(The Third Way perspective, re-posted in full with permission from www.jackpineradicals.org)
There's been a lot of recent Moonbat Moaning about Debbie Wasserman Schultz (or DWS as we insiders call her): "Oh! She loses elections! Oh, she's OK with A POWERFUL WOMAN being President! Oh, she's stopping some old white guy from embarrassing himself by arguing with A POWERFUL WOMAN in public more than six times!"
This whingeing (notice the cool British spelling?) is a PERFECT example of why you people can only afford crappy ramen noodles and peanut butter, whilst people like me feast upon filet mignon on a bed of smashed potatoes with black truffles. I’m paid well not just because because Marc Mezvinsky once drank a bit too much and told me things, but also because I know how things really work in this real world that we really live in. And let me tell you that 2+2 doesn't always equal 4. Things are far more subtle than meets the eye, and DWS's ability to successfully lead our Party as DNC Chair is a perfect case in point. At first blush, her efforts may seem like the Titanic ramming the Lusitania with a hold full of nuclear weapons, but once you learn to think as we do, your jaws will drop in astonishment of her historic feats!
Let us begin our story when Howard Dean became DLC chair in 2005. Dean was green, but we figured that Rahm (as head of the DCCC) could teach him the difference between right and @#%$ing retarded by the time the 2006 elections hit. We didn't realize then that, like you Proles reading this, Vermont politicians have a hard time understanding how 2+2 doesn't equal 4, and we got in a whole heap of trouble.
The problem that was Dean wanted to win the thing! Idiot!
Prior to November 2006, life was delightful. Republicans held the White House and both houses of Congress, and we Democrats could credibly claim to be wonderfully and deliciously powerless! If you Proles wanted some Prole-stuff that might reduce the incomes of any Job Creators, we’d say "Sorry, we'd love to, but we have no power to pass legislation!". Since Republicans didn't have a supermajority, we could theoretically stop legislation to grab more of your stuff for the 1%; but that might cut down on contributions and goodies from the people who pay for my dog's orthodontist, so we could always count on Lieberman, Bacchus, and some other practical Democrat to help us out by voting with our good friends on the other side.
In short, we could ensure that our wealthy patrons could get whatever they wanted without any whingeing from you Proles who we need votes from. Until Dean. Oy, vey.
Dean came into office and crafted a brilliant @#$%ing strategy by which we'd actually run and back competitive candidates in every congressional race in all 50 states. He called it The 50-State Strategy. We called it 50 Shades of Oh Crap We're Screwed, for obvious reasons.
And we did “win” big: for the first time in more than a decade, we held majorities in both houses. It was awful. While we didn't have the Presidency and could still claim the inability to pass veto-proof legislation, it became harder to keep a straight face while telling you Lumpenproles that we couldn't possibly block Republican legislation.
Times were tough, but at least we knew we had something: we knew we could count on Hillary becoming the 2008 Democratic Presidential nominee, and surely we could ride her pantsuit-tails to losing the Presidency and both houses of Congress, no? We had a path forward, if we could just stick it out for two years.
Then things got even worse. First, Obama beat Hillary on the whole "Hope and Change" spiel that somehow worked better than Hillary's "Who the @#$% else ya gonna vote for, chumps?!". And, seizing the moment, Republicans took the opportunity to become so utterly unhinged and loathsome that some of our internal polling showed their approval ratings at less than zero percent. Less than zero percent!
Caught between a popular candidate and hyperawful opponents, the resulting 2008 election debacle left us with the Presidency and majorities in Senate and House. We even had a veto-proof majority in the Senate for months, God help us, until Massachusetts helped us out by electing Scott Brown.
Bereft of excuses, we had no choice but to pass some stuff to help you Proles out. We did what we could - slowing things down, passing a health insurance bill that was designed by Mitt Romney and the Heritage Foundation - but it just sucked.
But then, a miracle! DWS sat down in the DNC Chair, and things turned around faster than you can say "I'll make sure you win this time, Hillary"!
Debs immediately set herself to doing the impossible: creating an election juggernaut even worse than the Republican monstrosity. She recruited the most unelectable Democrats. She put together an internal fundraising think tank known as the Leonard Pinth-Garnell Group, that came up with astonishing schemes; who, for example, can forget the emails about DWS’s dogs not having Halloween costumes? It was brilliance, sheer brilliance. The Republicans did their worst, we Democrats did our worst, and when the chads cleared, we Democrats were once again America's Losers.
Huzzah! Huzzah!
I remember the thrill of hearing Mitch McConnell speak after our historic victory against victory. His voice was weak and quivered, the voice of a scared old man. A scared, old broken man who'd been stripped of excuses for doing nothing, brought to his little turtle-knees by DWS's epic work. Now he had to actually do something. Poor bastard.
I could go on to detail DWS's other great master strokes, particularly of her unbeatable plan to add the Presidency to our 2016 losses, but by now even you people should get the idea. DWS is our savior.
In fact, in DWS’s honor, we in the Third Way have added a fourth fundamental truth to our credo, which now reads:
War is Peace
Losing is Winning
Freedom is Slavery
Ignorance is Strength
So now you know why DWS is the greatest DNC Chair we have ever known, or will ever know. And the next time that wild-haired old WHITE MAN from Vermont tells you that peace somehow involves a lack of war, you’ll know EXACTLY what to do: accuse him of sexism and racism.
Regards,
Third-Way Manny