Back in high school I was on the speech/debate team. I started out in debate, and I wasn’t very good, though I did make it to state in humorous interpretation in my junior year — yay for me. So during a restroom break on a Saturday tournament, when I realized that the guy violently barfing in a stall, through nerves or hangover or flu, was an opponent I was scheduled to face in the next round, my thought was yes! Finally someone I can beat!
A swirling toilet bowl of vomitus brings me to Donald tRump.
I can’t even write his name. I’m going to call him Orange Orangutan, or OO for short. Since OO entered the race and his immediate rise to the top of the GOP pack there has been much rejoicing that he would be so easy to beat. Perhaps. But as someone who plans to vote for a Democrat, no matter who it is — no Hillary/Bernie pie fights right now, please, just hear me out — I don’t want an opponent who’s easy to beat. I want a Republican candidate who’s credible, not embarrassing, and doesn’t fill me with an urgent need to exorcize my demons with a Sam Kinison scream.
My contempt for OO is almost on par with George Zimmerman. Okay, sure, OO hasn’t murdered anyone in cold blood. OTOH, despite trying very hard to monetize his innate assholishness, sometimes weeks go by when GZ is not in the news, when he has not assaulted a girlfriend or threatened someone with a gun or tweeted a photo of someone he killed. Not so with OO. We are assaulted by him daily, and every time I think, is this what it’s come to?
I want the Republican party to be better than it is. Hell, I want the Democratic party to be better than it is. I want this nation to be better than it is. Yes, an orange feces throwing orangutan should be easy to beat in a general election. But what of that? Yes, your candidate wins, but you’re also covered in orangutan feces.
But what if OO isn’t that easy to beat? What then? There’s some disturbing hints that polling is underestimating the depth and breath of OO support. Jonathan Capehart of WaPo says there is a significant portion of people who are lying when they say they don’t support OO, because they are afraid of looking like drool-bucket wearing imbeciles.
“The study finds that Trump performs about six percentage points better online [38 percent] than via live telephone interviewing [32 percent],” writes Dropp, “and that his advantage online is driven by adults with higher levels of education.” That means Trump’s increased support is coming from better educated and wealthier people who appear to be embarrassed to have another living soul know they support Trump.
It’s a form of the Bradley effect, named after voters who said they were supporting the African American candidate for Los Angeles mayor, Tom Bradley, because they were afraid of sounding racist if they didn’t. I’m not sure this is a completely apt analogy, because Bradley was a politician with actual proposals for governing, whereas OO is an orange orangutan.
Another thing to consider is, if OO goes the distance, but loses in the general, we will still have TEN MONTHS of listening to this garbage, with serious minded pundits tut-tutting and sentient Americans having to go for bone replacement surgery because their jaws have hit the floor too many times.
But apparently only half of Americans are sentient. The other half is weighing us down like an ACME anvil. Consider the poll just out — Cripes I am so sick of polls — showing that only 50 percent of Americans would be embarrassed by OO if he were president.
I realize this is a glass half full/half empty situation, but only half? What the Actual Everloving F**K? Half would not be embarrassed by that?
No. Because OO is a celebrity. If OO is nominated, he might actually NOT depress Republican turnout, but boost it, and that of independents too. Anyone remember the recall election of Democratic Governor Gray Davis of California in 2003. He wasn’t much liked by anyone, but there was no reason to recall him. But in swooped ARNOLD, who, compared to OO, is like a love child of Churchill and FDR. And Arnold won. Big, big, turnout. Because celebrity. Because media. Because TV. Because stupid f***ing Americans.
It’s not just a Republican problem. I have some Republican friends and family members. They vote R as a rational choice. They like tax breaks for themselves and admit it. I guess I can’t fault someone for voting their own interests. They’re smart people, though curiously they’ve all gone dark on the 2016 race. There’s no rational reason for a Republican to vote for OO, because he hasn’t laid out any concrete proposals for anything. Even his Intro to Fascism plank is a bit undercooked, policy-wise. But they’ll vote for OO if they have to, tisk-tisking about how uncouth he is all the way to the polls.
Here’s another thing that should scare everyone, and bear with this extended rant please because I have a cold and I’ve been up half the night honking. Statistically speaking a Republican is favored to win in 2016. Historically the 20 percent of the electorate that ever swings, is more inclined after two terms of one party to give the other party a chance, all things being equal. Don’t make me look up the statistic, because I’m congested and impatient. Anecdotally, does anyone remember smart people who should have known better in 2000 saying, “Clinton was pretty good and things are fine right now but I might vote for Bush because I think it’s time to give the other party a chance”? I vividly remember several conversations like this, and having to stifle a Sam Kinison scream.
And if the economy tanks, or Obama’s approval dips — the approval rating of the outgoing POTUS is a big determining factor in who wins the next election, and again, please don’t make me link to it, but it’s easy to find — or God help us, there is another terrorist attack… You get the picture.
This election is about whether we are a Kardashian nation, mouths ajar, drooling at the TV, yearning to touch a celebrity, and deeply, aggressively ignorant, or whether we are a bit better than that.