Three-Way GOP Race: Santorum, Gingrich, and Cain. (Mid-March)
The Republican field experienced quite a lot of instability last month. There will be no clear winner by the time the GOP convention rolls into Tampa Bay, Florida in August. The expected nominee, Mitt Romney, recently dropped out after several unpredicted scandals. The new front runners are Rick Santorum, Newt Gingrich, and Herman Cain. As of this writing, Santorum leads with 467 delegates, and is trailed by Southerners Gingrich and Cain who each have 156 delegates. All the candidates had blunders last month that will seriously hurt their chances of defeating Barack Obama in November.
Romney withdrew from the race after the fourth sexual assault accuser emerged. This victim claimed, “The governor raped me in my office when I was an intern for the governor. He promised me birth control benefits and paid me $400,000 to keep quiet and not press charges.” This was the final blow for the Romney campaign. Many pundits had thought the public disclosure of Romney’s affair with Callista Gingrich would be the final blow. (Candidate Romney had maintained for weeks that it was just a coincidence that he and Mrs. Gingrich had the same hair dresser who scheduled their coifs for the same time.) Others thought Romney’s indictment for maintaining numerous undeclared foreign bank accounts would be the final blow. On March 16th, weeks after pundits predicted his withdrawal, Romney said, “I could not do those things because I am running for President, but I need to withdraw because I have lied to the American people, and, more importantly, I will need to spend time selecting the best lawyers to defend me in court.”
Out of all the candidates, Newt Gingrich had the most tumultuous month. After divorcing his wife after the Romney-Callista Gingrich affair emerged, he revealed that he had been having an affair for the past two decades. He offered to marry his mistress, Bristol Palin. She agreed, and the wedding is supposed to take place in about one week. People speculate that Bristol Palin’s first child (unsurprisingly given an amphibian-like name of Salaman) is actually a child of the former speaker. Within days of these scandals emerging, Gingrich made a strong comeback by winning a landslide victory in Louisiana. That victory proved people were willing to overlook personal infidelity for candidates who are decisive and unambiguous about their desires. After his victory, Gingrich hosted a traditional marriage rally and flew to Greece for a several week vacation. In a memo to press he stated, “I will be gone to enjoy a country where the dollar is strong because they followed my austerity advice, shredded their safety net and plunged their society into cataclysmic economic turbulence. Besides, I need some time to relax. A relaxed president is a good president.”
Herman Cain entered the race hours after Romney dropped out. People are still unsure why he entered the race. In his speech he said, “I suspended my campaign. I did not end my campaign. Therefore, I can still run. Vote for Herman Cain.” After he announced his candidacy on March 19th, he campaigned in Illinois and won by 15 points. Even by the roller coaster unpredictability standards of this race, people were shocked considering he only had one day to campaign. Herman Cain then set out for California the following day. When asked why he was campaigning in California, he asked, “Isn’t the primary on March 24th? I want to get a head start.” When reporters corrected him, he altered his plans, “oops! Guess I need to go to Louisiana. Thank you for telling about this change in primary dates.”
Compared to the other candidates, the current front-runner, Rick Santorum, has been “Mr. Predictability”. In his most recent speech he praised the virtues of state-mandated misogyny and declared himself the GOP nominee. As his first act, he chose Michele Bachmann as his running mate. He claimed, “She is an experienced member of Congress, and we both are from the Midwest. In addition, she promised to always wear a nun’s habit for me.” Opponents of this move have called it “arrogant” and “stupid”. Michelle Bachmann said, “This is quite an honor. I look good in black. Thanks, Rick!” Out of all the candidates, Rick Santorum’s actions the past month have been “impeccable” according to Fox News Analyst, Sean Hannity.
Unfortunately, it does not appear that the raucousness of recent events will subside anytime soon. Sarah Palin challenged Michele Bachmann to a mud-wrestling bout where the winner gets the VP nominee slot. Given all the mud that has been thrown to date, experts are predicting a close match. The only comment from the White House was a request for a best 4 out of 7 bouts over a three-month period.