We The People of the Supreme Court majority, in order to form a more perfect Republican electoral strategy, establish obedience, insure the futility of dissent, provide for the common degradation, promote the corporate welfare, and secure the blessings of liberty and impunity to the few alone and our posterity, do hereby roll and wipe our asses with this Constitution of the United States of America.
We find these truths to be inconvenient, that all men are created equal and thus must be made unequal by us. They are endowed by their Creator with certain alien and terrifying rights abhorrent to the common decency, that among these are the right to exist without permission, talk back to their economic betters, and vote Democratic. We the people of the Supreme Court majority thereby hold that, by right of God and the cosmic power invested in our magic robes, we are the five of us free and independent states unto ourselves; that we are absolved of allegiance to the United States Constitution; that among our sovereign and separate powers are the right to nullify any element of said Constitution, invent any element which is not present, and in general to Poop Upon thee as we please.
For the support of this declaration, with firm reliance and the protection of the divine Koch Brothers, we mutually pledge each other your lives, your fortunes, and your freedoms, whereas we ourselves prefer not to even pay taxes if avoidable.
Next week on the Supreme Gong Show: We invite Geraldo Rivera to throw D&D dice to decide whether or not it's legal to use quadriplegic children as crash test dummies. Our conservative Magic 8 Ball points to Yes.
Stand up for yourself and your country this Independence Day.