Liz's Stratagem is adapted from Lysistrata, Aristophanes'anti-war play...an ancient Greek comedy in which the women of Greece attempt to prevent further war through the strategy of a sex-strike. The women have gathered and agreed to the strike, and have also taken the Capitol (and secured the Treasury, as well!)
Part 3's installment of Liz's Stratagem (© KPS 2012 ) offers:
Scene 3:The Men Attempt to Retake the Capitol
Scene 4: The Women Engage the Men in Combat
Scene 5: The Men Retreat; the Senator Joins the Battle
Scene 6: Hear Us
The first two installments may be read, here:
Liz's Stratagem, or War, What is it Good For?
Part 2: Liz's Stratagem, or, War, What is it Good For
Scene 3:The Men Attempt to Retake the Capitol
(In the darkness, USC, a Capitol Dome may be dropped in above the set)
CUE: FOG MACHINE
(ENTER from House: OFFICER, OLD MAN, SERGEANT, CORNELIUS, others carrying timbers, torches and mortars to storm the Capitol. They cross towards below DSC, with much puffing and coughing)
OFFICER
Go easy, men, go easy! You’ll bruise your shoulders with these damn heavy timbers. But forward men, forward! The need is urgent.
OLD MAN
In all my years, I never thought to see such action. Who’d have thought it? Our women, for whom we provide,
(overlapping) SERGEANT
. . .have brazenly seized our Capitol,
CORNELIUS
. . .and bolted the doors
OLD MAN
. . .to bar us from entering!
CORNELIUS
Come, men, there’s no time to lose; fire up a blazing inferno. . . burn these perfidious females out, every last one!
OFFICER
Their insubordination won’t go unanswered! They’ll not tarnish our medals or steal our glory!
SERGEANT
They’ll never laugh at me as long as I live, so help me…
(He coughs and hacks from the smoke)
CORNELIUS
Watch your footing, it's treacherous here.
CUE: More FOG/SMOKE
SERGEANT
Get that fire started, and make sure it doesn’t go out!
OLD MAN (In pain) Argh!! It’s no easy job. My shoulders are raw!
CORNELIUS (Blows embers, unsuccessfully)
Phew! phew! Nothing but smoke!
(Together)
CORNELIUS: Damn this fire!
SERGEANT: Damn this smoke! It bites my eyes like a mad dog!
OFFICER
Come on, hurry; it's now or never!
MEN (Coughing, they blow the embers)
Phew! phew!
OLD MAN
What a revolting fog!
OFFICER
At last! The fire’s alive and burning! Now, men, light your torches, and hurl ‘em at the gates. If the women don’t unbolt the doors, we’ll set fire to the works, and smoke ‘em out!
MEN
YEAH! They breathe in more smoke, coughing and hacking anew)
What dreadful smoke!
SERGEANT
What we really need is the loan of a general or two from Central Command.
OLD MAN
At least our packs are off our backs, for now.
OFFICER
Look to your fire!
(He holds his torch aloft, the MEN raise theirs in turn, they chant, overlapping)
MEN
O, EMBERS FIRE, AND KINDLE A FLAME
TO PUNISH AND BURN
REPROACHING THE SHAME
OF OUR CAPITOL
SEIZED BY WOMANLY PRIDE
THAT WE MAY IN TURN
RAISE OUR TROPHIES…. ……..INSIDE!
Scene 4: The Women Engage the Men in Combat
(As the men lower their torches, SAHARA, OLD WOMAN, and SOUTHLAND WOMAN ENTER, USC, on the walls of the Capitol, above; they see the smoke, below, and raise the alarm)
SAHARA
Smoke, smoke!
OLD WOMAN
I can see fire, too! Hurry! Or we’ll die!
SAHARA
Are we too late? (To SOUTHLANDWOMAN) Quick, run for water!
(SOUTHLAND WOMAN runs and exits for help)
WOMEN
Fire, Fire!
(Together)
SAHARA: Damn!
OLD WOM: Damn these old men!
(They stop short of the MEN, OLD WOMAN goes further, surveys the situation, returns to SAHARA)
OLD WOMAN
What if they’ve cut off the water supply?
SAHARA
Let’s hope that they haven’t thought of that, yet!
(SOUTHLAND WOMAN ENTERS with MYA, and WOMEN 1-3, with a water hose)
SAHARA
Here’s water at last!
OLD WOMAN
Quickly! Bring it on! A company of men has taken the wall, vomiting dreadful smoke!
(Overlapping dialogue follows)
SAHARA
Pour it on them!
OLD WOMAN
. . . You won’t reduce us to ashes!
MYA
….Send down a waterfall!
SOUTHLAND WOMAN
….Drench their bellicosity!
SAHARA
THUNDERING RAIN, BE OUR ALLY!
ALL WOMEN
CURE THEM OF THEIR WARRIOR’S FOLLY!
(WOMEN pour more water over the MEN, dowsing their fire)
CUE: MORE FOG/SMOKE
(The MEN fight back, reaching onstage, and catch one of the SAHARA’s heels)
SAHARA
Help! Let me go, you corpse!
