Just in time for Christmas! Dear New Parent, We all know caring for a child can be difficult, especially in our modern world. So many things to remember, so many new responsibilities, so many cool places you can't hang with your friends anymore. It's clear that parenting today is much more difficult than it was for our parent's generation, who had so little outside enjoyment in their lives. Welcome to KinderKool! It is our mission to provide practical solutions for the specific needs of today's Yipster parent. In this catalogue you will find common-sense products that can help you solve the epic parenting challenges you will face without missing a single spoken word open mic night. We at Kinderkool are dedicated to giving you the tools you need to selflessly care for your new, tiny roommate, while helping you maintain the young, upwardly mobile hipster lifestyle you have no intention of giving up anyway.
1. The Dura-Diaper
We've all been there: You're entertaining some recently hit-it-rich web genius/bass player in your condo, listening to Mumford & Sons, pitching your brilliant idea for a killer app over some Thai linguine from that new place they like so much. And just as you bring out the green tea ice cream your youngest offspring waddles in to the room packing a full, drippy, stinky load. A moment after the sight hits your eyes, the smell assaults your nose, and by the ripple of revulsion that passes over the web genius' face, you know the deal is shot. Stinky baby needs a-changing, so you can kiss that bio-diesel art car buying IPO goodbye.
Well those days are gone with the Dura-Diaper!
Finally, poopy pants enter the 21st Century!
Dura-Diaper is a stainless steel tub, not unlike a large salad bowl, but unlike a salad when you toss these contents it will be into the trash! Two leg holes, rubber pant legs, and a plastic odor trapping lid make Dura-Diaper the perfect long-term diaper choice for the Yipster parents on the go. And not only does it contain any of babies nastier emissions, the wide bowl keeps the young-uns from tipping over. How's that for a safety feature?
Cool in the summer, warm in the winter - just add moisturizer, disinfectant, and you're ready for a change free week! And with our mobile app you'll get a discrete text message with junior is prematurely running in a full tank.
Or ask about our special in-tub composting kit. (worms extra)
So dump the diapers service, and quit worrying about the "Oh, you have a baby" wrinkle of the nose when you invite Mr. Open Source Millionaire to your condo! The mess and odors are trapped, and that plaid, vintage Beemer with the hand-knit hood ornament is on its way - thanks to Dura-Diaper!
2. Baby Roll Over
You're asleep. Good dream. The one about owning an internet burlesque nightclub in Istanbul.
Then, WAAAAH!
So now you're awake, and why? To turn the baby over.
That's all.
They're too weak to do it themselves, so you have to get up and do it, regardless of your dream.
This is 2014, damn it! Is that the best we can do?
Well, as a matter of fact, no, it's not! Not with Baby Roll Over! So simple a child should have thought of it (but they didn't, so we did) Baby Roll Over was inspired by the endless cloth loop we've all unfortunately seen in the archaic public washrooms that don't have air hand dryers yet. And we thought... what if we took this 20th Century technology and put it to 21st Century use? What if we connected that roller to a sound activated motor, and putting that loop of cloth around a baby? And what if that roller gently spun that baby one half revolution every time that baby made a noise?
What if...what if... forget those "what ifs" and sleep easy, 'cause now you have Baby Roll Over! Set for light, medium, or heavy crying, and get back to dreaming of golden tassels and turkish coffee because the modern world - with a little help from an old public bathroom - is taking care of your baby's comfort.
3. Peek-a-boo Mask
Baby games are supposed to be fun, but truth be told they are not very challenging, and for the most part they are not even aerobic (except for Chase the Baby, and even if you win what do you get? A baby. You had one of those already). And the number one baby game has always been Peek-a-Boo. Why? Who knows - it's always going to be your face, even a child should know that. But they don't, so you are stuck revealing your face over and over and over and over...
But any child young enough to be entertained by this inane game will also love the Peek-A-Boo Mask!
