Earlier this month my husband and I went to visit my family in Denver. It wasn't only a trip to see my Mom and Dad, my sister, an aunt, cousins, daughter and son-in-law, but to meet our first granddaughter, Amelia (not her real name).
The occasion was Amelia's baptism. It was a compromise maneuver to the Catholic in-laws who insisted that the grandchild be baptized. My daughter initially hadn't wanted to have her children baptized so I guess the campaign was pretty intense. The compromise came that while Amelia would be baptized it would be in the protestant church of Amelia's maternal great grandparents.
The whole visit was nice and joyful. My husband and I even took a day trip to Rocky Mountain National Park.
One night during dinner on my parents back patio my husband, my sister, my parents and I got into a discussion about marriage equality.
I made a comment about it in this diary, Terminally ill man and his husband fight to force Ohio to recognize their marriage, and judge agrees. Unfortunately I forgot to add a realization I had in the aftermath of the discussion.
Here is my comment:
My sister and my (for the most part) liberal father had said something stupid about gays getting special and extra rights. I expected this from my sister who's gone to the dark side, but not my dad. And my liberal Mom joined him.
Okay they are both 80, and this concept has to break through layers of years of social and religious dogma. I get that, but still I tried.
I challenged them to name what special rights gays had been given that straights do not have.
I asked them if the only purpose for marriage is procreation, why they are they still married since they hadn't had a child in 47 years.
I told them of cases where long time gay and lesbian partners being denied access to their partners in hospitals where they lay dying. And the legal recognition that straight couples take for granted.
I told them that my husband and I both support gay marriage. And in actuality we support "civil unions" for everyone (gay and straight) as authorized by the state - and marriage ceremonies for the religious part of this (since different religions define marriage differently).
And then I told them about commonmass and GMB02 - and finally there was a crack - where they could see the importance of "gay" marriage when one partner is dying.
It was small, but I took the victory.
It's amazing to see a couple spend their last weeks demanding recognition.
The crack was with all three of them. They could see how impending death of a partner without legal status would be an understandable reason for "gay marriage."
I forgot to put in the comment that I also used and example of someone they personally know/knew . . . one of my close friends growing up, a preachers kid, from my parent's Christian denomination. I'll call her "Mary."
Mary had come out to me at Denver University back in the mid to late 80s (which I was kind of evil about it, I already knew, but I made her say the words). A few months later I did the Halloween make up on her arm, a dragon tattoo, so she could be a "dyke on a bike."
For the past 7 years I have been after her and her partner to come to MA so they could get married and we could have some fun together. But that will probably have to wait now until Colorado gets marriage equality because my friend had a major stroke a few years ago. Her partner, her wife, has been with her, supporting her, every step of the way.
I believe you can measure a good conversation if you also get something out of it. And toward the end of that conversation, and into the evening thinking about it, I did.
My sister, who is 3 years my junior, has been married twice. Once formally, with a marriage license, minister, white dress, gray tuxes and a big purple (yes, purple) wedding cake. She was 18 and I sang at her wedding.
She and my former brother-in-law (also 18 at the time of the wedding) divorced before their 10th anniversary, but they had been separated for a lot longer.
Her second marriage, has lasted much longer and I believe on it's 17 year. There wasn't a wedding dress, a party, a wedding cake, a minister or even a license. And taking stock of all this is when I realized that my sister and her husband have availed themselves of something a gay/lesbian couple cannot, and that's common law.
My sister and her long time boyfriend have done everything Colorado says they must do, to be "married under common law," they have lived together in a marital type relationship, have referred to each other as "wife" and "husband" in public and to others, they have filed income taxes together, had insurance together, etc. (pdf)
If they were to break up, they would now have to get a divorce just as a legally married couple would. (different pdf)
This is something that gay and lesbian couples cannot use. It doesn't matter if they say they are married, call each other "wife" or "husband" in public. Putting a non-relative on your health insurance? Not possible (it's even hard to put your dependent mother on your insurance). File a joint income tax return? I don't think it's possible.
Until gay marriage/marriage equality is made legal in all these United States, a gay/lesbian couple can't even claim "common law" because some of the "evidence" needed to claim common law can only be obtained if gay marriage is legal.
So you can't be extra-legally married, if you can't be legally married.
Until gay and lesbian couples can also be married under "common law" they are only "perpetual roomates."