From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE…
Late Night Snark: May Flowers Edition
"Violent thugs run amok in the streets of Baltimore. But enough about the police department."
---Larry Wilmore
Chief Justice John Roberts at Tuesday's marriage hearing: Every definition that I looked up, prior to about a dozen years ago, defined marriage as unity between a man and a woman as husband and wife. … You’re not seeking to join the institution, you’re seeking to change what the institution is.
Jon Stewart: The institution of marriage has almost never not been changing! Before the last century, marriage wasn't "one man and one woman." It was "one man and his new piece of vagina property." Change can be good!
---The Daily Show
Aaagh! These mystery alien invaders are popping
out of the ground in Maine! Run for your lives
while I beat them over the head with a stick!
"Donald Trump may be running for president. He said he is sick and tired of the rest of the world laughing at the United States. Well, President Trump will certainly put an end to that!"
---David Letterman
"While covering the earthquake in Nepal this week, CNN correspondent Sanjay Gupta helped medical personnel perform brain surgery. Gupta said he was excited to work with brains again after being at CNN for so long."
---Seth Meyers
"I'm not going to tell you politicians how to do politics. That would be like you guys telling me what to do with my body."
---Cecily Strong at the WH Correspondents Dinner
"A U.N. study claims the happiest country in the world is Switzerland. When asked why they're so happy, Swiss people couldn't answer because their hands were counting money and their mouths were full of chocolate."
---Conan O'Brien
And one year ago on
The Daily Show, this classic:
Clip of rancher Cliven Bundy defending his racist comments: If I say 'negro' or 'black boy' or 'slave' [and] those people can not take those kind of words and not be offended, then Martin Luther King hasn’t done his job yet.
Jon Stewart: Yeah…it's his fault! Why did that guy quit before finishing his job? Somebody should call him and tell him to stop slacking and get back to work.
Don't forget that the U.S. military will be
occupying Daily Kos tomorrow from 11amET/8amPT until whenever we boot 'em out and ring them freedom bells from Concord Bridge in New Hampshire. Meanwhile, your west coast-friendly edition of Cheers and Jeers starts below the fold... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
Cheers and Jeers for Friday, May 1, 2015
Programming Note: Due to mothball-sniffing cottage-opening season in Maine, C&J is going to be experiencing some spotty outages in the next ten days. There will be no C&J this Monday (May 4), next Friday (May 8) or the following Monday (May 11). During our absences, Meteor Blades and Georgia Logothetis have graciously agreed to be totally pissed about me going over their heads to Kos, who is making them build a fancy cee-ment pond in their Abbreviated Pundit Roundups, complete with water slide and artificial waves. So be sure to drop in and say hi. And bring a safety inspector with ya. That oughtta be hilarious. ---Mgt.
-
7 days!!!
By the Numbers:
Days 'til
International Tuba Day:
0!!!
Days 'til the
Colorado Chocolate Festival in Denver:
7
Factor by which children who were bullied by other kids were more likely to have mental health issues as adults than children who were abused by adults:
4x
(Source: Avon Longitudinal Study published in
The Lancet)
Estimated portion of Nepal's 28 million people directly affected by the earthquake:
1-in-3
Rank of Nepal among poorest nations in Asia:
#2
(Source: Bloomberg News)
Average increase in auto insurance premiums last year, according to AAA:
9%
Age that ABBA's
Dancing Queen---who was "only 17" when the song came out in 1976---would be today:
56
-
Puppy Pic of the Day: Dayo and Pancake
-
May 15: Mad Max is back, mate.
CHEERS to May! The month of flowers, Mom's Day, Armed Forces Day, Victoria Day, National Pet week (starts Monday!) "End of the Middle Ages" Day (May 29---for Republicans it's a day of mourning), and Cinco de Something or Other. It's National Hamburger Month for carnivores and National Salad Month for vegans. Britain gets a Bank Holiday---or as the banksters call it here, "a day ending in y." Memorial Day weekend kicks off summer in 21 days. Full moon arrives on the 4th, so mark your calendar to look up and wink at Neil Armstrong that night. And the 18th is going to be HUGE for Duran Duran fans: a new moon on Monday. As usual, today's highlight was the Daily Kos contributing editors in their frilly best dancing around the Maypole. Also as usual, they ended up with a bent pole and a huge granny knot.
