Dear Scientists,
Ever since I read The Martian, I have blamed entropy for all of my problems, large and small. For example, if I get pulled over by the police, it was because of entropy. If I miss the garbage can with a wad of paper, entropy. You get the idea. Am I placing too much stock in the capabilities of entropy, or is the problem even worse than I feared?
Dear Scientists,
Will Science one day extend the human lifespan to as much as 200 years? Before you answer that, please consider this: How would you like to be married to Ted Cruz for 178 years?
Dear Scientists,
When somebody tells you that they're scared of heights, do you laugh at them and ask, "How about two feet?" Or, "six inches?" Do you then tell them that no, they aren't afraid of heights, they are afraid of some heights? Of course you don’t. A Scientist wouldn’t do that, but a lawyer would; and that's why people love Scientists and hate lawyers.
Bad Science Joke:
A Scientist and a Republican walk into a bar. The Republican says, "Guess what number I'm thinking." The Scientist asks, "Is it real or imaginary?" The Republican says, "Well, duh, it's in my head so it must be imaginary, Einstein."
Dear Scientists,
When you're back there in the Scientists' lounge, do you laugh at Christian Scientists? What about Political Scientists? Do you ever wonder why they didn't call them "Science Battles" instead of "Science Fairs?" That gets me to thinking, did they have Renaissance Fairs back in the Renaissance? I think they likely did but called them "Fairs." Is that correct, scientifically?
Dear Scientists,
Did you make π infinite so that we could all get a slice of π?
Thank you, Scientists! Thanks for putting up with the persecutions throughout history. Thanks for dealing with the inequitable amount of attention. You deserve so much more! Thanks for the Scientific Method. My goodness that was big.
Thanks for all of your discoveries and inventions. Thanks for the cures. Thanks for putting up with the inadequate and inequitable pay. (You know I'd take all of the banksters' money and give it to you and the teachers and the firemen and the firewomen, but then they'd put me in jail.).
Thanks for helping us better understand what is going on in our world. Thanks for the hours and days and months and years and decades of painstakingly complex work that has added to the body of our knowledge. Even if you discovered "nothing," you have shown us the path not to take. Thanks for conquering your egos and requiring peer review of your data and experiments. Thanks for fighting our battles for us (and not for them). We really need you now! Thanks for putting us on the internet and getting us to the Moon. Thanks for our children, many of whom would not be here today without your discoveries. Thanks for everything!