From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE…
Yesterday's emails from the Rand Paul campaign:
Bill – Tuesday I announced I'm running for President of the United States of America because I want to defeat the Washington machine. … we need your help today, right now, to help fuel our campaign to defeat the Washington machine. Will you contribute $25, $50, $100, $250, $1,000, or even the maximum $2,700? Thank You.
Rand Paul
Sent from my iPad
Alexandra -- Can you please follow up with Bill?
I've sent two emails regarding our "Stand with Rand" Money Bomb and haven't heard back. I'm counting on Bill's support, so please send an email right away. With his support, we can defeat the Washington machine and take our country back. In Liberty,
Rand
Sent from my iPad
Bill, Rand asked me to email you.
Is everything ok? He announced his candidacy for President of the United States, and I know he is counting on your support for the campaign's "Stand with Rand" Money Bomb. However, our records show you haven't made a contribution. So please chip in your most generous contribution to the "Stand with Rand" Money Bomb immediately. In Liberty,
Alexandra
Bill, what is going on??? Alexandra tells me our campaign team has been banging on your door for an hour and a half. We know you're on the couch because we can see the back of your head from the street. Please come down and donate to our "Stand With Rand" Money Bomb. We can't do this without you! In Liberty,
Rand
Sent from my iPad
Bill, we know you're faking your "heart attack." The EMTs we called in can see you giggling when they try to do CPR on you. Look, our campaign is NEVER going to fly if you don’t pony up the $5, $10, $500, or maximum $2,700 donation we need NOW. Rand is very upset and has started throwing chairs. Alexandra is in an ice-cream-induced coma. I'm running this place alone. Please click now and CONTRIBUTE! In Liberty,
Matt
Bill, never mind. Thanks to you, our campaign is dead. You just crushed our dream of defeating the Washington machine and unleashing the real America or whatever the hell that now-worthless slogan was. THANKS A LOT YOU BUM! In Liberty,
Rand
Sent from my 10 year old PC with Windows 95 because I had to pawn my iPad
P.S. But if you make a donation in the next five minutes, we might be able to power back up! Do it NOW!
I'll think about it.
Cheers and Jeers starts below the fold... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
Cheers and Jeers for Thursday, April 9, 2015
Note: For what it's worth (a free case of Aqua Buddha aftershave?), the first three emails above are real. I can't wait to see how over-the-top the Paul campaign gets to secure my donation. I'm half-expecting "Give now or we'll shoot this dog" next. To be continued...
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The Cod Fish Relay starts in 15 days!
By the Numbers:
Days 'til the next new moon, when World Net Daily "scholars" will claim Obama has made it disappear via Kenyan sorcery as prophesized in The Bible:
9
Days 'til the
Boothbay Harbor Fishermen's Festival in Maine:
15
Increase in job openings in February:
3.4%
The last year job openings were this high:
2001
(Source: Labor Dept.)
Percent chance that DirecTV stopped running its Rob Lowe commercials just days before it got spanked for making false claims about having greater signal reliability, better picture/sound quality and shorter customer service wait times than cable:
100%
(Source: L.A. Times)
Amount for which Maine resident Don McLean's original manuscript of
American Pie sold at auction:
$1.2 million
Number of weeks
American Pie spent at #1 on the U.S. singles chart in 1972:
4
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Your Thursday Molly Ivins Moment:
[T]he commercial advertisements are nothing compared to the political propaganda that blooms in the spring, tra-la. Our great nation has a remarkable number of groups and politicians eager to persuade you that you are hideously, horribly burdened beyond right or reason by a rapacious government that strips you of all your hard-earned gains and leaves you standing naked in a barrel while your wife and children starve in a nearby gutter.
But as Jane Bryant Quinn points out in a recent Newsweek piece, 'tain't necessarily so. According to the U.S. Treasury, four-person families earning the median wage ($55,000) will pay 7.5 percent of it in federal income taxes this year — the lowest level in 30 years.
---April 1999
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Puppy Pic of the Day: Lassie wasn't around, so this time firefighters had to rescue Timmy from the well themselves.
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CHEERS to a civil end to a most uncivil war. Big anniversary in America today. On April 9, 1865---150 years ago today---Robert E. Lee surrendered to Ulysses S. Grant at
Appomattox Court House in Virginia, effectively ending the south's War for the Preservation of Owning Humans. Thousands of commemorators will descend on the area to
take part in reenactments and other events, and at least one liquor store will
give the North something to toast with and the South something in which to drown their sorrows. A few years back a demographic historian concluded that the death toll of the war was
much higher than originally thought---750,000 versus the original 620,000. Sadly, another number has also had to be extended far beyond its original estimate: the number of years it's taking too many people in the South to admit they lost and put away that damn flag. (As any child who's ever taken a test knows, X means "wrong.")
One of Sara R and winglion's works of art.
CHEERS to you, the Generous Orange Satan. My partner Michael (aka Common Sense Mainer here) and I were really touched when Sara R informed us that one of her world-famous community quilts was in the works for him on Tuesday. Michael found out earlier this year that
he has the dreaded COPD, which basically makes you feel like someone is slowly trying to strangle you to death. (Or, as one of the COPD drug ads suggests, like an elephant is sitting on your chest, something I equate more with what Republicans are doing to America. But I digress.) The strangler made its appearance a few months ago, and let's just say that "watching someone you love gasp for air" won't be appearing on my bucket list anytime soon. At this point he and his various docs are still figuring out exactly how extensive it is (A CT Scan is in the works), and yesterday he finally found an inhaler that actually does some good (and, coincidentally, doubles as a great way to kill pesky house flies), so that should mean steady sailing for awhile. It's humbling to see all the nice comments, and if you'd like to add your name to one of the quilt panels for Michael, you can
visit Sara's post here. So far the most valuable lesson I've learned from this health scare is less about patience and the power of love and more…oh, how to put this delicately: fuck getting old.
