I have tried my best not to be condescending or arrogant toward my neighbors, colleagues and associates. It is a harrowing and sometimes fruitless endeavor. It seems that I cannot help it in that no matter what I say or do, I still come across as a patronizing northerner.
I am a northerner through and through. I was born and raised in Pennsylvania and deeply imbued in urban, liberal values. I have now lived in the deep south for over 15 years and I still don’t get it. But I guess that’s OK on a certain level because they don’t get me. I reside in a small southern town that is very conservative (the white folks, that is) and with many people who are not afraid to put those principals front and center. The thing that troubles me the most however, is not the neanderthalic opinions that many of them hold, or lack of basic logic in some of their reasoning, but the simple expectation that they have in assuming that everyone around them feels the same, especially if you’re a white male.
I guess what I’m trying to get at here is a question for the community. How does one make peace in this situation, short of moving back north, which unfortunately is not an option? This peculiar trait of conservative southerners, of feeling that they’re in the majority and that their opinions are the norm in this country, can be rather grating. A good example of this characteristic is in one of the standard small talk subjects that I encounter frequently when I greet a new acquaintance. You are typically asked what church you attend. Now I may be different from most northerners, but where I came from, you never asked someone that you didn’t know well about their religion. But here in the buckle of the Bible Belt, it’s simple small talk, with the obvious assumption that you are a fellow God-fearing Christian (probably Baptist) soul seeking the Truth.
When I’ve tried to explain to my southern friends why this question can be considered rather offensive by some (northerners, at least) they become dumbfounded and cannot fathom why that question could possibly offend. To those folks who assume that all those around them believe, or at least believe the way they do, it’s meant as a friendly introduction. No harm intended. We’re all on the same page here, right?
Well, not to me. To me that is a personal question akin to asking someone about the condition of their marriage, or their sex life, or something along those lines. One’s religious beliefs, or lack thereof do not get discussed unless you volunteer them or the person you’re talking to is a close friend. What the average southern religious conservative doesn’t understand is that the question is not harmless – it implies a follow up. And that follow up is very often carried out. After asking which church, they will frequently invite you to try theirs. As if the brand of laundry detergent that they use might be better for your clothes than yours. It is that simple, and I use the word again, ASSUMPTION, that you’re open to seeing God from a different perspective, like seeking a new flavor of gum. The implication to me is that “you’ve got your religion all wrong and ours is better.” It is a subtle, yet searing indictment of one’s core values, but that easily remains unspoken.
I find this insinuation very crass and offensive but struggle to get southerners to see that. One’s religious convictions or lack thereof, are not something to be casually debated with a mere acquaintance. So I ask this community, have any of you ever experienced this and how have you dealt with it? Or am I just taking offense where none should be taken. I’m curious how others perceive this.
2:17 PM PT: I am truly humbled and honored by making the rec list and spotlight. I was just attempting to start a thoughtful conversation about religion without instigating a new civil war and the comments have been insightful and fascinating.