WTF does it matter in the long run anyway right? I'll be dead sooner rather than later no matter how you calculate it.
I grew up in a cloud of smoke. It hovered about four feet off the floor as my father and his friends sat there drinking beer and shooting the shit. I took my first drag at six. Some neighborhood kids had swiped a pack and I told them I'd tell if they didn't include me. When I was nine I started swiping my dads and one here and there soon lead to packs from the carton under the seat of his truck. He didn't notice at first of course and when he did he blamed my older brother.
When I was fourteen my dad used the can right after I came out and smelled the smoke. He searched me, but found only the dozen books of matches in my coat pocket. The box of Marlboro reds was tucked in the waist of my Levis behind my oversized belt buckle. The one time in my life I needed that old fuck to beat some sense into me and he couldn't bring himself to do it. He said he couldn't punish me for something he did himself.
Back then it was pretty easy for a kid to get cigarettes. If one store clerk wouldn't sell to you the next one would. They were less than a dollar a pack then, so finding the money was as easy as digging in the couch. I would skip lunch or walk instead of using the bus fare I was given. I always found a way.
Well here we are and it's been over 40 years since that first puff. In that time I've walked away from cocaine completely, overcome a serious alcohol problem, and only smoke pot socially anymore. I can't count how many times I've fought to get this particular monkey off my back, but it's still the hardest demon I've ever fought. Last night I finished my pack at 7 o'clock and made it past 11 when the gas station closed. I knew it wasn't going to be easy this morning, but I woke up feeling good about myself.
Then I found out that overnight I was the subject of much derision for a comment I made before going to bed. It's not their fault that I couldn't handle the irritation. I need to have a thicker skin if I'm going to play this game and participate here. They were just doing what kossacks do after all. It just made it easier for that demon to beat me. It gave me an excuse to cave. It's my problem. I have to deal with it alone, and I will.
But you wanna know what my big mistake was? What was the faux pas with which I brought down such ridicule upon myself?
I asked for a fucking link... lesson learned.
11:50 AM PT: I'm in the mood for some Johnny...