WOMAN 1
Let go, you wretched old man!
OLD MAN
It’s true! There’s a stinging hive of bees swarming the Capitol!
OLD WOMAN
So we frighten you, do we? You’ve not seen our full strength yet!
OFFICER
Stop their cackling! Don’t take their flack!
SAHARA
Move back; they’re going to attack!
SERGEANT
You won’t talk so loud once I knock your teeth out!
SOUTHLAND WOMAN
Come on, I’m waiting right here for you.
OFFICER
Out of my way, or I’ll cut you down!
WOMAN 2
Don’t you dare touch her!!
OFFICER
And if we assault you, what will you do?
OLD WOMAN
We’ll tear out your guts with our teeth!
OLD MAN
The poets warned us of women’s malevolence!
SOUTHLAND WOMAN
Raise your pots!
OLD MAN
Accursed whore! What good is your water?
OLD WOMAN
You: “One-Foot-In The-Grave-Old Man,” what use is your fire? Is it for your cremation?
SERGEANT
No, a funeral pyre to roast Amazons upon!
MYA (To CORNELIUS)
I’m going to douse your flame!
CORNELIUS (Recognizing his wife)
You, put out my fire?—You!?
MYA
Yes, the sooner, the better!
CORNELIUS
I don’t know what’s keeping me from scorching you with this torch. . .
MYA (Pours water on him)
Here’s a bath to cleanse your filth.
OLD MAN
None for me; (To OLD WOMAN) give it to this old hag!
OLD WOMAN (Pours water on him)
Not for me: here’s to your burial!
OLD MAN
Burial? Did you hear that? What insolence!
OLD WOMAN
You’ll die sooner or later!
OLD MAN
You’ll hold your tongue yet!
WOMAN 1
Oh? You won’t live to sit among your peers!
OFFICER
Burn off their hair!
ALL WOMEN
Altogether, now!
(The women charge the men, emptying their pots; the men EXIT, complaining)
CORNELIUS
STOP!
MYA
Had enough?
OFFICER
Lay off! No more!
(The WOMEN destroy what’s left of the fire, EXIT, raising a ruckus!)
Scene 5: The Men Retreat; the Senator Joins the Battle
(OFFICER ENTERS ENTERS followed by The SENATOR,CORNELIUS, SERGEANT, and OLD MAN. The OFFICER and SENATOR stand a little apart from the enlisted MEN)
SENATOR
These unruly women! What an uproar they’ve raised, their texting and tweeting’s gone viral!
OFFICER
But, Senator, you haven’t heard the rest of the story: They abused us. . .
SERGEANT
. . . They insulted us!
OLD MAN
. and drowned us with floods of water!
CORNELIUS
We’re entirely drenched, looking for all the world as if we’d pissed ourselves.
SENATOR
They did well! But we men must share the blame for their bad conduct. It is we who have taught them to love self-indulgence, we who have sown the seeds of willfulness in their hearts.
(He steps forward, telling a story to the OFFICER)
You know the story where a husband goes into a shop: "Look, jeweler," he says, "you remember the necklace you made for my wife? Well, the other evening, when we were dancing, the catch came open. Now, I’ve got to leave town on business; can you come
over to the house to secure the fastening?"
(The SENATOR pushes the OFFICER back, pulls OLD MAN forward)
Or, the one about the husband who goes to the cobbler, a great, strong fellow, with a great, long tool. The husband tells him: "The strap of one of my wife's sandals
presses her little toe, which is extremely sensitive; can you come over at midday to
loosen the thing and strap it on properly?"
(He pushes OLD MAN back to the group of men)
Now, look at the results! You know I’m a Public Servant, and obliged to pay the troops. But where’s the money?
(The MEN ask each other down the line, “Where’s the money?” They answer each other, “I don’t know”—a la the 3 Stooges—to frustrated SENATOR)
Up there, in the Capitol! And these mutinous women have resisted our advances!
MEN
Oh!
(CORNELIUS tries to sneak off, away from the SENATOR’S anger)
SENATOR
We’ll punish their defiance!
Scene 6: Hear Us
(LIZ ENTERS, with MYA, CALLIE, SAHARA, SOUTHLAND WOMAN, WOMEN1-3, OLD WOMAN, and others; the WOMEN wear long shawls, carry baskets of vegetables, they spread out above the men, overhearing the last of the SENATOR’S comments)
SENATOR
(Pulls back CORNELIUS, who is drifting away) What are you doing, sniffing about for a bar? Get us some crowbars, and we’ll force their gates!
MEN
Yeah!
SENATOR
I’ll even lend a hand!
MEN
YEAH!!!
LIZ
No need to force our gates. You wanted to see us? We’re right here.
We’ve no desire for bolts and bars, locks and torture, only common sense.
(The enlisted MEN back up in fear)
SENATOR (To MEN)
Where’s my Sergeant? (Pulls the SERGEANT forward)
Sergeant, tie that woman’s hands behind her back!
(The SERGEANT is petrified but the Senator pushes him towards a WOMAN)
LIZ
If he touches her, I swear there’ll be more than one Private cut from the public payroll tomorrow!
