If only there were a way to fix the stupid
If only Republicans could unlock the secret to not saying stupid shit about rape. Over and over again. For years and years.
But gosh, it is just so tricky! How are you supposed to keep candidates from espousing the virtues and/or scientific impossibility of rape babies—especially when it's right there in the party platform? Oh, if only there were some way. They held the "Discussion on Successful Communication with Minorities and Women" at a slave plantation. Lady Republicans had their own panel about how they think the menfolk should maybe stop saying stupid shit about rape—and also something about putting "We Like Sex Too" on bumper stickers. Not clear how that's supposed to help. The Susan B. Anthony List, a faux feminist group devoted to stripping women of their reproductive rights because that is totally the point of feminism, has even discussed offering sensitivity training to Republican candidates to help them avoid getting tricked by the gotcha media into saying stupid shit about rape.
And now the National Republican Senatorial Committee also has a plan:
The goal? To avoid what’s become known in GOP circles as "Todd Akin moments."
"The campaigns that jumped off message not only infected themselves, they infected all the rest of the campaigns," said Rob Collins, the new NRSC executive director, in his first extensive interview on the job. "So in this age of fractured but continuous, three-dimensional communication, we have to constantly plan for that and train for that and build for that."
Ah. So the plan is to plan for candidates infecting themselves, and the entire party, with their own stupidity by expressing exactly what the Republican Party believes, puts in its platform, and wastes countless hours—on the taxpayers' dime—trying to enact through blatantly unconstitutional legislation. If only there were a vaccine for Republicanism—but then, Republicans would refuse to take it anyway, for fear that, according to Michele Bachmann's seven-foot doctor, it would cause instant retardation.
But it's not as if the NRSC came up with this plan to plan out of thin air. These are professionals, after all! The committee's brain trust did a survey (ooh, fancy!) of the winners and losers of the last two election cycles and "discovered its party lacked talented communications professionals in the field able to capably run a campaign press operation that could handle such situations."
Really? The Republican Party lacks people who are capable of communicating effectively? Ya don't say? But this Collins fellow really knows what he's talking about, because he used to work for House Majority Whip Eric Cantor, where he successfully helped Cantor achieve "his first major goal as whip — ensuring that every House Republican voted against the popular young president’s stimulus." Helping your party block popular legislation to try to save America's economy? Yeah, that's definitely something to be proud of.
Collins also realizes Republicans "lacked for technologically advanced campaigns that were being run by people who knew what they were doing," so as soon as they can get someone to teach them how to use dial-up to access their AOL accounts, man, just watch out because the Republican Party is really going to be unbeatable.