Last night, Stephen Colbert talked about how the NRA successfully got the CDC to stop studying the effects of guns, and how they and other gun advocates are spreading FAKE stories when a gun came in handy.
Back in 1993, the jack-booted statisticians at the Centers for Disease Control published a study of gun households. (In "Better Homes & Ammo") Now, according to the study, not only were guns ineffective in home protection, but "people who keep guns in their homes appear to be at greater risk of homicide... than people who do not".
Well, sure. With a gun in the house, my family's less safe. But isn't that a small price to pay for my family's safety? (Catch .22 Caliber) (audience laughter and applause)
....
Folks, we are facing the threat of information. Thankfully, patriots like conservative historian David Barton are fighting back with positive stories of guns in our schools.
DAVID BARTON (1/15/2013): A great example, in the 1850s, you have a schoolteacher who's teaching. A guy — he's out in the West — a guy from New England has been searching for him, wants to kill him and find him. So he comes in the school with his gun to shoot the teacher. He decides not to shoot the teacher, 'cause all the kids pull their guns out and point it at him, and said, "You kill the teacher, you die." He says OK. Teacher lives. Real simple stuff.
Yeah, real simple stuff. Remember, kids, remember, guns are like gum. You have to bring enough for the entire class. (Safer Than Bringing Peanut Butter)
Now, of course, the blogo-chats out there are saying Barton lifted that story from the Louis L'Amour novel Bendigo Shafter. But come on, Bendigo Shafter? Is that even a book? It sounds like a Native American porn star. (Star of "Poke-Her-Haunches")
But even if Barton did borrow the story, there's nothing wrong with taking a story from a book and saying it's real. (Works for Religion) (shocked audience reaction turns to cheering and applause)
The fact is, the only thing out there that can stop a bad guy with good information is a good guy with bad information. Like NRA president Wayne LaPierre.
WAYNE LaPIERRE (2/3/2013): If a tornado hits, if a hurricane hits, if a riot occurs, that they're going to be out there alone. And the only way they're going to protect themselves, in the cold, in the dark, when they're vulnerable is with a firearm.
Yes, if only somebody had threatened Hurricane Sandy with a shotgun, the Northeast wouldn't be in this mess. (Tip: Aim For The Eye) So folks, to counter all the negative stories about guns out there, we've got to follow Wayne and David's lead and make up positive stories about guns. ("Propa-gun-da")
Video and full transcript below the fold.
It's been a month since the tragedy at Sandy Hook, but the media just won't let this story go. Meanwhile, other news gets completely ignored. Where's the in-depth report on the salsa dog?
Salsa dog. Could it happen in your town?
Folks, this morbid obsession with the tens of thousands of people who are killed every year with guns is just all part of the media's anti-gun agenda. And it is not fooling NRA president Wayne "The Pierre" LaPierre.
WAYNE LaPIERRE (12/24/2012): There's a media machine in this country that wants to blame guns every time something happens.
That's right. Every time someone takes a bullet to the chest, the media rushes to blame guns. Hey, maybe the guy tripped and fell on a bullet. Or hammered it in there. But no! To the media, the smoking gun is always a smoking gun.
Some journalists are so prejudiced against guns, they have sunk to journalism. Because there is no national database of shootings, Slate has started tallying the number of gun deaths since Newtown. It's been more than 30 a day. Now I know that sounds high, but remember, there's only 28 days in February.
Sadly, all this anti-gun information has had an effect. In a recent poll, 93% of Americans now favor background checks. But we can't trust those 93%. We don't know their backgrounds. Luckily, we can fight this negative reporting about guns, and that brings us to tonight's Wørd: Silent But Deadly.
Folks, this isn't the first time our Second Amendment have been threatened by facts. Back in 1993, the jack-booted statisticians at the Centers for Disease Control published a study of gun households. (In "Better Homes & Ammo") Now, according to the study, not only were guns ineffective in home protection, but "people who keep guns in their homes appear to be at greater risk of homicide... than people who do not".
