Speaker of the House, John Boehner (R-OH MY GOD) just left the podium after giving remarks to the press, concerning talks he's had with his "colleagues" in the U.S. House about the current government crises.
Using a state-of-the-art Android app, which bases its output on skin-tone, breathing irregularities and rectal temperature, we have translated his remarks for the viewers, below:
"Our leadership team met with our members today"
Translation:
"Uh, it's chaos. There, I said it."
"Trying to find a way forward in a bipartisan way."
Translation:
"Screw the Democrats, I can't even get MY people to listen to me any more."
"There are a lot of opinions about what direction to go,"
Translation:
"Um, not only aren't our ducks in a row, we've apparently misplaced the ducks."
"There have been no decisions about what exactly we will do."
Translation:
"I have not yet been informed of my position on this matter."
"But we're gonna continue to work with our members on both sides of the aisle"
Translation:
"Well, we've locked the Democratic caucus in the House gym and seated the GOP on both sides of the aisle, so I could say this with a straight face."
To try to make sure that there's no issue of default, and to get our government reopened."
Translation:
"I resign my speakership, effective immediately."
Hat-tip to
Meri at TPM for the "I have not yet been informed of my position on this matter." line, which inspired this diary.