Hey, you know what? This is nice. No name-calling, no left vs. right ideological bullshit, it's just the pleasure of watching news anchors slowly perish from hypothermia.
MELISSA FRANCIS (1/2/2014): All this snow, and still cries over global warming.
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Hold on there, but the weather where you are on a particular day doesn't... don't... don't do this, don't.
ERIC BOLLING (1/4/2014): We're having a hard time understand how global warming alarmists are still trying to push their radical position.
DANIEL HENNINGER (1/4/2014): Global warming, a phrase we're all familiar with, I think it's going to die this year ... given the kind of incredible cold weather we've had this weekend.
(disappointed audience laughter)
Right now there are parts of my body that are getting angry that I didn't even know could get angry. (audience cheering and applause for earlier joke reference) And it's... they're getting so angry right now that it's... I'm not going to tell you which part it is... it's my balls. (audience laughter) Right now, I have angry balls. Oh my God, I think I just invented a new video game!
(audience laughter)
"Are you kids playing Angry Balls? Hey you kids! Stop playing Angry Balls!"
Just when you think it's over, they pull you back in!
There you have it. War on Christmas is over, the War on Carbon begins. Global warming, just one more liberal conspiracy. Because even though there is a great deal of scientific data establishing climate trends, even though many of the models of global warming predict more extremes of weather — not just warming — apparently decades of peer-reviewed scientific study can be, like a ficus plant, destroyed in one cold weekend.
STUART VARNEY (1/2/2014): Looks to me like we're looking at global cooling. Forget this global warming. That's just my opinion.
Yeah! You're fucking opinion! That's your opinion! It means nothing!! Sorry. (yells at balls) Guys, settle down! (audience laughter)
What... it's your opinion! "Yeah, based on its flavor, I think lead paint is good to drink. That's my opinion. Peeing into a fountain the same time as another person is a good way to switch souls with them. My opinion!"
1/4/2014:
DAN WEISS, CENTER FOR AMERICAN PROGRESS: If 97 doctors told you that that lump on your lung was something to worry about, and 3 scientists — er, doctors — told you not to worry about it, are you going to listen to the 97, or the 3? Sounds like you might listen to the 3, which would be sad.
ERIC BOLLING: Well, it really matters to me if the 97 were getting paid to tell me I had a lump on my lung, and it was bad.
(confused audience laughter)
You know, that is how doctors get paid, right? You go to them, and then they charge you to diagnose and treat your problem. Although, I think I've figured out where the lump is. (looks at image of Eric Bolling)
All right, let's follow this climate science money.
ERIC BOLLING (1/4/2014): I gotta tell you, I think these scientists are laughing from their lavish laboratories, and their vacations up at the Arctic, in their nice boats that are well-equipped.
(shocked audience laughter)
This Arctic? This lavish boat?
Yeah, that's the dream, man. I remember thinking, when I get older, I'm gonna be taking one of them Arctic research cruises. And monitor shit, 'cause all the ladies be like, "Damn, your readings are so accurate." (audience laughter)
But I get it. You can't trust these scientists, their judgment is clouded by money. Why do you oppose these scientists?
NEIL CAVUTO (5/4/2013): I think it borders on lunacy that we commit billions — dare I say it, Charles — trillions of dollars to something that might not be.
STEVE FORBES (11/24/2012): This is simply another government attempt to extort money from businesses.
Ah, so the integrity and research of corporations saving millions of dollars by denying climate change is unimpeachable. But keep an eye on those tricky global warming scientist thousand-aires. I've never trusted them since I found out one of the elements on their Periodic Table — gold. Pretty convenient!
Look, it seems like there's a simple way to solve this. Just bring on someone whose opinion we all respect, and whose expertise in this field cannot be denied.
DONALD TRUMP (1/6/2014): This whole global warming hoax.
(Jon facepalms as audience bursts into laughter)
(in Jerry Lewis voice) Nooooo! Oh, the doctor is in!
DONALD TRUMP (1/6/2014): This winter is brutal! I mean, I'm in New York right now, the airports were closed, everything's closed, it's freezing!
Oh! So global warming must be a hoax. Because, I mean, Mr. Trump would never conceal a bald-faced truth or go through any effort to hide when something's clearly receding over the years. (scratches hair as audience laughs)
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