I spent today in the waiting room of the Er down here in GA. My husband The Packhorse (he's not an active Kossack who comments, but some of the people in GA met him at Manny's at the first meet-up) had been feeling uncomfortable with breathing issues and chest pain for a week. Last TH I used Spousal Privilege to insist onm him going to the doctor. Doctor looked at the ridiculous cold we had her for a bit, and diagnosed it as cold-induced asthma, not an unreasonable diagnosis when you realize he was worse after going outside. He used the inhaler. Didn't get better. I made him go again today. They did an EKG on the spot and sent him immediately to the ER.
And there we sat at North Gwinnett Medical Center where the waiting room is littered with Bibles. First thing my husband did when he saw one was to remove it from his view. He ended up on a gurney in the hallway--and only one of us can go with him. I don't drive so my MiL drove us. I sent her in with him because after some run-ins with the staff of this hospital ( when my father was there we had some major problems with a nurse--I believe we were responsible for her firing--and a sitter which is someone who isn't trained to CNA level; they are there help the aptient to the bathroom, the extent of their capability--this broad was fire don the spot; and they lsot my father's hearing aid and we had to fight to force them to pay up--the admin who screwed that up also lost his job--my husband carries a notebook and writes it all down for documentation) so I am not thrilled. They'd only let one of us go in till they got him in a treatment room.
The rule, I was told, buy a fat, obnoxious little prick of an admin who didn't like the fact that I had a different name from my husband--and who probably saw my pentacle. He had a little gold cross pin on his suit jacket and had the warmth and charm of a megachurch preacher, pudgy little officious jerk. I sent MiL in and waited till he got to a room, and the admin was pretty damned nasty to me when I coulod come in. I snatched the visitor's pass out of his fat fingers and muttered about mediocre hospitals in a mediocre Southern state under my breath because I really don't trust all these people there.
They asked him for religious preference. I told them flatout that if any CHristian of any denomination comes into his room, my husband is likely to rip out the IV and wring his or her neck. They didn't have a place for WIccan, so they put him down as Pagan. I am surpised they actually recognized a non-Abrahamic religion. Husband repeated the same thing I said about Christian chaplains--no way no how. Actually he was a bit ruder . He told the nurse, "I am Pagan. I don't want a Jesusfreak chaplain in the same room with me. Period." Being WIccan in a fundy area is NOY fun. and this just drove that stake ina little deeper.
They did an X-ray and bloodwork and confirmed he had ha a heart attack. So he finally got taken to a room and is settled in. Tomorrow they will do a heart catheterization and see if he needs a stent, which they will do right then if needed. If it's worse... he'll need heart surgery.
I finally got something to eat at 4 pm--I hadn't had lunch or breakfast. I need to nuke some Stouffer's Mac and Cheese because I am feeling shaky as hell.
My husband is only 57. He had high blood pressure at one point--but since he stopped smoking 5 years ago, along with dropping 20 pounds,that cleared up. This happened out of the blue, no warning.
What makes it worse is that 30 years ago this April, I lost my first husband to an undiagnosed heart problem I've kept myself calm (allowing myself to be angry at idiots like the deacon at the Visitor's Desk, but nothing else). But I finally started to cry afyter calling the two friends we have, both in New England. I have no support network here. No friends even after ten years. NONE. I don't fit in at all well. Imagine a red-haired 60+year old Goth Witch and you can see I am fish out of water. I have my MiL but she's VERY fundy Christian and doesn't get half of what upsets me here or why I dislike this hospital so much. And she really doesn't want to understand, isn't capable of it. She's a good person but she's SOOOO Jesusy that she once banned us from practicing our religion (she referred to Wicca as "demon worship" while we lived there). She'll help me get to and from the hospital but she isn't a shoulder to cry on because we are too different for her to be able to comprehend me, my religion, or my values.