(The SERGEANT tries to flee, but the Senator grabs him; the WOMEN cheer!)
SENATOR
What, are you afraid? Seize her, I tell you!
(He grabs CORNELIUS as well, pushes the MEN toward another WOMAN)
. . .grab her, and we’ll be done with this!
(MEN approach from R, and L, circling a WOMAN)
CALLIE
If you lay a hand on her, I’ll trample you underfoot!
(The MEN flee to the back of the line with their companions; WOMEN cheer!)
SENATOR
I hardly think so! Where’s my Officer? ---Bind that vixen first, who speaks so prettily!
(The OFFICER tentatively makes a move)
MYA
If you touch her at all, you’ll scream for a surgeon!
(As MYA approaches him, the OFFICER flees in terror)
SENATOR
Officer, seize her! Where are you off to? (Sighs) Do I have to do everything, myself?
(The OLD MAN is pushed forward, terrified)
OLD WOMAN
If you go near her, I’ll pull all your hair out!
(OLD MAN is so overcome, he crawls back to the MEN)
SENATOR
Inconceivable! My own officers desert me. Are we to let ourselves be overcome by a mob of women? NO! I say, NO! Close ranks and forward march!
(The MEN don’t budge)
LIZ
“Forward,” indeed! You’re up against fearless women, who will not yield!
SENATOR (Pushes MEN forward)
Forward, men, get them!
LIZ
Forward, brave hearts! Rain down a torrent of insults!
LIZ
(She gives a signal and the WOMEN pantomime pelting the men with objects from their baskets; the MEN pantomime being hit.)
WOMEN (Together)
AHHHHHH!!!
(Alternating, WOMEN speak/sing, overlapping, hurl epithets as they pantomime throwing objects at the men)
YOU SQUEALING, SQUALID SQUASHERS, SQUASH THAT!
YOU POOR PENNILESS PROFITEERS, BUY THAT!
YOU BILIOUS BUMBLING BUTCHERS, SLASH THAT!
YOU PITIFUL PYROMANIACS, BURN THAT!
YOU WOEFUL WOBBLING WARMONGERS, WHACK THAT!
YOU HORRID, HIDEOUS HACKS, CRACK THAT!
(The MEN run to and fro, eventually falling to the ground, protecting themselves. Only the SENATOR remains standing)
LIZ
Enough, enough! Retreat! Never plunder the defeated.
SENATOR (To MEN on ground)
What a fine day this has been for the Army! Get UP!
LIZ
So—did you think you were dealing with servants? Don’t you realize we’re free-born women of visionary spirit?
WOMEN (Cheering!)
YES!
SENATOR
Spirit? Yes, indeed . . .You’re intoxicated!
(The MEN get up and regroup around the SENATOR)
(The WOMEN JEER)
OFFICER
Senator, what’s the use of words. They mean nothing whatever to these wild beasts!
SERGEANT
Remember that detestable drenching . . .
OLD MAN
. . . that odiferous soaking.
MEN
. . .that they gave us!
SAHARA
What did you expect? You should never have laid hands on us!
SOUTHLAND WOMAN
And if you try it again, we’ll knock your eyes out!
MYA
Although, I’d rather stay home and mind my own business.
OLD WOMAN
But if you stir up the nests, beware the wasps!
(The OFFICER, CINESIS, SERGEANT and
OLDMAN face the audience, and CHANT)
OFFICER
WHO ARE THESE FEROCIOUS HARPIES?
CORNELIUS
OUT OF SEASON, OUT OF TIME
OLD MAN
FEARLESSLY SPEWING HERESIES
MEN
AND DECIMATING OUR LINES!
(The MEN stand more tightly together, step further Down Stage;
several WOMEN creep up behind them as they speak)
SERGEANT
WHY HAVE THEY SEIZED THE CAPITOL?
OLD MAN
WHY ARE THEY SO UNKIND?
CORNELIUS
SUCH BEHAVIOR IS UNTHINKABLE,
OFFICER
SENATOR, GIVE US A SIGN!
SERGEANT
YES, SENATOR, GIVE US A SIGN!
MEN
PLEASE, SENATOR! GIVE US A SIGN!
(Behind the MEN, the WOMEN RAISE PEACE SIGNS- which may be inscribed on their shawls; they yell, and chase MEN off; The SENATOR flees but is cornered; CORNELIUS is captured, brought back to Center)
CORNELIUS
Interrogate them, sir! It’s our only chance! Be careful, though; don’t let them pull the wool over your eyes!
(CORNELIUS twists free and EXITS)
(WOMEN alternately chant with CHORUS)
WOMEN
(Chanting alternately)
MASTERS OF WAR WHO ABHOR US
NOW YOU ARE FALLING BEFORE US
LET’S MAKE THIS PERFECTLY CLEAR
OUR WEAPON OF WAR IS NOT FEAR
WE ONLY WANT YOU TO HEAR US
YOU’VE NO REASON TO FEAR US
HEAR US, HEAR US ……HEaRE!
(Tune in for the next installment, beginning with Scene 7: The Debate between Liz and the Senator)