Aw, gee whiz, where will I ever find an incredibly boring white guy in the Republican Party? (Jim Young/Reuters)
Remember how the whole world laughed and laughed (and laughed and then laughed some more) at just how bad John McCain's pick for vice president was? Like, if Saturday Night Live
had created the character of Sarah Palin The Running MateTM
, people would have switched off their TVs, saying, "Come on, now, that's just over the top."
Well, here's some excellent news for John McCain: Mitt Romney is going to try like H-E-double-hockey-sticks to avoid making that historically (and comically, if you're a Democrat) bad decision. In fact, not choosing Dan Quayle in a skirt is one of the major keys to Romney's strategy, according to Mike Allen and Jim Vandehei at Politico:
One Republican official familiar with the campaign’s thinking said it will be designed to produce a pick who is safe and, by design, unexciting – a deliberate anti-Palin. The prized pick, said this official: an “incredibly boring white guy.”
It's too bad Mitt Romney can't put himself on the ticket, because he sure fits the bill perfectly. Oh well. They'll just have to find another incredibly boring white guy; in the Republican Party, this should be about as hard as shooting fish in a barrel. Some ideas so far:
“If not [Sen. Rob] Portman [R-Ohio], [former Minnesota governor Tim] Pawlenty, [Indiana governor Mitch] Daniels — some other incredibly boring white guy,” the official said. “If there was a fourth name on the list, it’s [Virginia Gov.] Bob McDonnell.”
But you lady Republicans need not apply, no matter how boring and white you are, because if there's one thing Republicans learned from the McCain debacle, it's that damn broads ruin everything. They tried the Republican Grrl Power thing once, and boy was that a disaster, so from now on, no ovaries allowed.
Here's some more excellent news for John McCain. Team Mitt didn't just learn to avoid making McCain's mistakes when it comes to picking a vice president:
Mitt Romney and his top aides are building a strategy, partly by design and partly because of circumstance, around what they consider John McCain’s disastrously run campaign in 2008.
The strategy: whatever McCain did, do the opposite.
Congratulations, John, you're now the the official poster child for how to fuck up a shit sandwich in the Republican Party. Romney—the guy you beat for the nomination in 2008 because he was even worse than you as a candidate—is studying you for how not
to run for president. You were that bad
, and Romney will be sure to be absolutely nothing like you in this election. Not that he won't gladly take your endorsement and your willingness to campaign for him, despite your quite noted disdain of him in 2008. He's not that
Of course, Team Mitt can try hard to not be like McCain in every way: be boring where he was spontaneous; raise a gazillion dollars, where he sucked at fundraising; try not to look like a flaming moron about the economy; try not to put a flaming moron on the ticket. But given that Mitt Romney's team is already a constant disaster machine, it seems there's one fate Romney is destined to share with McCain: losing the election to Barack Obama.