Dear Romney Campaign,
I’m writing to apply for the position of Heckler. When I heard you had deployed Hecklers to Obama campaign events, I was thrilled. I thought, boy, this is a remarkable convergence of circumstances: my being alive at this juncture, with such a unique blend of experience, skills, and drive, and your campaign’s bold decision to embrace such a manly campaign tactic.
I have been described over the course of my career as “offensive,” “pushy,” and “rude.” On multiple occasions, my parents quoted these adjectives to me from my elementary school report cards. At those times, when my parents would ask what I thought of that, I would shrug. During the awkward silences that ensued, I learned later, we would both ruminate about why I was put on this Earth.
With such consistency of character over time, you would expect active consequences to manifest themselves as I interacted with the matrix of reality. Indeed they did. One time, in the cafeteria, I lifted a warm Dagwood sandwich from the tray of Sally Quinn and inserted it down the back of Neal Peterson’s shirt. Open faced. His shirt was, of course, tucked in.
Eagle Breath.
I relate this anecdote, not to brag, or to be gratuitous; rather, to demonstrate, a) my willingness to flout the conventions of petite bourgeois morality, and, b) the similarity of my experience, values and outlook to those of the candidate for whom I will ultimately report (though admittedly, through several layers of management).
My life since that incident has been variations on the same theme. I am now 46, and I finally understand what I was sent here for: to answer your call. I know you didn’t literally call me; instead, I’ve written you this letter. Nonetheless, I expect by now you might sense the same electric, aural vibrations that are emanating from me, and connecting with your campaign headquarters like tentacles of an office-desk plasma ball.
I stand at your disposal, a devoted Soldier-in-Waiting. I want you to know that I will remain in training, until I receive word to be deployed at an enemy event. If I am not home, I will most likely be at the strip mall on Eleven Mile and Telegraph, shadowing the charity trawlers in the areas of high foot traffic. I’d like to also note that I have a brand new megaphone (which I have freshly painted red) that I would be willing to use, without requesting reimbursement for wear and tear.
Thank you for this historic opportunity to make this world a better place.
Your Experienced, Skilled and Driven Soldier,
Karl Hornbach, Jr.
Eagle Breath.