From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE…
Late Night Snark: Republicans are A-holes Edition
"The government shutdown is going to slash the budget for food inspection. That's bad news for health advocates, but great news for the new Japanese restaurant: Leap of Faith Sushi."
---Conan O'Brien
Best graphic of the week.
(via Americans United for Change)
"People are saying now that before the government shutdown congressmen went out and got drunk, celebrating that they had shut down the government. This is the kind of thing that could damage their 10 percent approval rating."
---David Letterman
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"I want the names of the idiots who elected these people."
---Jimmy Kimmel
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"At least here in America, crucial agencies like the U.S. Border Patrol are still on the job. That's a good thing. The last thing we need is an influx of Canadians, with their politeness and a government that's open every day."
---Craig Ferguson
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"How to end the government shutdown: I think if you hold down Texas and Maine at the same time, it automatically reboots."
---Stephen Colbert
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"If it turns out that President Obama can make a deal with the most intransigent, hard-line, unreasonable totalitarian mullahs in the world, but not with Republicans, maybe he's not the problem."
---Jon Stewart
And...
"Texas Senator Ted Cruz gave a 21-hour speech on the floor of the Senate during which he read Dr. Seuss's Green Eggs and Ham, did an impression of Darth Vader, and admitted his love for White Castle. I'm not sure what Cruz's speech was arguing for, but I'm guessing legalizing weed."
---Seth Meyers
Lord knows he could use a good toke. Your west coast-friendly edition of Cheers and Jeers starts below the fold... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
Cheers and Jeers for Friday, October 4, 2013
Note: Cheers and Jeers will not appear here on Monday as we will be at a combination Amway/twerking convention. Back Tuesday, possibly speechless. (Also: no tip jar this evening as we're on the road. Whoever posts FIRST [Frist?] wins a free upgrade on my Ponzi scheme ladder as soon as your check clears. Congrats!)
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6 days!!!
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By the Numbers:
Days 'til
The Hobbit 2---Hobbit Harder:
70
Days 'til the
Trailing of the Sheep Festival in Hailey and Ketchum, Idaho:
6
Decrease since 2001 in the number of new HIV infections among children:
52%
Decline in overall AIDS-related deaths since their peak in 2005:
30%
(Source: U.N. HIV Progress Report via Time)
Number of Mainers who are expected to buy health insurance through the ACA exchange:
65,000 to 104,000
(Source: Maine Bureau of Insurance)
Percent chance that a Ku Klux Klan rally scheduled for Gettysburg National Military Park was canceled because of the government shutdown:
100%
(Source:
USA Today)
Age of
Elinor Otto, who still goes to work as a riveter after starting during World War II:
93
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Puppy Pic of the Day: Another federal bailout??? That's tyranny, I tell you!!!
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CHEERS to a healthy reception. As "The Nation's Newspaper," USA Today is, according to the Constitution (read it!), judge and jury on anything that matters. Like, say, the rollout of the Affordable Care Act, aka Obamacare, aka "I'm Republican and I hate Obamacare but I love the Affordable Care Act." There's been a lot of ink spilled this week over the technical glitches, and critics are smugly predicting doom for the program. Are they right? Let's take a deep breath and see whether USA Today's thumb is up or down:
The GOP's suggested replacement
for the Affordable Care Act.
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To start with, 2.8 million people crashing a site on Day One is considered a high-class problem. "It shows they've hit the target,'' says venture capitalist David Jones, ex-chairman of health insurer Humana. "It's obvious.'' … "Every Internet company on the planet has had trouble scaling,'' says Ed Park, chief operating officer of Athenahealth, a Web-based processor of health-insurance reimbursements, whose brother Todd is the Obama administration's chief technology officer. "It happens to Twitter, to Amazon, Apple and Facebook.'' … For Healthcare.gov, the fundamentals are well-priced insurance, clearly explained. And they're in place.
And for House Republicans, the fundamentals are poorly-targeted tantrums, venomously explained. And they're in denial.
CHEERS to the rumble in the republic. Texas state Senator Wendy Davis kicked off her campaign to be Texas's next governor (and the first sane one since Ann Richards) yesterday. Here's a preview of coming attractions:
Underestimate her at your peril, GOP.
GOP candidate Gregg Abbott: Why, hello there, little lady. Don’t you know that Texas politics is a rough and tumble endeavor? Why, a delicate little rose like you should know that you can't take on the menfolk in the mighty 'publican pawty. Why, you might get your hair mussed up and I would hate to… [Poink!] Ow---I'm bleedin'!!! Damn, woman, that is a mighty big, I say that is a mighty big thorn you're packin'.
And that was just a warning poink. Wait 'til she brings out the knives.
CHEERS to Quayle hunting. Twenty-five years ago tomorrow, in 1988, Democrat Lloyd Bentsen opened a can of whupass on Dan Quayle during their vice-presidential debate:
"Senator, I served with Jack Kennedy, I knew Jack Kennedy, Jack Kennedy was a friend of mine. Senator, you're no Jack Kennedy."
ka-BOOM. It was one of the great zingers in campaign lore, and today it's a staple of debate-highlight montages. Four years later, of course, came the famous
potato"e" gaffe, thus proving Quayle wasn't a very smart vice president. But he was a terrific warm-up act for George W. Bush.