Right now I am terrified. I am desperately afraid I will be a widow again. I lost my first husband to an undiagnosed heart problem when I was 34. This brings it all back. I have put my life back together a couple of times over the last 35 years. I just don't know if I can do it again--no, I am NOT gonna harm myself, even if I am widowed again, but the future looks so bleak, it hurts. We have Tricare so there is some insurance. We're in foreclosure and filed for bankruptcy in August. Yeah, life sucks. On top of everything else, I am caring for an almost 19-year-old brown tabby named Torachan, who is failing. We lost his mate last year on t e 21st, named Mikei--Ben's beloved little girl. I think if one more thing goes wrong, I'll take all my clothes off, stand on the lawn and have primal scream therapy. Actually I won't do that because we have the Neighbor From Hell who'd likely call the police just to make life more difficult (he's a major jerk who is loathed by everybody). I think I could handle this a lot better if I actually had friends here instead of just his family--and we're on so-so terms with them. I love his mother but she regards Wicca as Satan worship, and his oldest sister is a holier-than-thou Christian Bitch. His younger sister is sweet but ineffectual, and his brother has his owns hare of problems. SO I am basically without a support network here--not one friend I can call on who is nearer than Massachusetts.
Anyway, if I am not around for the next few days, this is why. I am gonna make myself some hot chocolate, pour a lot of rum into it, and try to get some sleep. I lsot my first husband when I was 34. I survived that somehow. But here I have only his family as a support network--and frankly they tolerate me on the best day, that wierd Yankee witch their family member married (mind you, HE is a Wiccan too, so at least telling them he's pagan should keep the chaplains from annoying him further). I've never been a good fit with his family--too Yankee, too red-haired, too Wiccan, too Not Southern. We don't even do Xmas with them any more because his niece Thing 2 made that impossibly uncomfortable. One of the two Things (the odler 1, Thing 1) works at that hospital, and tomorrow I intend to make sure that she is NOT allowed in his room--he loathes her. Not, I suspect that she'd show up. She and Thing 2, her younger cousin, regard us a Bound for Hell for being Wiccan and have gone out of their way to make it impossible for us to be with his family for holidays. If she shows up when I am there, I will have her bodily removed--she's a nurse at that hospital. Most l;ikely she won't. She and Thing 2, her cousin, loathe us (among other reasons because we're not Christian) and would be more likely to dance aaround his funeral pyre, playing a violin, rickety-tickety-tin (gratuitous Tom Leher reference because I've already cried and I need to laugh).
If I had a support system, it'd be different. When I lost my first husband, I had friends who helped me a lot. Here, it's MiL and no one else. Not one friend have we made here. I tried SF cons--my usual route--and failed. I I tried the SCA but the local group wasn't a good fit and he was working most weekends so we couldn't go to events even if we could have afforded them. Then my mother died and my father developed Alzheimer's and we spent 18 months taking care of him. Down here religion is SUCH a big deal, and we as Wiccans are about as far out as it gets. His mother doesn't understand or want to understand our faith and just prefers to regard it as devil worship. Hell is being a Wiccan in the Deep South. If we were up north, I have friends I could lean on. Here's It's MiL and that is it. So here we are. My worst nightmare has come true. My husband of 25 years has had a heart attack, we're in foreclosure and I am surrounded by people who, except for MiL, don't much like me for the sin of being a Yankee non-Christian.
Anyone who wants to pray--feel free. Deity of Choice is good with me. I am not anti-Christian but I am at this point really fed up with rightwing hypocritical Christians like the Good Christian Bitches that are my nieces (I don't know what version of the Bible they've read--but I was raised Catholic and can quote Scripture far better than they can, and if they are in heaven,. then hell will be my residence of choice). In fact when I think of them the term "whited sepulcher" comes to mind ( 12 years of Catholic schools and a Catholic college with very world-class theology teachers like Dan Maguire; if it came to Bible quoting and theology, I can mop the floor with them because they know zilch and if they are living a Christlike life, than so are the Tea Partiers). So prayers to Deity of Choice requested. I have no friends down here--neighbors who are causl acquaintances, but no real friends, so I am basically alone. I am gonna go pour myself a very stiff drink, take my meds, and attempt to get some sleep--and hope Torachan holds up for the next week because I think if I have one more thing happen, I will be doing that primal scream therapy on the front yard.