Republican Analyst Dan Palmquist was pronounced dead Monday by Lakedale Police, outside the headquarters of the conservative think tank for which he worked. The cause of death was registered as “Hurled from Building.” A Lakedale Homicidal Unit agent noted, “It appears he was held under the arm pits by two people, and another holding the legs. It was probably a case of one of them saying, ‘One… Two… Three,’ before they swung him over the edge, like they do at swimming pools. Only this was on the roof there at 1243 East Hollister.”
Asked what topics Palmquist covered in his work as an analyst, his boss, Jake Mueller said, “really everything. No particular focus. He’d been doing pretty much the same thing for the last thirty four years.” When pressed as to whether there had been any change in his work, he said, no. “Nothing inflammatory. The one thing that changed was, Danny started to hang around scientists, and to quote them more. He started to include more charts and graphs, and to draw direct conclusions from the data based on logic, without regard to ideology. I suppose it was a bit edgy, hanging out with that crowd. Maybe that didn’t go over well with some readers.”
Mueller insisted the incident would not cause his institution to alter its approach and standards in any way. However, when asked whether the pending 200 page opus on health care authored by the full office staff would be published on time, he walked into a ficus, reportedly mumbling about tweaks.
Eagle Breath