Attached to a classic porkpie hat, this pair of lifelike hands open and close at intervals set by you, flashing your face to a child blissfully playing, and blissfully ignorant of the fact that your eyes are closed because your ear buds are in, and you kicking back and listening to that Django Reinhardt album you download a month ago. Wear it backwards (with our low extra cost Peek-A-Boo face), and your child can peek-a-boo at the back of your head until his little hands fall off, while you are free to Skype that couch surfing friend in Norway, watch a season of Game of Thrones, or finish that World of Warcraft mission you've been putting off while you played unprofitable, pointless games with a child.
Never have you and your child played so efficiently and effortlessly as with the Peek-A-Boo Mask!
4. Stiff Baby
Why did they even call them babies? Just call them jelly legs. Ever try to put one down when it doesn't want to go down? Jelly legs. Want it to stand when it wants to sit? Jelly legs. Want it to walk to that midnight roots music concert with your Black Friend but the baby is tired and wants to be carried? Jelly, jelly, jelly legs.
Well, next time you've got tickets to a jam session those jelly legs won't stand a chance when you strap them into a Stiff Baby. Made of durable, heavy duck canvas, this steampunk jumpsuit is more than a fashion statement. On either side of each joint are a matching pair of steel rings, welded to steel cuffs that are sewn into the canvas. Just drop a hinge pin into the rings, and those jelly legs will be cured forever. Baby won't bend if baby can't bend, and with the detachable wheels just hook them to your skateboard or scooter and baby moves when and where you do. Larger sizes will fit over Dura-Diaper, for a full week of clean, jelly leg free outings.
5. Baby Stay Put
Your cell rings. You put the baby down to untangle your earbuds. It's your boss on the line, wanting to you to finish the Powerpoint you've been working on and email it right away. Out of the corner of your eye you see your baby crawling towards the top of the stairs. Not wanting to risk your engraved iPad while you wrangle your tot, you put your boss on hold, put the iPad down, grab the baby, put it back in the middle of the room, pick up the iPad, get back on the phone to you Boss - who now wants you to explain "The Cloud" to him again, stall as you try to slam together the Powerpoint you've been putting off while re-mastering your album, and turn to see your baby crawling toward the open balcony window. Down goes the iPad, back goes the baby, up goes the iPad, back comes the Boss, and gone is the baby - again, who knows where.
Work-at-home job slipping through your fingers, but you've got to stop everything every two minutes to save your baby's life.
How can you be expected to keep a chill attitude around such childish timing?
You could just pick the baby up - but who wants those unsightly, baby-holding muscles to bulk out the sleek arms you've honed with years of Hatha Yoga?
You can't lug a playpen around, but you can get a pair of Baby Stay Puts. They may just look like pants, but what pants! Double lined with riveted denim, Stay Puts are filled with five to ten pounds of lead bird shot, depending on the size and weight of the child. These pants will make sure your toddler toddles no more. From now on, where ever you put your baby, Baby Stays Put.
6. The D-Rac
And speaking of your Black Friend: you're together at the coffee shop. Your significant other is off pitching a cool-ass mobile app to Chevron, so you have the baby in a stroller. But something is wrong. Every time your Black Friend leans in to koochie-koo the kid the baby screams and cries.
Wassup with that?
Oops - turns out that besides marauding orcs, the random Samuel L. Jackson video, and that time you sat up watching the complete The Wire on Netflix - your Black Friend is the only dark face your baby sees. So now the ankle-biter is freaked out by all the rarely-viewed melanin.
What to do?
Well, you could meet and hang out with a greater range of people, get your kid used to the variety of humanity, but why waste time with that when you could just slap a Digital De-Racinator on that stroller! A lightweight clear shield that fits any stroller and motorcycle sidecar, the D-Rac will put your baby at ease by making every black, brown, or insufficiently European face it sees into a friendly pink, completely eliminating the darker shades that so seldom are a part of its, or your, life.
Using a patented face-recognition and pale-ination process, the D-Rack can fade even the darkest of shades, and turn your baby-scaring Black Friend into merely your Friend Without Tattoos.
And check out our matching sunglasses for you, the Yipster parent! Now when you hiply tell your Black Friend you don't see his/her color you can really mean it!
These are just a few the fine products you will find on the KinderKool website! Please feel free to visit and see how these, and our many other Yipster oriented products, can help you tend your kinder, and keep your kool.
Happy Festivus, The Staff at KinderKool.
