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#donaldtrump
#joebiden
#election2024
#community
#abortion
#gaza
#media
#kristinoem
#elections
#law
#democrats
#republicans
#openthread
#cartoon
#healthcare
#supremecourt
#labor
#russia
#election
#ukraine
#dogs
#dailykoselections
#education
#culture
#israel
#gop
#climate
#presidentialimmunity
#arizona
#scotus
deep state thoughts, by Jack Handy
by
Tortmaster
Community
(This content is not subject to review by Daily Kos staff prior to publication.)
Monday, Mar. 03, 2014
Monday, Mar. 03, 2014
at
1:07:24am PST
I walked into a corporation the other day, and the corpartist behind the counter asked, "Can I help you?" I said, "Sure, I need your help in bringing down this corporation." After some little more between the two of us, she called the police, and they turned out to be less helpful than expected. Boy, had she gotten that wrong!
My FBI file contains the word "boring" a lot, and it suggests that I "get a life." It also notes that I "dance around in my underwear too much" and that I'm "not much of a dancer." That last bit kind of hurt.
"At the NSA, our motto is, 'Just wait. We'll getcha!' But remember that there are over 7 billion people on the planet, 6.2 billion distinct phone numbers and 644,275,754 web addresses as of the middle of 2012, so please be patient. In the meantime, flip over your laptop and look at the number on the bottom. Is it something like '239866307342428999T32'? Well, we're on 3,116 now. So have a cup of tea. Go for a walk. We'll be right with you. Neeeexxxxxt."
My thoughts on anti-trust laws and monopolies go like this: Get the CEO in a big room with all of his or her employees, and if he or she can't tell you a name, whether the employee tells good or bad jokes, a convincing story about their cat or a decent gossipy rumor regarding at least fifty percent of the people there, then that corporation is at least too big by half.
I like how at the end of commercials for bad products made by unscrupulous corporations the announcer always tells me to "buy now" or "call now." Thanks! Without that prompting, I might never get around to buying bad products made by unscrupulous corporations. (Further note: How is it that
they
always seem to know the best times for me to buy and call? I'll have to ask a science guy.)
When did Banksters start trading derivatives and selling insurance? That can't be a good idea. Know your strengths, I always say. That's like when Quaker Oats went into the ballistic missile business and we had all those deaths.
I hope that one day I can go up to my boss and say, "You're getting no jokes today, mister. I'm not selling jokes any more. I'm selling 'Joke Derivatives.'" You see, Joke Derivatives won't be jokes at all, they'll be bets that investors can place on whether jokes will be funny or not. You will then be able to invest in Humorous Observation Derivatives (HODs) or Religious Humor Derivatives (RHDs) and such. I think that would be kind of cool unless we had another problem like the Great Joke Depression of 2010 or I stopped getting high so much and realized it was a silly way to make money.
I kind of feel sorry for corporations because they never get thanked for reducing prices or making better products much in the same way my dog is never praised for doing my taxes or selling real estate. Poor doggie.
Okay, this is what I want you to do: Go up into your grandparents' attic and pull out that dusty brown trunk from under the big pile next to the beam on your left. Start looking through all the old pictures, yearbooks, Farm & Fleet circulars, nude drawings of Grandma in the "DO NOT OPEN" envelope, recipes, newspaper clippings, and letters. No, I didn't say you could stop. Finish the whole trunk. Now you see how the NSA feels.
...except the NSA also has to watch all your stupid cat and baby videos because you might cut away sometime in the middle of the tape to give pertinent instructions for the Jihad. Then it's back to Toonces and more baby-drools-alot.
If you could replace each of the Republican Senators in the Senate with a Macaw that only said the word "no" and could push its beak down on the "no" button without mistakenly hitting the "yes" button, you could save the country a lot of money and save us from hearing a lot of bad justifications. What's a Macaw gonna say about its vote? Haha. Tricked you. The Macaw can only say "no," so it would only say "no" about its vote. But seriously, that's why we wouldn't want to train the Macaw to do too much else. Keep it simple, I say.
That day when the NSA helped to shut down the Iranian nuclear facilities with a computer virus? Good times. I wasn't there at NSA Headquarters that day, but I bet it was like when Apollo 11 landed on the moon, and all the mission control guys clapped each other on the back and smiled at each other. Or, maybe there wasn't a defining moment when the Iranian nuclear facilities' computers went down, so they all just got a nice commendation in their files a couple months later. I'm not sure, I wasn't there.
George Orwell wrote a book of fiction called "1984" that some say is coming true, even though his skill at prophecy can more or less be judged by the book's title. Still, in a "
Price Is Right
" kind of way, Orwell is on the money because he came closest to predicting the start of the surveillance state without going over. Another writer proclaimed that the world would end when a giant snake ate it. A book that I haven't read--unless you count being angrily quoted it, thoroughly, but piecemeal, over a number of years--claims that the hero's arch-enemy will rise to power, take over the world and lead us to temptation and deliver us to evil until the hero returns to teach everyone a final lesson about not fucking with him. Those are all in books. Also, there's this one about some joker who takes over Gotham City and blows up a hospital. Now
that
I could see happening. Yeah, but really, there are lots of books.
There oughta be a reasonable cap on the amount of interest a corporation can charge when it loans you money. Let the traditional Mob keep doing it the old-fashioned way. Consumer choice!
If I had to pick between surveilling your Facebook page or spying on one of the 154 known terrorist organizations around the globe, I would spy on the 154 terrorist organizations around the globe
and
surveil your Facebook page.
People probably shouldn't use words like "pol" to describe a politician because it's kind of derogatory, and I kind of like Government. Republicans don't like Government (or pretend that they don't), and they use that term a lot. Also, many politicians work hard and do good things. How would you like it if people from Mars invaded and started calling you "humie" or whatever derogatory slang they use for "humans"? Some humans work hard and do good things. See? Wouldn't be fair. For example, although I would be the first to surrender to the Martians and offer my services for their laundry, grooming or other unspecified labor needs, I would subsequently work hard and do good things for them, proving how unfair it would be,
to me
, to call all humans "humies." Of course, if I saw a changing tide in the battle--with the Martians starting to lose--I'd re-think my position, but it would have to be pretty clear cut because I ain't sticking my neck out for no humie.
I started dating American Express a couple of weeks ago. Her shareholders and CEO told me to stop--that it would never work out between us--but I said, "Corporations are people too, and we're in love." They put up a fuss, even tried to get the cops involved, but American Express hopped on the back of my motorcycle, and we left those squares in our dust, man.
?TV on what's wonder I ,well Oh !Fuck .backwards sentences my turning started NSA the when thing stupid another writing of middle the in was I