I thought tonight, after being sick the last few days, might be a good night would be a good time for a humor diary.
So....i submit a diary of jokes about my people. i am trying to just rely on written jokes, not video, since there are so many video jokes it could crash someone's system to load all of the great jewish comics, from Seinfeld to Mel Brooks and beyond.
So join me, put up your feet, and have a good laugh or two.
A woman on a train walked up to a man across the table. "Excuse me," she said, "but are you Jewish?"
"No," replied the man.
A few minutes later the woman returned. "Excuse me," she said again, "are you sure you're not Jewish?"
"I'm sure," said the man.
But the woman was not convinced, and a few minutes later she approached him a third time. "Are you absolutely sure you're not Jewish?" she asked?
"All right, all right," the man said. "You win. I'm Jewish."
"That's funny," said the woman." You don't look Jewish."
In a small village in the Poland, a terrifying rumor was spreading: a Christian girl had been found murdered.
Fearing retaliation, the Jewish community gathered in the shul to plan whatever defensive actions were possible under the circumstances.
Just as the emergency meeting was being called to order, in ran the president of the synagogue, out of breath and all excited. "Brothers," he cried out, "I have wonderful news! The murdered girl is Jewish!"
The census taker comes to the Goldman house.
"Does Louis Goldman live here?" he asks.
"No," replies Goldman.
"Well, then, what is your name?"
"Louis Goldman."
"Wait a minute--didn't you just tell me that Goldman doesn't live here?"
"Aha," says Goldman. "You call this living?"
Schwartz, an elderly man, is resting peacefully on the porch of his small hotel outside Boca when he sees a cloud of dust up the road. He walks out to see who could be approaching: It is a southern farmer with a wagon.
"Good afternoon," says Schwartz.
"Afternoon," says the farmer.
"Where you headed?" asks Schwartz.
"Town."
"What do you have in the wagon?"
"Manure."
"Manure, eh? What do you do with it?"
"I spread it over the fruit."
"Well," says Bernstein, "you should come over here for lunch someday. We use sour cream.
Feinstein returned home from a business trip to discover that his wife had cheated on him
"Who was it?" he roared. "That bastard Wolf?"
"No," replied his wife. "It wasn't Wolf."
"Was it Green, that creep?"
"No, it wasn't him."
"I know--it must have been that idiot Sherman."
"No, it wasn't Sherman, either."
Feinstein was furious. "Whatsa matter?" he cried. "None of my friends good enough for you?"
A Jewish lady's grandson is playing in the water, she is standing on the beach not wanting to get her feet wet, when all of a sudden, a huge wave appears from nowhere and crashes directly over the spot where the boy is wading.
The water recedes and the boy is no longer there. He simply vanished. She holds her hands to the sky, screams and cries, "Lord, how could you? Have I not been a wonderful mother and grandmother? Have I not given to Bnai Brith and Haddasah? Have I not tried my very best to live a life that you would be proud of?" A few minutes later another huge wave appears out of nowhere and crashes on the beach. As the water recedes, the boy is standing there, smiling, splashing around as if nothing had ever happened. A loud voice booms from the sky, "Okay, okay, I have returned your grandson.
Are you satisfied?"
She responds, "He had a hat."
Saul Epstein Was Taking An Oral Exam Applying For His Citizenship
Papers. He Was Asked To Spell "Cultivate" - He Spelled It Correctly.
He Was Then Asked To Use The Word In A Sentence.
He Brightened Up And Said, "Last Vinter On A Very Cold Day, I
Vas Vaiting For A Bus, But It Vas Too Cultivate, So I Took The Subvay Home."
" I had the strangest dream last night," a young Jewish man was telling his psychiatrist.
"I saw my mother but, when she turned around to look at me, I noticed that she had your face. And you can imagine, I found this very disturbing. In fact, I woke up immediately and couldn't get back to sleep. I just lay there in bed waiting for morning to come. Then I got up, drank a Coke, and came right over here for my appointment. I thought you could help me explain the meaning of this strange dream.
The psychiatrist was silent for a full minute before responding:
" A Coke? That's a breakfast?"
Goldstein had been going to the same restaurant for ten years. Every day he starts with the same thing, barley soup. One day, as soon as he comes in the waiter brings the soup over to his table.
"I want you to taste the soup," Goldstein says as the waiter starts to walk away.
"What's the matter?" the
waiter asks, "Every day you take the same barley soup."
"I want you to taste the soup," Goldstein repeats.
"You don't want the barley soup?" the waiter says, "I'll bring you something else."
"I want you to taste the soup," Goldstein says once more.
"Okay, okay, I'll taste the barley soup," says the waiter, wearily, "Where's the spoon?"
"Aha!"