After the second plane slammed into the second tower, it became eminently clear to anyone with a brain what was happening.
We could debate the finer points all day, but the bottom line is this: They came here and killed as many of us as they could, and scarred us forever, because they hated us.
And, predictably, many of us - a GREAT many of us, responded with hatred. I was as guilty of it as anyone. I mean, no, I didn't go out and beat a turban wearing Sikh to death, nor did I ostracize my fellow Americans of Arab descent or Islamic faith, but I sure felt plenty of hatred.
Blind, white-hot, unthinking rage.
They came to our home and killed us.
I wanted to do the same. I wanted to go to their home and kill them.
"Shrink, I want to kill. I mean, I wanna, I wanna kill. Kill. I wanna, I wanna see, I wanna see blood and gore and guts and veins in my teeth. Eat dead burnt bodies. I mean kill, Kill, KILL, KILL." And I started jumpin up and down yelling, "KILL, KILL," and he started jumpin up and down with me and we was both jumping up and down yelling, "KILL, KILL." And the sargent came over, pinned a medal on me, sent me down the hall, said, "You're our boy."
I remember later, I think it was the same day, the Northern Alliance began shelling the Taliban....or was it the other way around?.....and I, like a few other people I know, initially thought it was US doing it. I thought the retaliation was underway.
And when I found out that wasn't the case, I was bitterly, bitterly disappointed.
America's vengeance - MY vengeance - had not yet begun.
I was disappointed to learn that we had not yet begun the killing. I was going to have to wait.
I was going to have to wait for a man I despised to lead the killing I craved, that I wanted and needed.
I got over it. I went through it. THROUGH is the operative word. I guess I don't need to tell you what I saw after the rage subsided. We all saw it.
We saw a necessary military action badly botched and turned into a quagmire from which we are still trying to extricate ourselves from.
We saw that rage fuel a completely unnecessary war based on lies.
And, in many, many instances, we saw ourselves turn on each other. And we are still seeing it.
It all started with hatred. Hatred breeds one thing and one thing only: more hatred.
I have no excuse - none - not to know this.
Yesterday, it got me. Bad. Way, way bad.
Read these words. I'm sure everyone here will agree that this is hate speech. This is a license to judge others, to oppress others, to hurt them, and in some instances, even to kill them:
"4. We believe that God created the world in six days; that He created Man (human beings) in his own image as male and female; that he ordained marriage as only between one man (born a male) and one woman (born a female); and that all other sexual relationships and unions other than marriage between a man and a woman are contrary to God's Word and will."
It is hatred. I condemn it with every fiber of my being.
It may be wearing pretty clothes, it may have hymns sung around it, it may be cloaked in pretty words and the language of love, but it is hatred. Beliefs such as these give license for people to oppress and hurt other people. I have seen it all my life.
How far from that to this?
But it's always been, "those people over there, and me and mine over here"......until very recently.
I now have a personal connection to this. It is inseverable. I can no longer completely dissociate myself from anyone and everyone who thinks and believes this way.
That is a fact. I cannot change it.
And I hate it.
I HATE it. I. FUCKING. HATE. IT. DO YOU HEAR ME?
CAN YOU NOT HEAR ME SCREAM?
Yesterday, that hatred utterly consumed me. I became enraged. Completely blind with rage, even beyond what I felt in the days that followed September 11, 2001. A betrayal of this magnitude......
The dark side won yesterday, and it cannot, CANNOT happen again. Because when it does, innocent people suffer. People who love me and look up to me suffer.
I lost a battle. But I have not lost the war.
I am still the same man I have always been. And if others have changed (did they really, though?) I cannot, must not let it change me.
I know better than this. I know that hate breeds hate. I have always, ALWAYS taken a stand against it.
But I am human. I am a deeply flawed individual, and I must....I must.....what?
What must I do?
I know what NOT to do. I have to find a way to not do it anyway.
I'm a hazard to myself.
How can I learn to never, never respond to hate with hate?
I must learn this, because if I don't get a handle on it damned quickly, I'm going to destroy myself.
Yesterday, hate won. Hate won, and I lost.
Forget like a child any injury done by somebody immediately. Never keep it in the heart. It kindles hatred.
Swami Sivananda
It ain't gonna happen again. God will not let it. And right now, God is punishing me for my miserable, inexcusable failure, and I assure you, I am taking my lumps like the man I am.
"You told me, 'God made the World.'"
"No, no!" Harshaw said hastily. "I told you that, while all these many religions said many things, most of them said, 'God made the World.' I told you that I did not grok the fullness, but that 'God' was the word that was used."
"Yes, Jubal," Mike agreed. "Word is 'God'" He added. "You grok."
"No, I must admit I don't grok."
"You grok," Smith repeated firmly. "I am explain. I did not have the word. You grok. Anne groks. I grok. The grass under my feet groks in happy beauty. But I needed the word. The word is God."
Jubal shook his head to clear it. "Go ahead."
Mike pointed triumphantly at Jubal. "Thou art God!"
Jubal slapped a hand to his face. "Oh, Jesus H. — What have I done? Look, Mike, take it easy! Simmer down! You didn't understand me. I'm sorry. I'm very sorry! Just forget what I've been saying and we'll start over again on another day. But — "
"Thou art God," Mike repeated serenely. "That which groks. Anne is God. I am God. The happy grass are God, Jill groks in beauty always. Jill is God. All shaping and making and creating together — ." He croaked something in Martian and smiled.
This is my home. If you are reading this, the chances are very good that I consider you family, in a sense. Perhaps you clicked through thinking, "What's up this jerk's ass this time?" Maybe you don't like me, but I bet you don't HATE me.
I hope you don't.
Don't hate me, 'cuz you ain't me.
Ain't no time to hate.
As a side note, it's my understanding that someone who I've always disliked rather intensely was banned from here yesterday. I know how that feels, as you know. I don't wish it upon that person. Not in any sense. I hope what's broken can be fixed. Waking up this morning, on discovering that, I want to state for the record that I took no joy in that whatever. Another time, I might have.....but especially not after what I put myself and others through yesterday.