A new Guardian report reveals the NSA's ultra top secret Sewage Hacking & Intelligence Tracking & Sniffing program, internally called the SHITsniff, conducted by the "5 Noses" partners (Australia, Canada, New Zealand, UK, US) in support of the NSA's directive to "COLLECT IT ALL."
A senior intelligence official speaking on the condition of anonymity & whose name rhymes with 'rapper' explained:
While I cannot confirm or deny if we [NSA] have the forensic technology to store & sniff the world's sewage, it might be hypothetically possible to analyze all that crap to find out what a terrorist may have eaten recently, so patriotic contractors like Boo* All** can receive billion-dollar contracts to analyze the shit & figure out which restaurants the terrorists might have visited. The usefulness of that information is a sensitive operational secret, but it's absolutely critical I tell you.
Plus, I can assure you that the NSA does not do bulk collection of domestic sewage of US persons under Section 215 authorities at this time, so your privacy is totally protected. Besides, it's totally legal. And the technology is awesome, because it was instrumental in sniffing out the Tsarnev brother within hours rather than months. Q.E.D. Also, too, 9/11.
Li Kequiang, the Chinese Premier chuckled:
Even we don't do that. Yet.
Katherine Ashton, the EU's representative for foreign affairs & security said:
Wow, finally an NSA program that may actually be legal in the EU. We never imagined we might need to write regulations to prohibit crap sniffing.
At 10 Downing Street, the shit hit the fan. UK Prime Minister David Cameron immediately sent GCHQ staff to "securely" destroy the toilets at the Guardian's headquarters in London & teach them a lesson:
They've had their fun. Now it's time for the Guardian to stop crapping on our shitty programs.
Vladimir Putin, the Russian leader however tried to defend the NSA in his own adorable way:
As a KGB leader, I can tell you that in the intelligence gathering business, sometimes it is necessary to beat the shit out of the Chechens.
Senators John McCain & Lindsay Graham announced that they fully support the troops & all NSA sniffing but blasted President Obama for allowing it. They agreed to support a new investigation with Darrell Issa to find out what the Obama & Hillary sniffed out in Benghazi.
Former Governor, Sarah Palin echoed their sentiment:
I think this is all great. I like to sniff the grizzlies. In Alaska & real America, people are always checking out my ass. And Bush too. Yes, he was sniffing in there. White Santa too, so I don't see any problem with this program. But I don't like the idea of the Kenyan doing it. Also too, freedom. And did I mention 9/11? Did we repeal Obamacare yet?.
Senator Dianne Feinstein immediately modified her intelligence reform bill to authorize all past, present & future sniffing.
"I commend the NSA for going the extra mile to protect our asses. After 9/11, it's really critical to catch the scent of the terrorists as soon as possible".
Senator Rand Paul announced he will filibuster Feinstein's intelligence reform bill so he can personally stink up the Senate floor in protest by boycotting all toilets for 48 hours.
Meanwhile, a senior staffer on Senator Wyden's admitted that the senator had been secretly farting at public intelligence hearings in hopes of giving a clue to the press about the secret program. Now that it's been leaked Snowden, Sen Wyden can finally stop his gas leakage program.
Industry leaders Waste Management Inc, Republic Services, & Clean Harbors/Safety Kleen Inc. expressed outrage that the NSA is sniffing their private waste without warrants & may be jeopardizing their international business. Jerry Korrell, CEO of Clean Harbors Inc. was outraged that his company did not get the shitty contract. David Steiner, CEO of Waste Management, said
"Our company has been bidding on major contracts in Brazil & Germany so I really hope these spooks haven't been sniffing around Dilma & Angela's asses".
At a press conference, General Alexander said that he cannot confirm or deny the existence of the program, then said:
If your shit doesn't stink, then you have no reason to fear. Besides, I don't really think that people have any expectation of privacy when it comes to their shit, specially when it goes into the public sewers. Goodbye, and God Bless 9/11 and terrorism.
[Then, channeling Jack Nicholson, he added:]
You can't handle the stink.
NBC Meet the Press host David Gregory exclaimed:
"The Guardian is double super traitoristic for getting the poop scoop. They should go to jail."
60 Minutes correspondent Lara Logan said:
"I can finally report on the skid marks in Benghazi when my vacation suspension ends."
Toronto Mayor Rob Ford said:
"Hey, maybe I can go work for that program. I'm always shit faced."
ACLU director Jameel Jaffer tweeted
"This stinks!"
EFF director Shari Steele said:
"Another new frontier for the NSA"
Tom Cruise, the actor said:
Great, now our religion is going to be accused of a scentology conspiracy.