CHEERS to the history gods atoning for Calvin Coolidge. Yesterday Vermont Senator Bernie Sanders announced his presidential run, although the formal balloons-and-bunting kickoff won’t happen until later this month. He has more smarts about the positive role government can play in people's lives than every Republican breathing today (and a whole swath of mushy-middle Democrats if we're being honest about it), and last night even Jon Stewart was reduced to mocking Bernie's hair and relative obscurity for his laughs. Chances are you already know what his signature issue will be. But if not, here's a snarky clue you'll find at the bottom of his campaign's home page when you go to register for updates (and make a wee donation?):
PAID FOR BY BERNIE 2016
(NOT THE BILLIONAIRES)
"Pay no attention to him---he's just a puppet of the moochers," mouthed the Republican candidates with the billionaires' hands up their butts.
CHEERS to throwing New Jersey's governor an anvil. U.S. attorney Paul Fishman, who has held his cards
very close to the vest 'til now,
issued indictments against two of the Bridgegate scandal's most odious figures: Bill Baroni and Bridget "Time for some traffic problems in Fort Lee" Kelly. Plus he secured a guilty plea from David "Got it" Wildstein. All three are---or
were---good buddies of Chris Christie. Yes, the same Chris Christie who will never get to holler at reporters during a White House press briefing.
CHEERS to "Things That Stick" for $400, Alex. 104 years ago this Sunday, after being declared unconstitutional in four states, Governor Francis McGovern signed the first workers' compensation law to withstand judicial scrutiny. Guess which state he governed. Yup, good guess---Wisconsin:
Thanks, Guv.
In its 1911 report on worker’s compensation, the Wisconsin Industrial Insurance Committee appointed by the 1909 legislature stated that the objectives of the Wisconsin Worker’s Compensation Act were to:
1) Furnish certain, prompt and reasonable compensation to the injured employee.
2) Utilize for injured employees a large portion of the great amount of money wasted under the present (liability) system.
3) Provide a tribunal where disputes between employer and employee in regard to compensation may be settled promptly, cheaply and summarily.
4) Provide means of minimizing the number of accidents in industrial pursuits.
To mark the milestone, labor leaders will honor the day by doing everything they can to prevent Governor Scott Walker from getting wind of it and ramming its repeal through the legislature. (They'll shuttle him to Chuck E. Cheese's for several hours---never fails.)
CHEERS to mirth panels. Here's something you'll "Marvel" over: tomorrow is Free Comic Book Day at participating comic book shops around the country. The annual event honors "an original American art form, created in the early days of the twentieth century." You can choose from action fare like The Avengers and Strike Force 5, and classics like SpongeBob and The Simpsons. Or, for pure childish fantasy that'll keep you laughing, you can't go wrong with Pokemon or The 2015 Republican Budget.
Wow. 84 years young.
CHEERS to a memorable growth spurt. On May 1, 1931, the
Empire State Building was dedicated. It was the tallest building in the pleasant village of New York until 1972, when the World Trade Center rose above it. It regained its "tallest" status in the worst possible way 28 years later. But today it plays third fiddle to the
new One World Trade Center tower and the luxury apartments of
432 park Avenue. There, there, Empire State---if it's any consolation, King Kong always liked you best.
Odds-on favorite at
tomorrow's Derby.
