In a stunning move that caught some of his most ardent supporters by surprise, Martin O'Malley, former Democratic governor of Maryland, stated that he is forming a third party instead of challenging Hillary Clinton in the Democratic primaries. Asked by reporters what his new party would stand for he said, "A new way forward, not back." O'Malley faced reporters at his campaign headquarters in Baltimore and answered questions.
Reporter 1: "Mr. O'Malley, what will you call your new party?"
"I will name it the O'Malley Party because that's what I named my band after."
"You named your band O'Malley Party?"
"No, sorry. I named my band after myself, as you may know, it's called 'O'Malley's March.'"
"Mr. O'Malley. Over here. I have a question."
"Yes."
"Some of the greatest rock bands of the century were not named after anyone in the band. The Beatles, Rolling Stones, hell, even the Hollies."
"So? That's too bad, but I've got to get my name out there somehow. Humor me, please. If you look at our Facebook site, we have 460 Likes. Not bad, huh?"
"Mr. O'Malley. Why are you taking the risk of forming another party?"
"Well, I've always been kind of a solo player, you know, with the guitar and all. Never really developed that gig beyond a solo prop, despite being in a band. So I'm looking to build on that.
I'm only at 1 to 3 percent in the polls right now, but as a third party candidate, I think I can get 6 or 7 percent of the vote. That would make me feel real good."
"Mr. O'Malley. You have some controversies in your past as governor and prior to that. Has this been a factor in your decision to go it alone?"
"Such as?"
"Well, for starters. The White House in 2014 was desperate to find locations for immigrant children who were streaming across the border from Mexico. Yet, you denied them entrance to Maryland just after a speech you made in support of doing everything possible to help immigrants."
"Now, wait a minute! The place you're talking about was not suitable for these children and I advised that churches and family members could take them in. Next question."
"So you think it was the right decision to deny these children the Westminster facility?"
"Yes, I do. They were not wanted in that community based on some graffiti that went up shortly after the White House, for reasons that are inexplicable to me, decided to leak the fact that I was an uncooperative governor. I wasn't the only one."
"Mr. O'Malley. "Did you renege on a bet with governor Mitch Daniels over a football game?"
"Well, the Ravens lost to the Colts and I was supposed to fly an Indianapolis Colts flag on my official car, which I sort of welched on, yes."
"You flew an old Baltimore Colts flag, didn't you?"
"Well, apparently you have the facts. I did send Daniels some crab cakes, which was also part of the bet."
"Can you be trusted?"
"More than Hillary? (We call her Billary around here, hehehehe.)"
"No, can you be trusted more than any other ambitious politician?"
"Next Question. This is getting silly. I have a lot of supporters who know me and they know I'm not Welch. I'm Irish."
"I have a question about your so-called 'Rain Tax' you implemented as governor. What's that?"
"What's your question?"
"What is a Rain Tax, sir?"
"Well, I know some critics liked to joke that 'When it rains, it pours tax dollars in Maryland' but that's a mischaracterization of an important tax. This tax was set up to clean up creeks and rivers after a heavy rain. Doesn't amount to much."
"But, governor, wasn't there a lot of opposition to this tax? A Facebook page was set up to fight this tax."
"Yeah, I know."
"And how many Likes did it have?"
"A few."
"Try 3,627 Likes."
"Ha! Maybe I should have named my band the 'Rain Taxers,' or some shit. But, it only affected nine counties in Maryland."
"And you taxed impervious surfaces?"
"Yes, such as rooftops and driveways. The bigger your roof, the more you paid."
"And how do you calculate that?"
"Complicated. Next question."
"Mr. O'Malley. Did you really compare the federal dollars provided to cities, which the Bush administration wanted to cut, to the suffering experienced during 9/11?"
"How so?"
"At a National Press Club conference you said, and I quote:
Back on September 11, terrorists attacked our metropolitan cores, two of America's great cities. They did that because they knew that was where they could do the most damage and weaken us the most, years later, we are given a budget proposal by our commander in chief. And with a budget ax, he is attacking America's cities. He is attacking our metropolitan core.
Did you say that? And weren't you criticized for this exaggeration?"
"Well, apparently, again folks, you have all the facts. I'm just a third party hopeful in the traditions of Ross Perot, George Wallace, and Ralph Nader. Can you cut me some slack?"
"I have a question. You said earlier that you like the solo thing. In addition to your guitar and banjo experience, would you say you learned another lesson about going solo when you were the Maryland campaign manager for Senator Bob Kerrey in the 1992 primary?"
"Well, I wouldn't say that was a solo effort. We had lots of help and won a number of votes."
"Isn't it true that Bob Kerrey didn't even campaign in Maryland during the primary - and that's what I'm alluding to, sir, he left you solo?"
"Yeah! And that's why he lost, dammit!"
"He lost big, didn't he?"
"Well, he didn't come in last, if that's what you mean."
"He came in next to last, right? Just ahead of Lyndon Larouche."
"Maybe. I forget. But, I also volunteered for Gary Hart in his bid for president. But, that went south because Hart told reporters to follow him around, they did, and found he couldn't keep his dick in his pants."
"And you regret he told reporters to follow him around?"
"Yes, hell yes! What an idiot! My staff says you're allowed one more question."
"Mr. O'Malley. Are you a conflicted Catholic?"
Pause..."Well, most Catholics are conflicted. Even the Pope is conflicted, I would imagine. It's a faith I believe in and have believed in all my life. That said, I did support gay marriage in Maryland which got the bishop upset. He sent me a private letter and I sent one back explaining my view."
"Is this the one where you said..."
I do not presume, nor would I ever presume as governor, to question or infringe upon your freedom to define, to preach about, and to administer the sacraments of the Roman Catholic Church. But on the public issue of granting equal civil marital rights to same sex couples, you and I disagree.
"Yes, that's it. In a private conversation, I told him he could shove it up his ass."
"And in 2006, you believed marriage was between a man and a woman?"
"Well, here again, you have all the facts. But, people can evolve and change on this."
"Like Hillary and Barack Obama?"
"I guess so."
"And you don't mind if Hillary Clinton is now appealing to left of center Democrats? Those Democrats you want everyone to believe you appealed to for years in public life?"
"She doesn't appeal to me, I can tell you that!"
"But, you're now a third party candidate. Why should that matter?"
"It doesn't. That's my point. I have some baggage, who doesn't? But as a third party candidate, you're not going to follow me around, right? I'm safe, I'll get some votes, and be in the game come 2020."
"Sounds like a plan, governor. May we ask your press people for an agenda and travel plans for the next week?"
"What agenda? I'm just gonna be out there making speeches and sounding as attractive as I can sound without really getting in the game. It's called a gig, a one night stand in band parlance. If you don't like it, you don't have to listen. How's that?"
"Thank you, Mr. O'Malley."
"Thank you."