CHEERS to a picture that's worth a thousand words 800,000 layoffs and 300 million wasted dollars a day. Time magazine's cover this week:
That's a problem. We should fix it. Vote Democrat.
CHEERS to being ready for your closeup. Two years ago today, while dissecting the Occupy Wall Street Movement, one of our favorite Kossacks got some face-time on The Daily Show:
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Clip of Jesse LaGreca (aka MinistryOfTruth) speaking to Fox News in Zucotti Park: After thirty years of having our living standards decreased while the wealthiest one percent have had it better than ever, I think it's time for maybe, I dunno, some participation in our democracy.
Jon Stewart: "Daaaamn! That motherfucker brought game!"
Studio audience: Whooooo!!! Whooooooo!!!
Stewart: Y'know what he said? "Whazzup, tea party! I'll see your tri-corner hat and raise you a Union-soldier kepi!"
A star was born.
CHEERS to sacrificing for the common good. On tomorrow's date in 1947, Harry Truman became the first president to use TV to address the nation. He requested that Americans not eat beef on Tuesdays, poultry on Thursdays, and a slice of bread each day to save on feed grains as a way of helping folks starving in Europe in the wake of World War II. If President Obama tried that today, he'd be accused by the crybaby wing of the GOP of being a Food Nazi trying to starve Grandma of protein and fiber in order to appease whiny foreigners and give an unfair advantage to the arugula growers lobby. I don’t know what's scarier: that I'm such an accurate predictor...or that they're such easy predictees.
CHEERS to home vegetation. To answer your question: no, Alec Baldwin's show on MSNBC doesn’t start tonight---it's next Friday. But HBO's Real Time with Bill Maher is on, featuring Carl Frickin' Reiner and Alan Frickin' Grayson. New DVD releases include the animated The Croods and the "gleefully self-parodying farce" This is the End. The weekend baseball schedule is here and the schedule for the tax-exempt NFL is here. (The Patriots will "de-fang" the Bengals ha ha ha!!!) Miley Cyrus hosts SNL. On 60 Minutes: new footage emerges of the "Black Hawk Down" battle. At 9 O'clock sharp Sunday night: Breaking Bad...withdrawal.
And here's your Sunday morning lineup, now with C&J's exclusive host ZINGERS:
Meet the Press: Sen. Rand Paul (R-KY), who is fast replacing John McCain as the go-to jerkoff for the Sunday morning bookers; Treasury Secretary Jack OOoooOO arrives holding a Pez dispenser filled with Prilosec. Roundtable with Marcia, Mike, Steve and Rich (the Rich who sees starbursts when he thinks of Sarah Palin). David Gregory Zinger: "Is that an Aqua Buddha in your pocket or are ya just happy to see me?"
This Week: Treasury Secretary Jack oooOooo arrives holoding a lavender aromatherapy candle under his nose. Least-powerful politician in Washington John Boehner. George Stephanopoulos Zinger: "Boehner? I hardly know 'er!"
Treasury Sec. Jack Lew hits
the Sunday show quintifecta.
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Face the Nation: Treasury Secretary Jack oOooooOo arrives muttering "15 minutes to Wapner gotta get my underwear at Kmart." Texas senator John Cornyn adds nothing to anything. Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahoo (Really, spellcheck?) rattles his saber; roundtable with Gwen, Jim and John. Bob Schieffer Zinger: "Lottery in June, Cornyn high soon."
Bill Moyers & Company: Rare interview with poet and environmental activist Wendell Barry; Bill invokes Pope Francis in an essay on our shitty economy. Bill Moyers Zinger: "There once was a man from Nantucket…stop me if you've heard this one…"
CNN's State of the Union: Treasury Secretary Jack oOooOo talks with Candy Crowley while stabbing pins into a Ted Cruz doll. (They make Ted Cruz dolls? Really???) Plus: Senator Ted Cruz fidgets in his chair, apparently experiencing some sort of physical discomfort. Candy Crowley Zinger: "I don’t know, but Alaska!"
Fox GOP Talking Points Sunday: The GOP civil war is hashed out by Rep Pete King (R-NY) for the Union and Rep Tom Graves (R-GA) for the confederacy. Treasury secretary Jack ooOOOoo arrives on the set with his hair on fire. Roundtable with Brit, Kimberly, Evan and Juan. Chris Wallace Zinger: "So the rabbi says, 'Because the priest just jumped out of the plane with my backpack!"
Happy viewing!
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Five years ago in C&J: October 4, 2008
CHEERS to early voting. Apparently mailing an absentee ballot or going to the polls before Election Day (if your state allows it) can be good for your heart:
After crunching traffic fatality numbers, researchers discovered that Americans were about 18 percent more likely to die in accidents during polling hours on presidential election days than on other Tuesdays. The increased risk is greater than it is on New Year's Eve or Super Bowl Sunday, the Canadian researchers added.
So if you must vote on November 4th, be safe: take your blimp instead.
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And just one more…
CHEERS to brewing a cauldron of hilarity. Can't let today go by without noting that this is the three-year anniversary of the day Republican tea party candidate Christine O'Donnell released an ad for her U.S. Senate run in Delaware with the most bizarre opening line of the 2010 election (or maybe any other, for that matter): "I'm not a witch!"
And yet, in an election year that saw a tidal wave of tea partiers swept into power, she managed to lose to a liberal Democrat in a blowout of epic proportions. She may not have been a witch, but that was still a neat trick.
Have a great weekend! Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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