CHEERS to home vegetation. I'm told the big TV event this weekend---if you don't include Floyd Mayweather and Manny Pacquiao beating their brains out---is the
Kentucky Derby tomorrow. As usual, my money's on the old gray mare with the rocket shoes. But first the weekend starts tonight with
Whose Line at 8, Rachel at 9 and then HBO's
Real Time, where Bill Maher talks with Joseph Stiglitz, Former. Rep. Jane Harman, Dan Senor, DL Hughley and Garry Kasparov. New
DVD releases include Wes Anderson's
Inherent Vice. Sports schedules: baseball
is here, the NBA playoffs
are here and the Stanley Cup playoffs
are here. Scarlett Johansson hosts SNL. Sunday night on
Game of Thrones, the Starks introduce the first beheading block with a cup holder. And on
Last Week Tonight, John Oliver investigates John Oliver and ends up inciting a worldwide boycott of himself.
And here's your Sunday morning chattering class lineup. Along the way, let's tally the sightings of Democratic presidential candidate Bernie Sanders, keeping mind the total slobberfests these guys have had with Republican candidates:
Meet the Press: House Speaker and person of color John Boehner opines on the racial unrest in Baltimore; Former Maryland Gov. Martin O'Malley; roundtable with Wes, Tom, Kim and April. (April? In May? Really???) Bernie sightings: 0
Bernie gets his closeup
Sunday morning on ABC.
This Week: Bernie!!! Plus: Sen. Tim Scott (R-SC) on the best way to slash and burn the social safety net and starve educational support to give Baltimore a brighter future; Rep. Elijah Cummings (D-MD) offers more constructive ideas; roundtable with Bill, Bill, Katrina and Dana. Bernie sightings: 1
Face the Nation: NAACP president Cornell William Brooks on Baltimore; Rep. Paul Ryan (R-WI) on how he's adjusting to political irrelevance; CBS News's Seth Doane reports from Nepal; roundtable with Sherrilyn, Ramesh, Michele, Wes and Michael. Bernie sightings: 0
CNN's State of the Union: No idea, because they haven't updated their web site. For being so slackerly, we're preemptively assuming 0 Bernie sightings. (If we're wrong, we promise to issue a correction by the end of the decade.)
Fox GOP Talking Points Sunday: Maybe-presidential-candidate and Ohio Gov. John Kasich (R); roundtable with Brit, George, Sheryl and Juan. Bernie sightings: 0
Total Bernie sightings:
1. A humble but promising start. Happy viewing!
-
Ten years ago in C&J: May 1, 2005
JEERS to Pat Robertson. Somebody tell me again...why does this nut deserve a cushy interview segment on This Week with George Stephapalooza?" At least there was one point of high comedy: after all the fundy butt-kissing during the Schiavo debacle and 'Justice Sunday' that Senator Bill Frist engaged in, he still didn't get an '08 prez endorsement from the godfather of soul-savers...but Rudy Giuliani did. Ouch.
-
JEERS to the other date which will live in infamy. Putting this little bit of history down here in the cellar where it belongs. Twelve years ago today our steely-eyed chief warrior, Commander Codpiece, who'd lied his pantaloons off to get his country to approve going to war with another country that hadn't done a thing to us, dressed up in a flight suit and pretended to fly a plane out to an aircraft carrier, where he made a victory speech under a banner that said MISSION ACCOMPLISHED. And oh how the pundit class swooned:
Bush practicing for his
future life as a painter.
"Well, that was probably the coolest presidential image since Bill Pullman played the jet fighter pilot in the movie Independence Day."
---Joe Klein
"Speaking as a woman, and listening to the women who called into my radio show, seeing President Bush get out of that plane, carrying his helmet, he is a real man."
---Laura Ingraham
Here's a president who's really nonverbal. He's like Eisenhower. He looks great in a military uniform."
---Chris Matthews
In fact, winning the war was
so much fun that Commander Codpiece went on winning it for another eight years until his successor decided that enough winning had been won. When it was all over, hundreds of thousands of people had
lost their lives, limbs and minds and Commander Codpiece's taxpayers were on the hook for
upwards of six trillion victory dollars. Oh, and filling the vacuum Commander Codpiece created is a nightmare army of ISIS Orcs whose favorite things in the world are raping women and burning people to death in cages. But the important thing is, Commander Codpiece and the very serious pundit class are living happily ever after to this very day. The End.
Have a great weekend! Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
-