FOREWORD BY OTTERAY SCRIBE (her father):
Her full name is Brandi Nicole Stanley.
I am her father.
Remember her, please.
She never wrote a diary after registering, because she never thought it would be good enough, or that someone might not like it. Not that she didn’t have ideas and opinions. She did. She did not suffer fools, especially bullies, or those who were unkind to animals and the handicapped. She never met a stranger, and ‘picked up strays’, both two and four legged. She lived her life by the adage Wee Mama uses for her sig line. The Golden Rule.
She left us forever the evening of Memorial Day. Last week, while lying in the bed provided by Hospice, she began to speak. I was on one side of her and Joy of Fishes on the other. As she spoke, JoF grabbed her notebook and began writing frantically, taking down as much as she could. The monster had invaded her brain and lungs by this time, so speaking was difficult. She was having difficulty articulating. We had to listen carefully to understand what she was saying.
These two speeches by a young 26-year-old woman who knew she was dying are worthy of a diary in her own name. DKos administrators agreed, and I thank them for that, especially elfling.
The following is a verbatim transcript of her words as the CelticLassie spoke them.
First Soliloquy May 22:
[OS was brushing her hair]
Everyone needs family
Everyone needs a hug
Everyone needs something
Nobody should die alone
Everyone needs someone to catch them
[OS - Do you feel alone?]
Not any more.
I am not going alone, and that's the truth.
My time is not done yet.
I got more to give.
[OS - You have given an awful lot, more than you know.]
Not enough.
I go the distance.
I am not a quitter.
I am not a quitter.
I will walk again wherever it is.
[Holding Cross grasped in her left fist, her left arm shot straight up.
Drawing on reserves from deep inside, she began speaking with a strong clear voice]
To the women of the world
Try the best
I love you mom
Put your arms around your perfect girl and boy
Love them
Tell them how perfect they are
One day you might not have them.
Amen.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Second soliloquy - Very early in the morning on May 23:
I promise god, I swear to you
[Speaking to OS]
I found my life between you and mama I swore that I would not go down without helping you and her succeed. Anything you need is done anything you need yours
I made a vow while I was under that I would keep you safe and I meant it by god I mean it no more asking no more doing no more ... I should be able to do this I am 25 26 years old you need something i am at your doorstep quickly. Dad I need you in my life. Its my turn to give back more to you. The airstrip place what he gets he wants
How do I .... oh god you know what I mean daddy you know exactly what... just please just know know get some more heat please
I want a ... because it’s my turn, my dad's turn dad live for this long enough time for him to find a vacation home nice vacation just go just be family all together just family that's all I want is family OK why is it hurting so bad why is it hurting so bad oh my god oh oh oh please everybody just give me help me please just help my I'm not ready to die it’s not my time it’s not my place it’s not I'm not ready please if I screw up send me some kind of truth that I've screwed up I just need to know that my dad is next to me. my mom is already in heaven.... so many I want to save my dad my brother his wife his baby and baby girl on the way I want to be there for her life I want to see her I want to see Jack get 3 years old
take my sins give me another chance I know that in need to do to change I just gotta do it you just gotta put my heart through it please Jesus please I need it now more than ever please dear lord as long as I get the pain off I'll do what it takes dear lord please just take this pain please just don't take me yet I'm not ready I'm not ready I'm not ready to go I several different people just please I want
please Jesus if anything show me that there is something that is there I wonderful good for my father I help him as much as I can around the house maybe not as good as I could be computer games go down slow give a woman a chance to prove herself to prove herself please and forever now Amen please and forever.
oh god please help oh please help
oh what's going on
please god
how many times do you get how many times do you get
I want me to have a son and family too I want to have a happy family too I want to live and I want to have my place in the world I want to have someone to call me mama as they come in the door and I'd love to have die shouldn't be tonight shouldn't be today I think I am beautiful. If I start hating down on myself will it help
I'm ready I'm tired of fighting but I want to see my family in this lifetime I want to see my family I want to be grandmother this all my mother told me she told me if you ever have kids remember your parents
i just want to live until i just want to live just want to live i just want to live i just want to live i just want to live
