WOW! My very first diary, and it makes the rec list. I'm speechless...
OK, confession: I actually came out almost two years ago. I did it in a rush, coming out to virtually everyone I knew in just a few short weeks. I've marched in two Pride parades since then. And, God knows, I've posted enough LGBT-related material on Facebook so that even my most casual acquaintances have figured it out by now. But I've never shared my story in this public a forum before. I'm doing it today not because my story is unique, but because this type of story isn't told very often.
You see, I came out of my closet at the age of 69, after two marriages, because I just couldn't pretend any longer.
If you're interested, follow me below the orange gay curlicue.
I was born and raised in inner-city Boston and knew I was different from the age of 8 or 9. I knew I was gay at 12, but had no word to describe myself, But knew that I was somehow sone kind of cosmic mistake, and that I needed to stay hidden. So I overachieved at school, attending an all-boys academic high school for grades 7-12 (convinced that I would not survive in a co-ed neighborhood school).
I came of age before Stonewall. I was a teacher in CA in the 70's, when Anita Bryant and Congressman Briggs rolled out the Briggs Initiative, which would have barred homosexuals from teaching in the public schools. And teaching was (and remained for most of my life) everything to me. So I married and tried to live a 'normal' life.
Fast-forward 12 years... My marriage was ending, but not because I was gay--long story, not relevant here. But I thought, this could be my chance! It was 1984, I was living in the SF Bay area, and the AIDS epidemic blossomed. I lost workmates to the disease. And I thought, live as a gay man? No way. So I stayed in the closet, married again, and suppressed my true self.
Until two years ago. I was invited to a birthday party of a 23-year-old friend--another long story, not relevant here. He told me it was a chance to meet his new boyfriend. And I went because I love this young man as much as I could my own son, if I'd ever had any. And I met his boyfriend. And for several wonderful hours, I sat with these two young men watching their genuine and open affection for each other. And I cried all the way home. I cried not out of envy but out of regret at a life not lived with integrity and authenticity.
I came out to my wife a week later. And, almost two years later, I've let go of the regret at last (except of course, the regret for the hurt I've caused). It's taken therapy, and two support groups, but I'm here.
I know I'm not alone in this. So many of us have hidden ourselves for so long for so many reasons. For anyone looking for support with this, you may find what I did at Empty Closets. Or google 'married gay support' in your area. You may be as lucky as I was.
Peace.