[female positive sales voice, fast delivery]
After some recent judicial setbacks, the Republican push to combat the epidemic of voter fraud is going strong!
The Voter Fraud Vigilantes! Here to save Democracy.*
(*Not to be confused with “Democrats.”)
Here are just a few exciting initiatives created by Republican governors and legislators . . .
Voter ID Matching!
Prevent fraud by requiring voters to show they are in fact, Scott Walker.
Advanced Shape Recognition, Enfranchise-O-Matic!
Eliminate the possibility of fraud by eliminating the possibility of anyone else voting but conservative millionaires!
Minority Voter Outreach!
The Voter Fraud Vigilantes are a rainbow coalition of Pinks, Whites, Sallows and Rosatias— all working together to encourage minorities to participate in alternative voting programs . . . like not voting!
Income Screening and Job Training!
For lower income citizens, we offer job training instead of time-wasting “voting.” Remember, no one has ever gotten rich skipping work to vote.
Student Free Beer Booth!
Voting booth: Bor-ing. Free beer booth: Party!
Why hang out with the grown ups (where you may vote Democrat), when you can have a blast in the free beer booth!
So whether you’re a student, minority, poor, or some sad combination of the three, the Voter Fraud Vigilantes are battling the epidemic of voter fraud for you!
(*Epidemic may not be an epidemic. Odds of voter fraud are less than getting struck by lightning while reporting a UFO.)
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