Last week, a Nebraska woman brought suit against “all homosexuals” in her capacity as “Ambassador for Plaintiffs, God and His Son, Jesus Christ.”
http://www.msnbc.com/.... Her handwritten complaint is romp through Crazytown, with her central contention that “homosexuality is a sin and that they the homosexuals know it is a sin to live a life of homosexuality. Why else would they have been hiding in the closet.”
Naturally, I thought I’d have some fun with this*.
IN THE UNITED STATES DISTRICT COURT
FOR THE DISTRICT OF NEBRASKA
SYLVIA ANN DRISKELL
Alleged Ambassador for God, and his Son,
Jesus Christ
Plaintiff,
vs.
GAY PEOPLE,
STRAIGHT ALLIES, and
PRETTY MUCH EVERY REASONABLE PERSON
IN THE UNITED STATES
(a/k/a “EVERYFUCKINGBODY”)
Defendants.
DEFENDANTS’ ANSWER AND AFFIRMATIVE DEFENSES
Defendants, GAY PEOPLE, STRAIGHT ALLIES, AND PRETTY MUCH EVERY REASONABLE PERSON IN THE UNITED STATES (hereinafter “EVERYFUCKINGBODY”), hereby file their Answer and Affirmative Defenses to the Complaint filed by Plaintiff, SYLVIA DRISKELL, filed (but not served) on or before March 1st, 2015, and in support thereof state as follows:
General Allegations
1. – 20. Without knowledge and therefore denied.
First Affirmative Defense – Lack of Standing
Defendants, EVERYFUCKINGBODY, are curious to know who died and made the Plaintiff God. Numerous crackpots throughout history have claimed to speak on His behalf (see David Koresh, Charles Manson, and Marshall Applewhite). Funnily enough, spectacularly shitty things have always happened in conjunction with that perspective. Defendants are particularly perplexed as to how Plaintiff will go about demonstrating her authority to represent God. Without His Holy signature on a Verified Complaint, Defendants have resorted to staring at burnt toast, old radishes, and bowls of mac and cheese for a sign. Any sign.
Second Affirmative Defense – Improper Venue
Defendants will admit that this one’s a toughie. Given the fact that a fair amount of hot, nasty gay action is happening all across the United States at any given time, venue is unclear. Judging from the slurry of Craigslist ads posted by in-the-closet GOP politicians, however, Defendants posit that venue should arise from where the most gay action is happening – the CPAC conference. Which means – D.C., baby. Hollaaa. EVERYFUCKINGBODY is happy about this, because depositions in Omaha? Bitch, please.
Third Affirmative Defense – No Service of Process
No one in New York, L.A., San Francisco, D.C., Atlanta, Miami, or Vogue headquarters has been properly served. Defendants, EVERYFUCKINGBODY, are rather bummed about this. Defendants demand to be served by process servers who are tanned and model-attractive, with minty fresh breath and clear, pleasant voices.
Fourth Affirmative Defense – Unclean Hands
Plaintiff name-drops Leviticus and Romans like she was trying to crash God’s Super VIP XXXX-clusive party with the free flowing Pierre Jouet and oyster bar. Speaking of shellfish, unless Plaintiff has abstained from all the other shit that is expressedly prohibited in Leviticus (pork, tattoos, divorce, adorning oneself with gold), Defendants, EVERYFUCKINGBODY, suggest that Plaintiff sit her ass down.
Fifth Affirmative Defense – Statute of Limitations
Judging from ancient homoerotic artwork prevalent in ancient Greece and Rome, Plaintiff is, oh…2,000 years past the statute of limitations, give or take.
Sixth Affirmative Defense – Failure to State a Claim
Plaintiff has failed to state any specific damages in her Complaint, other than numerous veiled references to God’s displeasure and the disintegration of society into a “Sodom and Gomorrah”-type scene (So bridge and tunnel. PLEASE). Defendants, EVERYFUCKINGBODY, would like to know why Plaintiff be trippin. After all, Plaintiff resides in Omaha, which already sounds like the fiery pits of hell.
Seventh Affirmative Defense – Breach of Contract
Plaintiff, in her self-appointed role as “Ambassador” for God and His Son, Jesus Christ, is in flagrant violation of one of the central tenets of Christianity – “‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ There is no commandment greater than these.” (Mark 12:31). Defendants would like to point out this mandate includes Plaintiff’s gay ass neighbors, Hillary Clinton supporters, soy-latte drinkers, vegans, Katy Perry, and That Nice Black Guy at Her Workplace. In short, Plaintiff is bound by the tenets of her religion to love EVERYFUCKINGBODY.
Peace out.
Dated: May 7th, 2015
/s/Everyfuckingbody
*Not filed, and not an actual pleading. Duh.