Last night, John Oliver looked at how the big banks have avoided anyone actually going to jail for crashing the entire worldwide economy.
The settlement terms for these bankers are pretty attractive. It's frankly no wonder that no one wants to have their day in court. Well, almost no one.
BRIAN WILLIAMS (8/1/2013): A jury has decided that a former Wall Street trader should pay for his role in the toxic mortgage crisis that was such a big part of the financial meltdown. He is Fabrice Tourre, a 34-year-old French-born former Goldman Sachs trader.
SANJAY GUPTA (4/26/2013): He calls himself "Fabulous Fab".
What?? Fabulous Fab? You think you're in Cirque du Soleil? And I do hope you checked the drag queen registration website to see if that name was even available at the moment. And frankly, I did not know that you were even allowed to pick your own nickname. No one told me that was an option. So, with that in mind, from now on, you may address me as Jokemaster Johnny Fresh. (wild audience cheering and applause) Yes. Actually, you know what? That's a bit of a mouthful. Let's go with Juicy Johnny. No, I take that back, that's too sexy. I've got it; Carlos Danger! (wild audience cheering and applause) You know, that name is available, he's promised he's not using it anymore.
Still, I guess we have at least one guy. And, he's a vice president. So even if we didn't take down the company, we got the #2. (listens to earpiece) What?!
LOU DOBBS (3/15/2012): Goldman Sachs vice president — and by the way, they've got about 12,000 of them over there....
Holy shit! 12,000 vice presidents! All presumably with different ridiculous nicknames. Apparently, you can't walk into Goldman and throw a pen without hitting a vice president. 'Cause even if you hit the janitor, you'll be hitting the Vice President in charge of Urinal Cakes — or as he insists on being called, Scrubtastic Steve.
But at least Fabulous Fabrice is going to jail. Right?
KAYLA TAUSCHE, CNBC (8/2/2013): A jury found former Goldman trader Fabrice Tourre liable on 6 of 7 civil counts for fraud. ... He does face fines and a potential lifetime ban from the securities industry.
A lifetime ban from the securities industry! Shouldn't he have to at least stay 1,000 feet away from Wall Street? And introduce himself door-to-door whenever he moves to any town that has a bank?
(in French accent) "Hello, my name is Fabrice, and I am a registered derivatives offender."
(audience laughter and applause)
Look, I guess this is just the best we can hope for. Token fines that are essentially rolled into the bank's cost of doing business, along with their budgets for toner cartridges or cocaine. But at least now, you know, they know that we, we're watching them. And it'll be a while before they dare to behave so badly again.
CHRISTINE ROMANS (5/27/2013): Banks are behaving badly again. That's according to a letter from the New York State Attorney General Eric Schneiderman. Last year, five banks agreed to pay out $25 billion dollars as part of a settlement designed to put a stop to mortgage foreclosure abuse. ... Schneiderman says some of the banks are "engaging in much of the same misconduct that precipitated the National Mortgage Settlement".
Annnnd, we're back to where we started. You know what the perfect analogy for this is? Our financial regulatory system is like 50 Shades of Grey. You can't hurt them, because they like it. And we just keep getting fucked. (audience cheering) We'll be right back.
Video below the fold.
John then looked at
sexual abuse in the military with Sen.
Kirsten Gillibrand (D-NY).
She was also the guest for the regular
interview. It still went long, so here's the unedited interview in three parts.
Part 1
Part 2
Part 3
Meanwhile, Stephen noted how CNN's Dr. Sanjay Gupta has reversed his position on marijuana.
He then noted the recent string of celebrities
saving people's lives, and decided to have a
celebrity save his own life.
He then looked at how Rep. Darrell Issa (R-CA) wants to
name the waters off the coast of the U.S. after Ronald Reagan.
Stephen interviewed Irish author
Colum McCann.