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One of the most hands-down funniest seasonal stories ever written is the SantaLand Diaries by David Sedaris. This short essay was read by Sedaris on NPR's Morning Edition on December 23, 1992 and consequently catapulted the relatively obscure writer into the national spotlight. Drawing on his experience working at Macy's New York as a department store elf, Sedaris created a masterpiece of understated humor as he relays to the audience the daily indignities suffered during his employment as Crumpet the Elf. The writing is nothing short of brilliant.
It has become a tradition for me to either read the essay or, even better, listen to the author himself give a reading of the SantaLand Diaries this time of year. Here are a couple of excerpts to peak your interest.
I wear green velvet knickers, a forest green velvet smock and a perky little hat decorated with spangles. This is my work uniform.
I've spent the last several days sitting in a crowded, windowless Macy's classroom, undergoing the first phases of elf training. You can be an entrance elf, a water-cooler elf, a bridge elf, train elf, maze elf, island elf, magic-window elf, usher elf, cash-register elf or exit elf.
We were given a demonstration of various positions in action, acted out by returning elves, who were so onstage and goofy that it made me a little sick to my stomach. I don't know that I could look anyone in the eye and exclaim: Oh, my goodness, I think I see Santa. Or can you close your eyes and make a very special Christmas wish?
Everything these elves say seems to have an exclamation point on the end of it. It makes one's mouth hurt to speak with such forced merriment. It embarrasses me to hear people talk this way. I think I'll be a low-key sort of elf.
The overall cutest elf is a fellow from Queens named Ritchie. His elf name is Snowball and he tends to ham it up with the children, sometimes tumbling down the path to Santa's house. I generally gag when elves get that cute, but Snowball is hands-down adorable. You want to put him in your pocket.
Yesterday, Snowball and I worked as Santa elves, and I got excited when he started saying things like: I'd follow you to Santa's house any day, Crumpet. It made me dizzy, this flirtation. By mid-afternoon, I was running into walls. By late afternoon, Snowball had cooled down.
By the end of our shift, we were in the bathroom changing our clothes, and all a sudden we were surrounded by five Santas and three other elves. All of them were guys that Snowball had been flirting with. Snowball just leads elves on - elves and Santas.
Sedaris later expanded on the work and included it in two other books he wrote,
Barrel Fever and
Holidays on Ice. If you have never had the opportunity to experience the entire original piece, I urge you to carve out the 30 minutes and listen to the author read the essay in the video I posted above. It is at times irreverent and not completely politically correct, but the humor is genuine and great for a cynical laugh at the absurdness that often accompanies our commercialized Christmas season.
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December 20, 2013
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