CHEERS to the travelin' POTUS. Yesterday President Obama strapped on Jetpack One and blasted off for Jamaica. Here's his schedule, courtesy of The Obama Diary:
Obama and Castro have met once
before, at Mandela's funeral in 2013.
Today: The President will hold a bilateral meeting with Prime Minister Portia Simpson-Miller of Jamaica and participate in a meeting with Caribbean Community (CARICOM) leaders. He will also participate in a town hall with young leaders.
Friday: The President will hold a bilateral meeting with Panamanian President Juan Carlos Varela and participate in the Summit of the Americas CEO Forum. In the evening the President will attend the Summit of the Americas Opening Ceremonies.
Saturday: The President will attend official Summit of the Americas events.
Also on his agenda, from what I understand: a Saturday meeting with Raul Castro. Both agreed it was very important to meet face to face so as to resolve important questions, such as "How do we thaw relations responsibly," "What kind of timetables can we realistically expect," and "Which Republican's head will pop off his body first when he sees us shaking hands?" (For the record: Raul's money is on Marco Rubio, Obama's is on, of course, Steve King.)
JEERS to killer scumbags. A couple developments in the world of idiots who take lives. First, the Tsarnaev brother who still has a pulse was found guilty of all charges in the 2013 Boston Marathon bombing yesterday, and he may end up on death row if they impose the harshest sentence. I think he's a gullible dumbass suffering from big-brother worship and they should just lock him away in a room with nothing but Duck Dynasty reruns. Then there's the (now-VERY-former) police officer Michael Slayer Slager in South Carolina, who looked like it was just another day on the practice range when he shot 50-year-old Walter Scott in the back. So much wrong when you watch the video:
Guaranteed to be one of
the iconic images of 2015.
> Eight bullets in rapid succession, which is probably more than Europe, Japan and Canada's police will fire all month combined.
> It kinda looked like a neighborhood there. How fortunate that none of those eight bullets didn’t end up lodged in some kid's skull in the next lot over.
> And what a shitty shot if you think you need eight pulls of the trigger to wing a guy at not-far-from-point-blank range. It looked like he thought he was playing a video game.
> Then, in a nice bit of cover-uppery, he told the dead guy to put his arms behind his back so he could cuff him and, from the looks of it, tried to plant his taser next to the guy. He sure looked comfortable doing that.
And a big gold star to
the guy with the cellphone camera who shot the cop. Now
that's what I call good aim.
CHEERS and JEERS to the topple seen 'round the world. Remember all the hullabaloo when that Baghdad statue of Saddam Hussein was pulled down shortly after we shocked 'n awed Iraq? Believe it or not, that was 12 years ago today. I remember wincing when a U.S. soldier, unfamiliar with the concept of "How Things Look from the Liberated Folks' Perspective," tried to tie an American flag around Saddam's head, and drumming my fingers on my desk as the Iraqis took for-freakin'-ever to try and yank the statue down by hand. They finally decided to let our troops attach a rope from Saddam's finger to a tank, which pulled it down in mere seconds as the crowd made crude fart noises (proving that, no matter what country you're from, that gag never gets old). They then beat it with shoes as it was dragged around the square like a cat toy. But, as with so many aspects of that war (like the reason for starting it), things weren't exactly as they seemed. The press made it look like the entire city was there celebrating. In reality, it looked more like the size of the tea party caucus at a MENSA meeting:
If you're hyperventilating from the shock of being misled by the media, breathe into a paper sack for a few minutes. It'll pass.
CHEERS to swing time. The Masters golf tournament starts today in Augusta, Georgia. (Jack Nicklaus got the ball rolling yesterday when he made a hole-in-one at age 75.) Defending champ Bubba Watson is going for his third green jacket, although all eyes will at first be on Tiger Woods, who missed last year's event after he sprained his back during a moneybag-lifting injury. I know, I know...the Masters is elitism, sexism and corporatism writ large, but it's a gorgeous course and fun to watch. Besides, what would life be without a few conflicting values every now and then? It helps keep my teeth ground down.
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Ten years ago in C&J: April 9, 2005
JEERS to learning from the past...or not, whatever. In his book, "In Retrospect: The Tragedy and Lessons of Vietnam" (released 10 years ago today), former Secretary of Defense Robert McNamara wrote that he and other American leaders had been "wrong, terribly wrong" about the war. Donald Rumsfeld won't need to write a mea culpa himself---he can just photocopy McNamara's book and slap his name on the cover. Gosh, yes.
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And just one more…
CHEERS to the beastmaster. Jim Fowler, the guy who always---so the myth goes---had to do the dirty work on Wild Kingdom while Marlin Perkins sat in the truck drinking whiskey sours turns a year older today. Fowler was a childhood icon of mine, and I can still hear the "Ka-chunk ka-chunk" of the TV channel changer on Sunday evenings. He's a smart guy:
"Almost all of the social tragedies occurring around the world today are caused by ignoring the basic biological laws of nature ... The quicker we humans learn that saving open space and wildlife is critical to our welfare and quality of life, maybe we'll start thinking of doing something about it."
He's still active, too, as you can see in
his TED talk from last October. And though he aimed to save and protect animals, he killed in one arena. Namely, Carson's comedy sanctuary:
Happy 83rd birthday, Jim. And blessings on your camels or whatever creature you happen to be wrangling at the moment.
Have a nice Thursday. I have to go out now and---oh, take a guess---SHOVEL MORE SNOW!!! Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial:
"Cheers and Jeers may not be for you---but someday soon, it will change your world."
---The New York Times
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