15 Years, and counting. That's how long I've officially been a nonsmoker, after a habit that, at its worst, was 2 packs/day for about 7 years.
I won't say that's when I quit. I quit just this past week. I've quit smoking probably 20,000 times - each and every time I had a craving, and didn't give into it. The difference now, after 15 years, is that I might get a single moment's craving maybe once every two years, and for the demon to rear its ugly head, the planets practically hafta align. This past week, I was stressed out over complications with my unemployment, and the bills, and other life stuff. My kid was away with her dad, and I was missing her. Then, a buddy came by one night with a couple of six packs to blow off his own steam about his upcoming divorce, and we were sitting out on the deck, talking about how he can buffer and protect his kids and himself, and he lit up.
And that's all it took. One whiff that inexplicably smells good instead of bad, and ...ding! For one instant, I felt that pull again.
It made me stop and think. The trigger was probably the combination of drinking a beer instead of wine, probably the stress, and the fact my kid wouldn't have caught me (freedom!), and having someone light up in my presence. The resistance that I pulled in to boost my will power was: I know - I absolutely KNOW - that if I have one single molecule of nicotine enter my system, I'm back at DAY 1 all over again. That's how it works for me and my body. That secondhand smoke triggered me. Quitting for good was so fucking hard that I never want to go through that again. I keep two foul, dried up, old unopened packs of my brand that have sat in my freezer for years... my talisman and my last line of defense is that if I'm ever going to break my winning streak, they are what I hafta tap. Gross, huh? Exactly. So not worth it.
The first month I really stopped smoking, I'd get those dings so much you'd think I was in a bell choir. Must've been ten thousand of them, all day every day, for the first 4 weeks. I wasn't using a patch, or gum, or anything, because I'd convinced myself that the nicotine addiction was what I really wanted to break, that I'd have to feel it in order to know when I didn't feel it... the physical addiction. The miracle was that suddenly after toughing it out and not slipping even once, it was like my physical addiction fell off a cliff, and, while it bounced on a ledge or two on the way down, it was gone. Really gone.
Unfortunately, about 3 months later, I slipped, got drunk and bummed two cigarettes off a friend when we were out on a pub crawl, and the next morning when I woke up feeling like death itself, I was back on Day 1 again. The next 3 weeks were pure unadulterated hell, all day, every day, until I'd stomped that demon back down off the cliff again. I have never been so pissed off at myself. Ever single time I felt a craving then, I said to myself - this is because of ONE night, ONE. Are you ever going to do this to yourself again? Was it worth it??
No.
The second time I screwed up, it was during my divorce. And pretty much the same scenario, blowing off steam, judgement impaired, out with friends who smoke.. all the same, all over again. At the time, I was the only nonsmoker int he group of friends who I got together with most often. That slip up was exactly the same scenario, and the very real and fresh memory of reliving Day 1 all over again stopped me for that entire year after my divorce of even looking at a cigarette. They'd marvel at my will power.. how could I not, when everyone around me was?
Because I do believe it when people say it's more addictive than heroine. Because the physical urge is still there, climbing slowly back up that cliff towards me, when I'm not expecting it. I watched over the years, as the ding would suddenly happen, out of the blue, after 3 months, then after 6 months, then after a year... the longer I go without giving in, the longer it takes before it comes back. But it does come back. And if I feel that ding, I hafta resist it, and I hafta be careful about it for the following week.
The last time I had a single drag was 2003.
The behavioral parts seemed easier to me, I suppose because they'd happened gradually as I was getting ready to finally be smoke-free: when I'd bought a real new car, with new car smell, I stopped smoking in the car. Not just "crack the window, don't use an ashtray"... ALL smoking in the car. I switched brands and packs 4 times, going lighter and lighter (and less and less satisfying) until I'd tapered off to almost nothing. I stopped smoking at work entirely when I changed jobs - so I wasn't in with the "smoke break" crew. In the evening, I switched to trying out various wines (to appreciate the taste) instead of the beer that had been my staple during college. This had an added benefit, I found I really enjoy wines, it became a hobby and a new social activity, to develop my (newly sensitive) palate. I lived alone, but I made a rule that there was no smoking in my own house.. and if I'd smoked while I was out, I'd strip as soon as I got in the door, leave my clothes in the washer, and shower to get the smell out of my hair before I'd let my head touch the pillow. Extreme? Yes, but I never woke up with a craving after that... I didn't start the day needing to light up, so then I could push back my worst cravings until after lunch. Then dinner.
All of that did not make my first Day 1 a single bit easier physically. But when you've set up your life to be that of a nonsmoker, it is a support and a kindness you do yourself.
The rewards I used to give up smoking for good are still rewards in my life, and yes, after the ding! this week? I earned the box of Crest Whitestrips I'm pulling out of my medicine cabinet (I bought them with a coupon when they were on sale - these suckers are expensive!!!). I'm also going to treat myself to an at-home spa day, a deep breathing meditation, and the boyfriend and I have a night in the hot tub planned... all smoke-free, healthy, and fun ways of de-stressing. I had to ask my friend the other night how much a pack of cigarettes costs these days (HOLY FLYING HELL AYFKM??? $8???) because the minute I felt that craving, I knew the price of the pack I'm not going to buy is getting put into our Disney Trip Jar. IF I have any cravings over the next few weeks? The Disney Jar will be fed, the craving won't. I want to live long enough to be in the pictures with my great grandchildren in front of Cinderella's Castle.
In the 15 years since I stopped smoking, life has had it's twists and turns, but I've found that my reasons for being a nonsmoker have only grown... at first, I just wanted to be healthier: I didn't like the habit, I knew it was stupid, expensive and dirty; I also had lost family members to cancer, and I hated the tobacco companies. But then, I went to culinary school, and that opened up my taste buds to a whole new world of fresh herbs, new flavors, and artistic expression... why would I dare let anything dull my palate now that I have discovered my art? It would be like a painter putting on Vaseline-coated goggles before he began painting. Later, my daughter came along, and of course the idea of anything as harmful as secondhand smoke around her tiny baby lungs was enough to send me into Mama Bear Overprotective Apoplexy. If I smell smoke blowing at us from a nearby car at a traffic light, I still find myself throwing the driver a hairy eyeball, and my "baby" is now eleven years old.
Finally, I feel the difference, and I like it. The times I slipped I noticed my body felt horrible for days afterwards - not just hungover from a night out partying, but physically, I felt worse than my usual self. My skin is much better hydrated than when I smoked, and I think the years have taken a lower toll on my face (then again, SPF 70 is my best friend). I know I sleep better. I know I breathe better. I've gotten to the point where I can't believe I ever willingly lit a cigarette to begin with, and given that first time was when I was 13, and I finally quit for good at 29? Damn, but that was far too many years to try to "undo". I still worry about cancer, heart disease, and paying the piper for what I did to myself when I was young, dumb, and "immortal". 99.999% of the time, the smell of cigarette smoke now disgusts me. When I come home from being with friends who are smokers, I still find myself stripping in front of the washing machine - smoke-filled clothes bypass the hamper entirely - and taking a shower before going to bed, because I still can't stand the smell in my hair.
And if my child ever touches a cigarette, I'll make the punishment so fucking harsh, so absolutely unbearable, that she will run sobbing away from pictures of cigarettes.
Edit: Just wanted to say thanks for the Rescue and the Community Spotlight. :)