer
If those voters defer
So he could finally take Ohio.
8:27 PM PT: In Ohio, we still do not know
Who will win, who will place, who will show
So it's down to the wire
And it's fair to inquire
How much longer can this circus go??
Wed Mar 07, 2012 at 6:17 AM PT: Far away, in Alaska's cold clime
It seems Romney's the winner this time
Where the winter snows drift
And the Palins still grift
And the northern lights look just sublime.
Wed Mar 07, 2012 at 6:20 AM PT: In Ohio, it's Romney at last
As they counted the votes that were cast
But don't be too surprised
When it's all analyzed
If Santorum had more votes amassed...
(just sayin...)
Wed Mar 07, 2012 at 8:57 AM PT: So the totals are in; voting's done
Mitt won six; Rick won three, Newt won one
But alas for Ron Paul
He won nothing at all
So it's clear: he's in this for his son.