I wrote a short summary of my request for a tubal ligation. I wrote it because I want it to be kept in my medical file.
My tubal consult is tomorrow, and I will be pretty blatant and brutally honest with the doctor. I was told she is in her mid-twenties, is understanding and listens to her patients. I am hoping she won't refuse just because of my age. Here's the summary I wrote:
“I do not want kids.” That’s my only want after being pregnant two times. The first time I got pregnant, it was the result of a rape by a former boyfriend. I had an abortion at 12 weeks because I was 17, scared as hell, and didn’t want to go through the trouble again of attempting to report the second rape of my life. I never wanted kids. I have always despised the idea of being a mother or a parent. When I was 8, my mother explained to me how babies come to be, without the details on how the baby gets in there in the first place. Since then, I have vowed that I never want to be a mom. It has been 12 years, and my mind hasn’t changed. In fact, my want of never being a parent has increased. When I was 20, I ended up getting pregnant after using protection. I planned on having an abortion, but didn’t come up with the money fast enough. I started considering adoption due to increased abuse I endured from the biological father. I already did not want to be pregnant but I had to face my fears. I hoped that going through the pregnancy would somehow ease my tokophobia, but it only made it worse. By the time I was 6 months along, I left the abusive relationship and started dealing with the emotional and mental turmoil on my own. I had considered suicide numerous times, I have thought about what would happen if I took a bunch of pills, or hung myself, but I didn’t want to end my life so I tried to squeeze out a smile and bury the pain. I started working with an adoption agency and sure, it was great to have someone to turn to, but the problem was that they only really cared about the baby, not me. I was the walking incubator. I started feeling isolated because my fears were becoming reality. I didn’t want to be viewed as some breeder, as some person who didn’t matter except for what’s on the inside of my uterus. I started being more alone and only went anywhere when I had doctor appointments. Mentally, I was crumbling. I was alone, terrified, and it just got worse as my pregnancy went on. After the adoption placement, my mental health didn’t improve. In fact, it got much, much worse. I finally sought psychiatric help after having numerous mental breakdowns and contemplating suicide. I was diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Major Depressive Disorder, an Anxiety disorder and a Panic disorder which were all related to the pregnancy. On top of having tokophobia, I have developed pedophobia. I am now not only terrified of pregnancy and childbirth, I am now terrified of babies and kids. I am afraid of holding babies; I avoid conversations dealing with pregnancy, I have panic attacks if I hear babies cry, and feel like a trapped animal if I cannot get away fast enough. I am selfish, self-centered, irresponsible, and impatient, I have anger issues and I do not see myself as the motherly type. I don’t possess the motherly instinct genes. I despise pregnancy. I despise babies. I despise kids. I hate dirty diapers, vomit, shit, and constant responsibility for someone else makes me have anxiety attacks through the roof. I like my personal time and I like doing what I want when I want. I like to do things without being interrupted. I get frustrated very easily; I get aggravated at the slightest problem, I get wound up in anger from the slightest personal remark. I have read about Tubal Ligation, the pros and cons of the procedure, and I understand fully that Tubal Ligation is permanent, but is as effective as other birth controls so pregnancy is still possible, though most commonly a tubal pregnancy. I completely understand that I may regret not being able to have children later in life but I am beyond confident that I will not regret not being pregnant ever again. I have been working with my therapist for over a year regarding this decision to make sure this is what I want and I have been thinking about this constantly and have decided that Tubal Ligation would be the best option for me. Sincerely, Sasha
Some background on my body: I have tried all the hormones out there, and my body seems to hate me for it. I have tried estrogen-only birth control, progesterone-only, and combination birth control- all seem to react badly with my body(blood clots, worsening depression, extreme weight gain, etc). I am also allergic to latex and spermicides, and most metals(IUDs are out of the question for that obviously), so really my two only options at this point are using abortion as birth control(which I do not want to even think about) or tubal ligation. Please wish me luck, everyone!