Well, sure. With a gun in the house, my family's less safe. But isn't that a small price to pay for my family's safety? (Catch .22 Caliber) (audience laughter and applause)
Besides, why on Earth... someone tell me why is the Centers for Disease Control studying guns? Guns aren't a disease. I didn't get my semi-automatic from sitting on a toilet seat. (Different Kind of "Uzi") (audience groans)
Folks, think about it. If this kind of information fell into the wrong hands, who knows how much damage it could have done? But luckily, the NRA stepped up to make sure it would never happen again.
MARK STRASSMANN, CBS NEWS (1/17/2013): In 1996, the NRA successfully lobbied Congress to put this restriction into the CDC's budget. "None of the funds made available... may be used to advocate or promote gun control."
The NRA made the government stop studying the effect of guns. And in the 17 years since, we've remained perfectly safe... as far as we know. (Ignorance is BLAM!)
Now unfortunately, folks, years of hard not-work may soon be undone, because with a stroke of a pen, Obama just directed the CDC to resume scientific studies on gun violence, saying he just wants to protect people from guns. (Drones on The Other Hand...)
Now once again, we're facing our old enemy from the '90s. (Newman!) Folks, we are facing the threat of information. Thankfully, patriots like conservative historian David Barton are fighting back with positive stories of guns in our schools.
DAVID BARTON (1/15/2013): A great example, in the 1850s, you have a schoolteacher who's teaching. A guy — he's out in the West — a guy from New England has been searching for him, wants to kill him and find him. So he comes in the school with his gun to shoot the teacher. He decides not to shoot the teacher, 'cause all the kids pull their guns out and point it at him, and said, "You kill the teacher, you die." He says OK. Teacher lives. Real simple stuff.
Yeah, real simple stuff. Remember, kids, remember, guns are like gum. You have to bring enough for the entire class. (Safer Than Bringing Peanut Butter)
Now, of course, the blogo-chats out there are saying Barton lifted that story from the Louis L'Amour novel Bendigo Shafter. But come on, Bendigo Shafter? Is that even a book? It sounds like a Native American porn star. (Star of "Poke-Her-Haunches")
But even if Barton did borrow the story, there's nothing wrong with taking a story from a book and saying it's real. (Works for Religion) (shocked audience reaction turns to cheering and applause)
The fact is, the only thing out there that can stop a bad guy with good information is a good guy with bad information. Like NRA president Wayne LaPierre.
WAYNE LaPIERRE (2/3/2013): If a tornado hits, if a hurricane hits, if a riot occurs, that they're going to be out there alone. And the only way they're going to protect themselves, in the cold, in the dark, when they're vulnerable is with a firearm.
Yes, if only somebody had threatened Hurricane Sandy with a shotgun, the Northeast wouldn't be in this mess. (Tip: Aim For The Eye) So folks, to counter all the negative stories about guns out there, we've got to follow Wayne and David's lead and make up positive stories about guns. ("Propa-gun-da")
For instance, did you know that four out of five dentists recommend that you own a gun?
Or that Abraham Lincoln actually died from choking on a Raisinette? (Sic Semper Delicious!)
So, join me in standing up against any actual knowledge about guns. Let the CDC know, they can take our ignorance, when they pry it from our cold dead minds. (Silent But Deadly) And that's the Wørd. We'll be right back.
Stephen also covered the
Academy Awards, and the
latest rumors about why the Pope stepped down when he did.
Meanwhile, Jon
apologized to former Mississippi Secretary of State Dick Molpus (D) for implying he was racist, when in fact he's actually a civil rights hero in that state.
He then looked at Virginia's version, where a
cohabitation law is STILL on the books.
Jon then
discussed the sequester with Sam Bee.
Stephen talked with British journalist
Simon Garfield about maps, and Jon talked with actor
Donnie Wahlberg about his latest project looking at Boston.