No, I haven’t given up, though my confidence has waned. At this point in my life at the bottom I often wonder if anybody cares. Now into my fifth year since my involuntary departure from full-time employment, I wonder if anybody will ever give me another chance. Upon hindsight, I get the feeling that my attempt to improve my employability through furthering my education has been rendered useless – if not fatally damaging – since it contributed an additional two years to my unemployment. Forgive me for being serious about my academic success, but apparently devoting my time to earning a MS at the top of my class (at a highly-rated university in my field, no less) means nothing to potential employers these days. What else am I supposed to do?
In the past five years my personal life and philosophy has changed dramatically. From being well-off and self-supporting I think I've finally accepted being poor and having to rely upon the kindness of others. I've learned that good things come from unexpected sources. It's the little things that matter. I've learned that I can't force life, life flows at its own pace. I've discovered life's not about how much money you have, but how much joy you have. There are days I wallow in my misfortune, but I do believe my purpose right now is to divest myself from unreasonable and unsustainable expectations. No easy task! I've got a nagging sense of entitlement that needs a good, swift kick in the a--. I know life doesn't give a s--- about what I want, and I cannot take that as a personal slight. I just have to take it. My life may not be going according to plan, but there is a Total Wine within walking distance.
So, yeah, I still haven’t figured out the secret to success. Maybe I just don’t understand what success is. It seems to vary from individual to individual. If I gauge success using the metric I learned as I grew up in an average, middle-class suburb, I’m definitely not there. Then again, nobody told me that success – true personal success – is based upon content, not value. Well, that sounds all fine and dandy except that content doesn’t pay the bills. I need money, but not a handout. I’m not a charity case. I’m a hardworking person who desperately wants another chance. I can do things! I’ve proven this. Just because I have a spotty employment record the past few years doesn’t make me any less reliable. If anything, it’s made me stronger. I’m far more resilient to criticism and rejection than I was five years ago. It’s practically a way of life for me now.
So I ranted about work = slavery the last time around. I still believe that, but the virtues of hard work are still evident. It’s just the system is broken. Facts are facts; we live in country that values hard work for little reward. Compared to the rest of the world we treat our employees – especially the low wage earners – just a cut above slavery, or indentured servitude at best. I do not crave that kind of working world. I do not long to return to a job – particularly a salaried position – that requires sixty-hour work-weeks plus weekends. I’ve been there. I’ve had breakdowns, mental collapses, sleepless nights, and tears for lunch. As a contractor working long hours, I once literally cried myself into full-time employment when my employer took sympathy at my plight. So why can’t potential employers be sympathetic to my tears now?
Honestly, I don’t know if I want them to be sympathetic. I’m scared of returning to the grind. I admit it. This is probably the primary motivating factor for why the long-term unemployed are maligned. We’ve had time to reflect on how the working world works, and we don’t like what we see. Again, see my previous rant. Who’s going to employ anybody that views modern working conditions as a sad joke (on us, the workers)? Economic downturns are just opportunities for employers to put the fear of God into their employees while taking away more benefits, raises, and bonuses “for the good of the company.” Be lucky you’ve still got a job, wage-slave! But enough of that already.
I return to my original thought: does anybody care? After five years I can only conclude obviously not. If so, I would have a job by now. How often can anybody endure that tired phrase, “Your qualifications are exceptional; you’ll have no trouble finding another position”? Does anybody care? No. If so, we’d have guaranteed vacations, paid sick leave, guaranteed benefits (even for part-time employees), an actual living wage, equal treatment for women, the LGBT community, and minorities. But we don’t live in that world. We live in America where millions of long-term unemployed are an acceptable by-product of a successful, thriving capitalist system. Pain is part of the program.
Why is this acceptable? In an economic system where unemployment is a feature, not a bug, why are we treated as incompetent lazy slackers? I know I’m not. I know I may be jaded, but after fifteen years of solid, steady employment since earning my BA – added to my hard-earned MS – I’ve got the cred. I get things done. I get knocked down and get back up for more. I keep going, rejection after rejection, hoping to hop aboard the capitalism carousel once more. Dear potential employer: I am ready, anywhere, anytime, but who cares?