Well folks, the Great Mandala (oops, wrong religion) the Wheels of Heaven have turned enough to provide us with yet another season of Pick-the-Pope. The main contenders, as I, Lapsed-Catholic Extraordinaire, see them, are as follows. Each photo is accompanied by a brief “synopsis and biography” (forgive me Lord…)—
Peter Turkson of Ghana. This guy ought to get the job just based on that smile. Too, the world seems ready for a pope of color. He’s the one I’m voting for. If elected will take the name Pope Sunshine I.
Marc Ouellette from French Canada. Probably an outsider due to Canada’s closeness to the US. Too many sex scandals in America for the College of Cardinals to even consider him. Plus he once characterized the job of pope as a “nightmare”. If he is somehow elected he will take the name Pope Aznavour III.
Francis Arinze. Another solid candidate from Africa, however Cardinal Arinze has been working at the Vatican now for quite some time, so his ties to Africa are less immediate than Turkson’s. Known for dedication to regulations and nose to the grindstone. If elected will be known as Pope Paperwork XII.
Leonardo Sandri of Argentina. A real chance of attaining Popehood if the cardinals are dead set on electing a South American, although he’s really a transplanted Italian, with “connections”. If elected will take the name Pope Corleone V.
Angelo Scola from Italy. One of the one jillion Italian cardinals in today’s College. Said to be a real hard case—favorite saying is the Lord’s Way or the Highway. If elected will go by the moniker Pope Strictus X.
Angelo Bagnasco of Italy. Another Italian—they’re everywhere in that tiny city! Said to like knock-knock jokes. Will take the name Pope Veryfunny VIII.
Christoph Schonborn of Austria. Chance of another German-speaking Pope so soon is practically nil. Church still smarting over the Martin Luther dustup. Schonborn also committed the classic goof of allowing some openly gay person to sit in some conclave or other. If a miracle seats him in St. Peter’s Chair he will go by Pope Dagwood IX.
Tarcisio Bertone of Italy. No-nonsense Bertone will take an old fashioned spare-the-rod-and-spoil-the-child approach to the church. Said to have already devised daily physical workouts for all cardinals—those who can’t hack it will be out on their keisters. Fond of addressing flabby or effeminate fellow-cardinals as “girls”. Will reign if elected as Pope Coach IV.